Malang, Jawa Timur #myshortvacation

Mt. Bromo

Pantai Bale Kambang

Sunrise Point Bromo

Pantai Teluk Asmoro

Coban Pelangi

Rasanya, sudah lama tidak melakukan perjalanan yang panjang.  Sudah kehilangan beberapa teman dekat untuk trip, yang kini sudah sibuk dengan kehidupan barunya masing-masing.  Rasanya akhir akhir ini ada perasaan janggal yang menyelinap, damai, tenang, sekaligus excited.  

Entahlah.  Beberapa hal baru dalam hidup kadang mengantarkanku mengingingkan hal-hal yang lain, atau bahkan sanggup untuk melepaskan keterikatan tentang beberapa hal di dunia.  Rasanya, kita datang dengan tidak membawa apa-apa, dan tak harusnya menuntut apa-apa. Menjalani hidup, dengan tidak terlalu banyak harap yang membuat cemas, tidak takut akan ada yang terlewat, hanya berjalan, seperti, yang ditakdirkan akan menemukan jalannya sendiri.

Seperti itulah pengalaman yang aku rasakan pada saat trip kali ini, kadang ada hal hal dimana kita sudah berusaha, tetapi masih gagal, justru membuat kita terdampar pada hal-hal yang lebih baik.  Melewatkan kesempatan-kesempatan yang kita usahakan, rupanya mengantarkan kita pada hal-hal yang baru, jalan yang lebih baik.  

Jadi, untuk apa kita takut pada kegagalan dan ketidakberuntungan?

Semuanya hanyalah bola yang bergulir, kita tidak bisa menghentikannya menggelinding, kita harus merasakan semua untuk jadi utuh. Genap. Dan sedikit memaksa diri untuk menikmati, setiap sisinya. Jika tidak, hanya diri kita sendirilah yang akan merugi dan sulit berbahagia. 

Bandung, September 2018

Kepada Hal Hal Yang Ingin Aku Tulis.

picture : https://id.pinterest.com/pin/75083518770329086/

Kepada hal hal yang ingin aku tulis, aku kemukakan.  Diantara keinginan dan realitas, disitulah keragu-raguan itu datang.  Ketika rasanya banyak hal yang ingin dituliskan, dikemukakan, hal hal dan ide di kepala ketika melihat seseorang menyampaikan pendapatnya dan lalu berpikir, tidak setuju.  Lantas ada perasaan tidak terpenuhi, yang mengganjal, ketika tidak ada kesempatan untuk mengeluarkan yang mengganjal itu.

Lantas, setelah dituliskan, di break down, direncanakan dalam bentuk poin poin yang dikemukakan, ternyata rasanya masih saja tidak cukup, masih ada yang kurang, perasaan masih ada konteks yang belum sepenuhnya dikuasai sehingga keraguan akan pemahaman yang mendalam pada objek itu membuat  mengurungkan niat untuk meng-counter suatu pendapat.  

Padahal, mungkin saja lawan bicara tidak memahami sedalam itu pula.  Lantas, bisa saja ia berani mengemukakan ide-ide nya atas kesimpulannya yang bahkan mungkin terlalu cepat untuk menyimpulkan sesuatu.  Tapi terkadang, hal itu justru dibutuhkan, untuk mengemukakan pendapat, orang awam, yang belum tau sepenuhnya, seluruhnya, yang kemudian mengemukakan pendapatnya sepahamnya itu.  Hal tersebut sangatlah penting sebagai jalan awal untuk pembelajaran.  Bahwa nanti selanjutkan kita akan mengetahui poin poin mana yang belum dikuasai dan menjadikan diri sendiri mampu melakukan koreksi terhadap hal hal yang kita sampaikan.  Bahwa ketika menulis, akan meninggalkan jejak, kita akan lebih aware nantinya ketika kita menemukan poin yang berseberangan, menjadikan ingatan kita lebih kuat, dan mungkin akan memperbaiki hal hal tersebut. 

Masih begitu banyak yang ingin dipelajari, di sela sela keterbatasan, luasnya ilmu pengetahuan.  Panjangnya sejarah dan ruang lingkup yang luas.  Mungkin beberapa akan berguna, mungkin beberapa lagi hanya akan menjadi pembelajaran yang hanya ada pada tataran teori dan ide.  Sama halnya ketika mempertanyakan seberapa penting teori dan praktek? Kita tidak akan pernah benar benar tahu kapan waktu keduanya berperan dalam tataran hal hal yang akan kita lakukan nanti.  Yang jelas, belajar adalah tes untuk diri sendiri, untuk menjadi lebih baik, untuk menjadi lebih tahu, dan semoga saja, untuk bisa jadi lebih bermanfaat untuk diri sendiri, lebih baik bagi orang lain, daripada hari kemarin.

