Kepala yang kubaca.

Kepalamu adalah ruang yang asing
Sebuah tempat gelap
Dimana aku nyaman dan betah berlama lama
Sekaligus ketakutan tidak menemukan jalan keluar.

Kepalamu kadang hanya gaung dan bila aku mencari, tidak ada yang kutemukan selain jalan yang terlalu gampang dan petunjuk yang mudah.

Hatimu lebih lagi.

Hanya berjalan satu arah.

Tapi kemudahan kadang membuat lupa,
Kenyamanan membuat alpa.
Biasa membuat lengah

Kutemukan diriku lebur
Bahkan hilang.

*) Foto: buku 'Melihat Api Bekerja' - Aan Mansyur.

Daftar Bacaan Mei

Daftar bacaan untuk bulan Mei ini:

1.  Cinta Selamanya - Fira Basuki
2.  Sedang Tuhan Pun Cemburu - Emha Ainun Najib
3.  Melihat Api Bekerja - Aan Mansyur
4.  Everyone Worth Knowing - Lauren Wesberger
5.  A Painted House - John Grisham

Awalnya tertarik membeli buku Aan Mansyur, penulis yang awalnya dikenal melalui akun twitternya @hurufkecil yang sepertinya kata-katanya mampu mengutarakan apa yang sepertinya ada, tapi tidak terkatakan.  Kemudian berakhir dengan membeli buku lainnya.  Kupikir mungkin untuk budget bulan depan aku harus menyisihkan untuk buku dengan tema tema lain.  No 4 dan 5 secara impulsif dibeli karena tergiur diskon, no 1 karena melihat trailer filmnya yang sepertinya menarik namun tidak akan kutonton di bioskop, mungkin akan kucari dvdnya. No 2 karena novel tentang Tuhan selalu menarik, terlebih nama pengarangnya familiar.

Aku ingin banyak membeli buku, meskipun kadang beberapa belum sempat kubaca, malas kubaca, bosan sebelum selesai kubaca ataupun terlalu tidak cocok selera.  Aku juga jadi merindukan jaman-jaman smp-sma ketika aku membaca buku-buku novel remaja dan cukup puas, setelah tamat kuliah, mungkin membaca memberiku pula banyak ekspektasi ketika membaca buku dan mulai pilih-pilih, pula menjadi malu apabila judul maupun cover yang dibeli sedikit norak dan shallow, inginnya buku yang keren, berat dan memiliki makna, padahal terkadang, aku hanya membaca buku karena ingin dihibur oleh kata-kata shallow, mudah dicerna dan simple. Entahlah, katanya membaca buku itu dinikmati saja, untuk membunuh waktu senggang, alih-alih terinspirasi untuk membuat maupun melakukan sesuatu yang lebih baik dari konten buku tersebut. *)

*) sedikit terinspirasi dari postingan Aan Mansyur : https://medium.com/@hurufkecil/eka-kurniawan-aku-lebih-ingin-membesarkan-diriku-sebagai-pembaca-daripada-penulis-94904e2b7213

Something in my head

Sometimes i find my self afraid of doing something, then spend most of my time just laying, being so lazy, close my eyes and find my self comfortable.  I'm so afraid to get out and getting exhausted (beside my job) maybe one to another it is about now we find something that we like to do: a job, and i find it amuse to do it and getting paid.  So after that, its started to feel like a waste of time to do another thing, that not make some impact for our bank account. lol, Thats when i lose it, a hobby, a things to do, my mind and body just look for another easy things to do.  Not challenged anymore. And all of the exciting things gonna wild in my head only. Maybe.  I think i need a new passion.

The Essentials

Sometimes we need a friend to make us feel less lonely,
sometimes we are with someone and still feel lonely.

Thats why i love my self,
me never leave me alone.

Goodbye, Lovers.

taken at crystal jade my bread pontianak

I'm failed, from the start.  I already fail to understand.  Then to convince my self that i can do this.  I lied.  The truth is just like a shadow that will always haunt my run, and i cant run anymore.  People says time is everything, but i know i can decide my time, my deadline to end this hollow circle.  I'm done.  Even now i really doubt my self being strong enough to walk away.  To be someone who leaving not left.  Because my whole life i always feel like being left by someone i loved.  And thats me, the weaker one.

But i'm so tired, even the happy things have a limit.  I hope, this is my limit.  I already try my best but this is what i got.  Then i know its enough and i should move on.  I still love you like the first time we met, for sure.  But everything just not as easy as falling in love.  Especially when i'm the one who carry it by my self.  Everything will be okay? will it be dear?

For A Future We Will Never Know

*taken at oz cafe and eatery.

For a future we will never know. If i can ask you a question right now for a question i would like you to answer, it will be nice.  To see what is the best for me.  To surround my self that will good.  But a right or wrong answer i cant see it now, i cant see it through.

Am i happy? Yes. But that kind of happy that wont last forever.  Nothing last forever, so why bother?

But in this life, there is some attachment that just never let yourself free.  A shadow that will haunt you everywhere you go.

Dear future, i'm tired of trying and making question, you will never know, you will never answer.  So why i even write this.  To realize that i must solve this to making peace with my self, to tell my self that is okay to not have all the answer.  To tell my self that, there is a future there, will be a bright side, or a dark side thats only future.  Whats matter now is what matters now.  Relax, and enjoy it.  Fill it with so much things that finally you can be so tired and forget to think, forget to feel, and just sleep, to see whats happen next. I dare you to come, future, for make war, but i really hope you come and make a peace.  At least a peace with myself.