Something Missing

I wake up early in this morning and feel lost. I dont know whats hitting me now. Beside my unfinish script and many things i delay to give my self a break. Then I go back to the place where we spent our most time together. I sit and all things just felt missing.  Some piece of my self is not complete.  Some memories are hit me again and again that makes me feel sorry for my self.  

Then i just stare at the window while i was with you years ago i always feel vibrant, dynamic, full of love and always missing you when you are not around. Now looking at that point just makes me feel lonely, here i am. Still loving you as much as i was, whether you dont even care at all.

My feeling never changed until now, even i try to fill it with somebody else, i always try to open, but you are the best. With you, all my time is worth wasted. its just me be mellow because of morning sickness or what. LOL. I feel lucky for my my self, but its just something is not complete yet. Maybe i must start looking again. :)

Salvador Dali, A Chemist Lifting with Extreme Precaution the Cuticle of a Grand Piano, 1936

Write it out!

I love writing. I really do. It starts when i was a very little kid since i remember, my father always tell a story before i sleep, and i always imagine and really excited.  When i grow up, my father always support me if i want to buy a book, even i collect penny or 'recehan' from everyone to bike far away then buy a newest crayon shinchan's comicbook. When i was high school, i start to buy novel, but most of them are not makes me satisfy.  So i really want to make the good book from my own version.  One of my Bahasa Teacher, is one of my father's friend, she is an idealist teacher then she push me to follow a competition at Balai Bahasa, and i write my first short story, 'Aku dan Dunia'. I'm very surprised that i won it at first place, but i failed at national level, and sign again next year with 'Sepasang Sayap Imajiner', then fail again. But it wont stop me. I just love to write, to vomit all my anxiousity into words.  When i'm in college for now, i love to write article, or blog like this, just feel relaxed when i can write all my feelings, make me feel good like i share and talk with my friend.  I need my friend to talk too, but when i write i can read it again someday and feel glad that i ever through that phase. Now, i must write with other's standard, at my paper, my final task for complete my graduation later.  A script.  Spend so much energy, but i love it when i just can try over and over again with something i can do.  At least i can do something about it.  I hate when i cant do anything to make my dream happen.  At least for now, i can try.  Step by step to my future.  Welcome!

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Coffee Talks

Sometimes at our busy schedule, we need to reflect our self, with talking.  Share our memories together, to embrace our reflection, our courage to keep walk and smile.  That all of bad things and good things happen in our life for some reason, some way lead us to another level, another achievement.  All of our flaws and all of our regret maybe are the most important aspects to make us now.  Sometimes we just need others.  Its our needs as a human.

Peacefulness

The Rage of Achilles by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo

I can't say i'm a very patient woman, i'm not think i'm that evil but i'm not a saint, either. Sometimes, or often i just lose my temper. I easily getting distracted if people, especially my friend if they just cross my line. The definition of 'my line' is very absurd with my mood for that day. Sometimes i think that i'm too individual, or i don't know, have a different view and perception of mostly people at my circle. I have a big ego to feed, and i will never harm other if they are not disrupt me first.  I'm vicious, egoist, have a bad temper, individualist sometimes, i think i have all the bad character but sometimes its just not stay long of course. I'm human.  I made a mistake and will always do something that i may regret.  But i'm realize that all of that okay, if i can make it as a lesson to make my self better.  Of course for someone who do bad things to me i will not just be patient and defencelessness, i will make them pay. But i still have heart and my head could think to whats the best for me, for that time, whats the consequences, whats the impact from what i do.  Sometimes i will count all, sometimes i just lost that and decide to follow my heart.  For future we can't predict, for mysterious fate, i hope all of that can make me a better person.

So, based on wikipedia.com (I try to be a little bit scientific) there are two simple dichotomy from anger, passive anger and aggresive anger, passive anger expressed in dispassion, evasiveness, defeatism, obsessive behaviour, physchological manipulation, secretive behaviour, self blame and self-sacrifice and aggresive anger expressed in bullying, destructiveness, grandiosity, hurtfulness, manic behavious, selfishness, threats, unjust blaming, unpredictability and vengeance. Hmm I dont even really understand a few definition of them.  But we are getting upset sometimes, have a 'fire' in our heart, sometimes makes us release it to someone, or something.  Sometimes the anger is the stack of sadness that haunt for a long time.  Sometimes the anger is just another excuse for a dream that can't be achieved, a failed target, or a pressure from people so we make people suffer like we all do. Never can despite the fact that all of us is suffering.  We suffer from this life, even for the lowest level or life, we are suffer to live life.  Even just to keep alive day by day, we attack by this sense of boredom, and so many things that sometimes we just cant find the solution.  We can't have all the solution in life. We can't win all. We can't take everything.  We can't be okay everyday. That's the fact. That's natural and that is life.  Keep open your mind and try more to understand, even with people who have different idea, different perspective, fanatic person. Try more, try again.  Can't we just life in a peace?