Bdg, 14/03/18

My Kind Of Sunday

*my desk and my essentials in the middle of the night

Watching : 

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna : Thats a movie that recently my bf watch and he looks amazed by how the story goes, so i watch it again.  (already watched it long time ago, almost forget it).  That story is somehow related to our very complicated situation, and he said he will make it, we will make it.  I dont know, don't want to have any expectation, we'll see then, see ya later. lol.

Ishkq In Paris : After watch that movie i 'll go stream another movie and this story look cute, have a nice setting in paris and a woman character on this movie that at first look like doesnt want a commitment...not yet... *very me. but i know at the end she will married the man's at this movie.  Yeaa, finally people will make it, solve the problems and have someone to marry.  I hope i will to, but someday, in a future i dont want to think and plan and wonder about. :D

Listening :

Full Album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal" - Jason Mraz.

Just an old album, makes me feel i'm on a late night when i still in high school.

Reading :

Re-read : Twivortiare by Ika Natassa

Damn i should buy a new book like this.

Re-read : Cosmopolitan Magazine

I should buy a new printed magazine, just read a pdf magazine and its just feel not like reading magazine. *when you cant lie down hardly enough to back the paper.

And then, i think i should read some serious stuff, since graduated i think my mind needs some books that my brain hard to digest, so i can get bored and sleep hard at the night.  *kidding lol.

Writing :

My notebook, shit on this blog.  Damn still not writing serious stuff on 2015, not a paper, not a scientific script, not a poem, short story or maybe a novel.  I dont know, i always think that i should write some serious stuff or i will die and feel nothing, or i will not feel calm, or happy, or fullfilled or what. Cant figure it out yet.

Working :

Damn, i will transfered at some far office for a few months, excited and no idea at the same time.  I hope new office will makes me more passionate to do any job i'm getting involved with.  A job is a job, you must do it.  I hope the income can make me pay all the bills and still have some space to save and do some investation.  Most of all, i hope the new job will not get me so bored or i find some way to make it more interesting.

Wanting :

A new bussiness to being busy with.

Thinking :

Some serious stuff like why i'm sleeping all day on sunday and wide awake till 1.42 am (yes, its already monday when i write at a post named my kind of sunday) or why i still awake knowing i will feel asleep in the morning and working and sleepy and makes my face look less interesting but just dont give a shit. 

Wondering :

Why i write this blog, said some shit with my complicated english, and feel calm and feel good, and think i could fix some of broken things in my head just by writing it out.  Or maybe it is.  Maybe it is not.  

Oke, done it on 1.54 a.m.  Hope you have a fabulous february everyone!

Reminder

Life is funny, when you want to being busy, you can do it all without a space and then you just can make time to everything.  But when you start to getting lazy and procastination, all your time will get suck and voila, you can doing nothing worth.

For now, i want to being busy, keep running through the day so i dont have to lie down at my bed, wondering and start to feel alone and leave behind.  Today i just want to run so i can forget how good walk is, today i want to run so i can remember how good it is to keep moving.

I will do what i can do whatever its, pushing my limit, doing something i think i cant do, learn many things new until i dont have a long space to know where i am.  I want to do all of it, all chances, all the craziest and weirdest dream.  I want it all.

Please make me stay awake, to make me remember, that i should forget about it all.

11.47 p.m
mercure hotel

My Midnight Coffee

Some people dont understand why i need a coffee in the middle of the night.  Dont you want to go to sleep, he said.  No, i reject politely.  You cant questioned about what i want, you cant tell me what to do, you dont ask me what i dont want to do.

My midnight coffee is my ritual.  To call your presence, to remind me about the good things.  One last shot, i said.  There always be my one last shot.  To calling you back.  When i'm lonely or clueless about this life, when i need somewhere to escape.  A chance to keep close with your memories.  An opportunity to embrace all i have with you, all the thought, all the vision.

They tell me i can't move on with my life and stop looking for someone else.  They are wrong, i just feeding your soul in my memories so you wont fade away, i am move on with my life, but i carry you inside of me.  Cause we are temporary, but that love you bring to my life is permanent and forever. Time never beat ours.  I promise you.

