Why We Write

We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans — because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone- because we have the impulse to explain who we are. Not just how tall we are, or thin… but who we are internally… perhaps even spiritually. There’s something, which impels us to show our inner-souls. The more courageous we are, the more we succeed in explaining what we know.

Maya Angelou on Why We Write
http://thoughteconomics.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-we-write.html

Inspire

Not so much things in this world really attract me.  Not the boring class, not the ceremony, not the routine in my dorm and absolutely not the washing time. I am not really feel motivated these days.  Just skip class and sleep.  Feel bore about the routine but sometimes need to involve and participate in society's life. Sometimes too much thoughts just makes me careless about the little things happen, makes me ignore because the normative things bore me.  Like attend a class, i may have nothing to do but when i must sit in a class for many hours i start to feel empty, bore and not really give my full attention to whats going on.  I start to feel not care.  Not because class is not important, i also will have mid semester next week but i feel lack of spirit. Maybe my mind is distract, i start not focus about what i am doing here.  I forget my reason to be here, sit in this bed and live in this bore dormitory.  I just forget about how i feel vibrant when i first got here.  I forget night over night i struggle just to enter the test to get here.  I forget all stuff i sacrifice to be here.  My youths, my freedom, my friends, my chance to be an athlete and so many list that cant be done because i choose this path.  I just forget.  I feel disconnect from who i am before and start to grumble about what i dont have, start to be ungrateful then spent my time wonder about never end 'what-if' question.  

I dont know.  Sleep just relax me more than ever recently.  Because i already search something that makes me feel empty. Something i can't fight.  Then i know i can't.  I can't do that.  There is something i can't have and something would makes me feel incomplete.  And i must start life with that, not spoiled and grumble about it over and over again.  I must start the connection with my feeling, my passion and my ambition now.  I will start over again, i think.  The recent practices class just inspire me to life again.  To finish something you start.  To stop giving up, then start to do best.  To do it perfectly, it is not just the perfect output or the perfect results, but the perfect EFFORT by yourself, by your standard, to be the best of what you have right now. So many things that can inspire me and i must light it up over and over again to makes me see clearly about where i am now and start walking or turning around from the direction. I will make it. 

Sunshine

Sometimes God send us a clue about happiness in a little things that exist.  Its our concious to understand, yet to feel.  The dynamic of everything, getting connected somehow to the universe.  Like Rumi's said, Life is a guesthouse and morning is a new arrival.  Never upset too long because life is go on, time is clicking.  Go for what you want and try hard to achieve your goal with vibrant then do it because you like, you love be here.  Try to love the little things, try to love life.

For me, it is just your clueless smile in the morning and give me the spirit to feel more positive in life.  For you who didnt notice yet, or you actually notice then ignore.  Seeing and believing you just give me the sunshine effects, i can't have sun, but i still able to enjoy the sunshine without take it for my self. I can feel the sunshine without make it darker to others.

Sincerely,

Love.

Silence Morning

He came to me asking for something i cant handle.  He came with his skill to making me laugh and forget about the awkward feeling.  He makes me comfortable, yet curiousity.  Not again.  Not again in my life...
He's the old feeling that i develop little by little then i ignored.  He is the one that surround when i need someone to carry on.  He is the one that making me forget even a little about this may be hard.  He makes me forget that he's already have another person.

Sometimes i wonder in this life, is the parallel universe exist.  How things could be so different if i had make a small choice in my life that turn my future's path.  I dont want to be naive.  I need to be loved, then loving someone.  Then when i have a feeling to someone i became selfish, i just want to keep it for my self.  I became very selfish.  I need to fix things.  I dont want to play.  Because i think now i grow up, not to playing around.  It is just not me.

In this silence morning.  I just want to thankful.  You was there.  With me.  Laughing about our silly stuff.  Then just gazed when talked about feelings.  It is my fault to make it too heavy.  We have different purpose, then just stop by for a little while to entertained by our laugh.  I asking too much from you.  And you just cant.  Not now, or maybe not forever.  I must be thankful for your existence that bring some light, but you are not forever, and not means to be forever.  You are there just to acknowledge me to be happy at the moment then not think about the future that scares, or the past that left scars.  You remind me that i allowed to be happy just right there, beside you and just at that moment without asking more.  It is enough.  For me.  And for you.  It supposed to be enough.

Passion

I just spent my hours by re-read the manga that always makes me inspire. Glass mask.  About Kitajima Maya who have passion to be actress.  In some ways, that story touch me then i ask my self, how far i'll go to reach my dream? What purpose that can makes me so determine to get ? Then the question continued, what i love most in this world? I dont know, some time life is not strictly clear for me.  I can do some things as a hobby like i like reading, watching movie, listening music and surfing in internet.  But i think it just to spend time.  My really goal in the future is be a bureaucrat, that for now i go into this college and change some things. But i dont think my goal is just to be a bureaucrat or civil servant.  I think i want to be the best in my field, to be an expert at what i do. In my colllege, i like politics, parties, policy and other subject that need analyze and read other's reference but not really good at numbers.  I really want to be a person who know what i want then keep persistence to reach it and cant hear a no.  Stubborn? I think it is okay as if i dont make some harm to others and not ignoring others.  I will turn it as a positive way to keep me moving.  I want to expert what i do now.  I dont want to spent years just for a waste things.  I want to be something.  And this journal will keep accompany me and right after i read this i hope i will always remember the reason i be here, in this dormitory away from family and away from the warmth of home.  I hope i always remember the reason to keep me have more passion in what i do.  To avoid myself doing something wasteful and just blank at what i do.  To making me clear about my path.  To keep moving on.