Fling

I think its silly idea to think that i still can't move on. Or its me that labelling my self, the fact is, i still can't find someone who can stay in a relationship with me (Or me) more than two years. I don't know, until now i think  i am go back like i was still on high school, date with a few man but its just like a crush and fling.  Its like a very mysterious fate that send me a man that just don't fit me for a long time, or not yet?.  I think its how the universe give me a damn lesson to fail again until finally i meet the right guy that makes all of this shit right. LOL.  Sometimes its so fun, i can meet and date all the man who come to me.  Try to go out with someone who may have different life-background, to have a relationship with people i dont really know, and i can't meet, meet someone who already married and have a son. I'm very open to have a communication or relationship to anyone. Its fun to meet people with any background. Fortunately i'm an open-minded and understanding. :)) Future is a very mysterious place, you can't make it predictable with analyse all the detail. Just enjoy and balance with everything comes. And make the best for everything. :)

pict taken here

Comeback

Tonight i stay in my dorm again after this long time.  At thursday i will start my research and do some interview.  Start a new thing to me, doing this job.  Somehow i like this atmosphere, at my last semester, doing research, write, maybe i just love writing, and being persistence to revision and revision until my adviser get satisfied.  I prefer being busy, i love being busy than have no idea what will i do.  I dont know what the best thing i can do, i try some of my hobby and feel just not right.  I want many things in life.  

I want to sing, i want to write a book, i want to study abroad, i want to have a promising job so i can earn so much money to buy my dream house and my dream car, i want to open restaurant with very delicious food, i want to open cozy cafe with bookstore and jukebox, i want to have my own clothing line so i can design edgy and cool clothes for my consumer and my self, i want a soulmate that could love me as much i love him and being loyal to me, i want to go travel and dont worry about money, damn, i want so many things in life. Lol. 

Human life in a level they can afford.  What i want for now, is the next level of my life, but before i go to the next level, i realize that i must finish this level first with a high score.  Can I? My dad advice me to life at sufficiently, have a low expectation so if you dont succeed you dont dissapoint much.  But i think my version of sufficient is just like this. LOL. And by the mean have a low expectation maybe just keep in mind that what i want like that just a dream and its okay, and acceptable if i can't get it right now. LOL.  Oh, i'm just talking about myself, but, this is the purpose of this blog, isn't it? For my personal journal so next month, next year, or next decade i can connect my laptop to internet and search this link then i can think about what i ever thought. Maybe.

A Thin Line of Consciousness

Sometimes i find my self desired something that my mind keep think about it and make it real in my mind, then become so passionate to make it real.  The goals that seems like an impossible dream, i dont even know is that what i really need.  But this is life, a process, phase by phase to getting by.  Sometimes we want something, then when we get it, we start to think that we are not really need that, then just waste it. I dont know, life is full of surprise, full of things i dont really understand.  But i like to being busy, to make it happen for my self, to take a chance, to feel again, to fall down and stand up again.  Even for now, my heart is feel like empty and wherever i go it feels like a just a space i must going through, without knowing where are my destination is.  The future is so blur, uncertain.  Sometimes i feel so afraid too.  

In life, i want many things, sometimes lack of dicipline and motivation.  But environment made me now, by people i really care.  The pebble sometimes annoy me, but why so worry if we have the bigger issue, bigger purpose to make our lives better.  

Welcome, a brand new day :)

http://stokkefot.deviantart.com/art/Dawn-12155423

Hypocrite

Sometimes, we lied to ourself, for unavoidable problems, bitter facts, or spontaneous desire.  And then, we ended feel sorry and feel so pathetic.  How i can trust someone i barely know to handle my feeling? How i can be that naive? Then i read a nice article about how people lied to themselves.  Its okay to lying, to keep our feeling better, to manipulate our mind so we can cheer up face another messy day.  What is truth? Its absurd and there is no clear standard to define that. So why so worry? Live for today like you dont have tomorrow and love like you can't runout of it. Be fragile, be broken then adapt any changes in your life. I ever read an advice to talk to any human you'll meet. Read book you never think to read, talk to everyone, dont judge, explore more in life, go travel and see the world with all of the possibilty. Adapt anything, absorb anything, then filter the good spirit to your life. So may i could kill this loneliness and this dont-know-what-to-do feeling to some thing to do and inspire me more. Hope so! :)