Pada Kata Kata Yang Tak Terkatakan

Suatu hari nanti, akan kumintakan sebuah maaf kepada kata-kata yang tak terkatakan.  Kepada kata-kata di kepala dan di ujung lidah yang ingin terucap.  Tapi lantas urung karena ketegaan pada ego diri sendiri.  Kata-kata kadang tak nyata dalam ucap, namun berlalu dalam sebuah akibat.  Aku dan kamu, masih belum siap menanggung akibatnya.

Beberapa kata-kata namun, begitu kuat hingga ia tidak membutuhkan lidah untuk terucap, nyata dalam ingin yang akan diperbuat.  Tapi aku tau, suatu hari nanti waktu pula yang akan membuatnya cepat berlalu.

Pontianak Fiksi

*putaran kedua

Aku mau menulis sebuah fiksi. 
Tentu lebih baik dari kenyataan ini. 
Seindah mimpi di siang hari.  
 Juga malam ini, juga malam malam yang lalu. 
Sampai saat nanti, mungkinkah?
Aku rasa mungkin, karena dia selalu mengatakannya.  
 “aku suka…” aku tak bisa mencerna.  
 Terlalu klise, terlalu bias, terlalu menyakitkan.  
 Namun terlalu lekat pula untuk begitu saja dilepaskan.  
Suatu saat nanti, yang terlepas itu akan kupenjarakan dalam sebuah fiksi.

*putaran ketiga

Hari ini adalah hari pertama kita bertemu.   
Tapi, bukan kali pertama hati bersatu. 
Oh, aku bingung sekali menjabarkan apa arti semua ini.  
 Seperti sebuah reinkarnasi.  
 Beginikah rasanya terlahir kembali bersama seseorang yang dikasihi?
Terlalu munafik untuk takut jatuh cinta.  
 Walaupun hal tersebut menyakitkan bila gagal lagi dan lagi.  
Aku ingin jatuh cinta, sebanyak-banyaknya seperti cewek di sinetron yang mengenakan kaos.  
Aku ingin merasakan cinta pada semua orang, ingin kuberi kehangatan pada semua orang.  
 Aku ingin happy ending seperti cerita disney. 
 Ingin bahagia seperti cinderella.   
Tapi hari ini terlanjur berakhir, mungkin tiada kelanjutannya.

Jum'at, 13 Juni 2014

*another project with www.pontianakfiksi.wordpress.com i only write first and last sentence. 
check the web for complete post!

Keeping Track

Recently just being busy with my things, working at gov's company as a non-permanent employee.  Things just get routine day by day, waiting the weekend.  Time is moving so fast, then i start to lose my track. Day by day i spent all the night with same people, same situation, nothing muse me beside 2 weeks ago i climb a niut mountain and we failed.  I dont know when i walk the track, i just keep thinking all the things that happen in my life.  I just lost it, i still on the stage of searching, try hard to make some meaning, the feeling of losing something, something that still uncompleted.  By that i have a strong needed to not want to lose at the forest, or die because of falling over the edge, besides the destiny i should have.  That is my motivation, i have something that i don't have in this life, and this life i live still pointless.  I cant agree more if you tell me to being gratitude, i am thankful for what i have now but still.  As a human i think its natural to want more than i have, to make yourself keep moving forward.  I dont know, this post is pointless but also have a clear point than ever.  To knowing whats is pointless looks like, so tomorrow, we understand what we will not do.

The World You Live In

The talk at the coffee shop could goes anywhere.  Then we talk about people, about how they can think so different for us, so false by our judgemental mind by how they can affect our lives, tell people about gossip that may could ruin your reputations, your intends. Well, welcome to the real life.  There would be always some people that take you wrong, can't understand you, hating you so much (or jealous) or, i dont know just want to make some mess to your life.  There would be.  But remember maybe at some point its your fault too, to listen to them than listen to your friends that always support you, sincere to see you at your best, to feel happy for your happiness, to pray for your success, support you when you down.  Appreciate your true friend, ignore the narrow-mind-people that just mess-with-your-mind.  People make mistakes, at some point, we make a mistake that make us regret too, dont feel shame to ask forgiveness, or forgive. Create the heaven besides hell, its your choice, its the world you live in.

@sukasukacoffeeshop

10.00 am

Sunday

Watching some random movie about silly love. Eating mie instead of something under the hood of food.  Writing at this blog instead of doing something more useful.  Life is this, life is that.  I read the book you never read, because i know you dont read, any book at all.  Sleeping and then waking up feeling horrible cause of the vision looking my ex, its a pain.  And then awake, doing anything that can distract me, trying hard to feel positive, do positive, doing anything makes me busy, killing the bad feeling.  It is something i must deal everyday, everyday is a fight, sometimes you lost, sometimes you win. But i still want to see another bright sky, another wind that going through my face and then i close my eyes to enjoy anything life brings to me.  I still want to feel ache on my eyes when i see the sky from my window, the tree, the birds, the sleeping cat.  This is my life, anything could happen.  But i will step forward, leaving all the thing in the past behind.  