The Consciousness

Recently i just got some issues in my life.  The hole when i take a deep breath.  The moment that torture me when i'm alone.  All of that just makes me feel more hate and anger.  After months, finally i can get my head clear and move on.  The contemplation of what i'm doing right now, the hole that haunt me, the incomplete feeling that i must realize.  I step forward, i being honest.  No more hate, no more anger.  I try to manage that with clear the problem and start the communication.  I dont know it is right or not.  At least, it gives me closure.  Closure that finally place me to see in other's people eyes.  Closure that means acceptance, that none of us is perfect.  Neither do i.

That moment just give me more time to lay in my bed then think.  To making deep contemplation, try to more understand whats going to my life.  That missing feeling that hold me from move on and enjoying my life.  Because i'm so tired of all this drama and people who escape.  I just want to make it clear to myself, for what i'm gonna do next and left all behind.

For now, i will stay focus on my self that i ignored.  I must learn more about my self, i must love myself trully first on that i can love others trully too.  People change, i change and i want to make what i went through give me more great life to increase my quality as a human-being.  I will never stop trying, to knowing more, to understand more whats the best for me.  And when i'm busy of that i want to make sure i will be my self then dont do bad to others, to give more, love more sincerely without mush ego and selfish things.  I try to let go and just live the life as God's plan and offer.  Maybe i will get another luck, who know ?

#1

Could you face your darkest fear ?

Hujan

Rintik menderu dalam kelabu biru
di selaksa nan jauh kutemukan rindu yang menggempar
air mata kuteteskan sedikit, mengenangmu
dijawab sunyi yang bisu
dalam cerita yang tak lagi menggebu
kuhabiskan malam, tersedu
sedikit deras terhampar menukik batu batu jalan
kusiulkan sebuah nada
mengantarkan kepergian
selamat tinggal
kusaksikan hujan membasuh semua
biarlah duka yang menghapuskan segala

Karma ?

In my past, there are several things i hope i didn't do.  My silly and stupid mistakes that may harm and hurt other's people feeling.  But its how life goes and we are capable to move on with our lifes.  What matter then when the ripple effect of what are you doing in your past, maybe somehow connect to your present then one feeling comes out.  Guilt.  So i think, karma is just another version and dimention of something you do to others then makes you the feel that you are responsible, that you are somehow feel emphaty to people you hurt, that guilt will follow, then will attack you when the time is comes.
For now, i think i still have a chance to move on with my life, follow some of my 'basic instinct' to set me free.  I can't really stop feeling angry, but at least i could make it positive and think more about how the ripple effect will affect my entire life, it will lead me to a question, is it worth to do ? Is the satisfaction balances with the risk ? I can't hate my self for feeling and being completely human.  But i think i could decide whats the best for me now, can i ?

12 October 2012

Nothing as sweet as love.  It could reflect things that happen, touched so many human.  But its a way how we choose, to feel or not.  Love will comes around, now its your turn to make it better you, or to destruct yourself.

This October, on my birthday i feel that love comes around me, as a way of God's invicible hand to give me. Love will always there with so many shape.  Its our decide to defend what kind of love's shape.

Life is a journey, unexpected, a riddle that sometimes confuse us. In this age, just remind me of paramore's song...

I feel happy, I feel sad

I feel like running through the walls

I'm overjoyed, I'm undecidedI don't know who I am

Well, maybe I'm not perfect, 

at least I'm workin' on it,

22 is like the worst idea that I have ever had

It's too much pain, it's too much freedom

What should I do with this?

it's not the way you plan itIt's how you make it happen

Yeah, it's how you make it happen...

-paramore, hello cold world

Its a cold world, sometimes, its our choice to stay in a warm bed or run to make ourself sweat.

Well, in this birthday, i will be thankful for friends, people around me that being so nice, my internet connection, especially my family that i believe are angels God sent me.

I hope i will be the better version of my self, will get so much love by give it to people around me too, will get my target accomplish, will fill my empty space, will get the best from the world, then can choice all the great things in life.

I wish.  Many things can be real.

yeah

You

This is my last letter for you, at least the last we keep in touch after that night.  And for me, i hope it will be clearer than before.

Dear love,

For me, at first i dont believe the craziness of love.  My last relationship just one month, and thats the longest relationship i ever had.  Then i dont believe in fool things in love.  For me before, love always rational, with all my doubtness and calculation.  I always keep my self from hurting, before i know my bf cheated on me, i am the one who tell them i will left.  I always left before i be bore with them.

With you, i start to know how love feels like, i know how i can be comfortable with a man i dont know.  I learn how to be happy, irrational, and accept something i dont like.  With you i learn to lost control of my anger, my desire and hurtful jealousy.  With you i learn about the real pain and i cant believe i can cry for days and days.  To be with you is something irrational and fool thing i ever done.  To be uncontrol, to be fooled, to be pathetic.  

But after all, i must admit that, to be with you is something i can resist.  After all, i will find my self looking at you and feel the same things.  Even in pain, pathetic things i done, it would back to the same results.  I still can't lie about one thing.  I still love you afterall.  Even now, i learn new things, to let go something i doesn't belong anymore.  To let you free even i dont want to.  To let you feel happines because i'm not by your side.  To be sincere keep this feeling then just give it away for you.  To be patient and strong, thankful for what i ever feel before and now.  No matter if you just cant love me back.  Because its the sicerest things i ever feel.  To love you, even knowing you cant love me back.  Sounds pathetic? No, i dont think so.  I thinks its make me sure, its love.

And for now, i just make sure i keep do the best thing for you, to go away from you.  That you sure makes you happier.  I will let love keep me stronger.  I may dont know where it goes, but I know the love comes from God, so its the best that allowed to happen now.  I just make sure i'll be grateful then enjoy all the things God makes me feel and do something positive about it. :)