Here i am now. 

Nothing else matter.

36/365

"I want to shoot every moment of my life, to remember.   When people say social media are bad, i think they're not bad, my generation want to shoot and capture every moment of our lives.  I think its so old minded of designers who stop communication with the world" -Olivier Rousteing (Balmain fashion house)

Confusing State

If you ever be in the situation that awkward, something that you dont want to be there, but you still.  Because you just can't escape, because you dont have another better option.  Deal with the available option or just say no and be alone.  Sometimes you just dont know. The gut just tell you, you want to be nowhere, or you may still can't deal with your past. I never be so sure. 

Life just contain so many complicate thing you never be so sure about whats happen or whats happen next. I want to try something new, but i just stuck with the available option over and over again. The option that i cant choose.  Its felt so miserable. I think i just messed up, end with want something abstract, something miracle, something 'life-changing'. But its life really like that? its life full of miracle and fantasy? Of course no. But deep inside me, i know that i want that miracle, i want to create one. I dont know if i will success or just keep my hope wide open and then crush it away. And then i watch this serial, beauty and the beast, that say something like, life is full of risk, and maybe sometimes, all the risk is worth to get what you really desire of. Maybe you must give a try. Give a try over and over again, because if its really worth, the universe just conspire and everything will be fit. Maybe.

Phase By Phase

 

with my notulen and friend

 during the trial

Yesterday i was going through one of an important moment from my academic phase, the trial of my script.  As a pessimist, of course i prepared my self to kind of manslaughter, means that i know i have so many mistake that i even dont know what it is. We will never complete all of the standard of every human being, but sometimes we can negotiate, and at trial, its not about the negotiation (like getting a signature of accordance). Anything can happen in trial, any deficiency could be your gate of humiliation and etc. But its okay, its worth enough. Because it will be your way to open another phase of your life. Life would be up and down. Its okay to going through all of that, at least the day still running, after your happiness there comes sadness, after your sadness maybe there would be a contentment. Then a beautiful lyrics from Coldplay just got into my head, If you never try, you never know...

Maaf Ketiga

Malam ini, maaf memberikan tiga.
Hanya Tiga.
Cukup Tiga.
Sementara tiga.

Pertama, untuk orang yang selalu ada,
setiap waktu,
entah apapun di baliknya.
Hanya ada.

Kedua, untuk orang yang telah terlalu banyak mencintai,
dan kurasakan segalanya meskipun tetap tak bisa.
hanya tak bisa saja.

Ketiga, untuk diriku sendiri
yang hingga kini
masih belum memaafkannya,
tapi tetap mencintai yang tiada.

Camouflage On Social Media

Latest discussion at the cafe with my friend was about the camouflage on social media. The sample of this analysis is based by our close friends. The method of this post is inductive, means i made conclusion from the specific to general, from the case that i see from my friends, then make a conclusion in general.

Recently, as the development of social media and the easy access of internet could give people a right to use their personal account, like facebook, twitter, path, instagram, or even this blog and so many more. No one or nothing can stop them, so people free to read, or not to read, to share or not to share. But there would be a question, how far they can share thoughts, photos, and who will stop the readers/followers/friends judging them?

Today, the conflict that happen at social media is 'booming' too. Like the controversial post of Marissa Haque at blog, or microblog like twitter that called 'twitwar'. Then (just my personal opinion) a disturbing tweet from farhat abbas, and many anonymous user that claim themselves as investigator or journalist. If one of the user share the frontal statement that affect the mass reaction of other user because they may leak a conspiration theory or just make a stupid statement/even the smart ones. But nowadays people respons more to stupidity than intelligence. Yeah, another show-off, people! :))

The account, that represent the personality of user, sometimes could give us an unpredictable thing that would be very interesting. Like one of my friend, in the society, she would be very quiet, passive and shy, but when she is at home, hold her blackberry that connected with twitter and facebook, would change herself to be more active, seduce and confident. (Personal opinion). The other sample, one of my friend, a boy always shows a sadness, and mellow statement at his 'status' at facebook, but when we meet him, we can see a cheerful boy with light attitude. 

Ah, but you will never see how the pattern comes, and you will never make a solid theory, then. The phenomenon just a mirror to reflect the personal things, human with the complexity of psychology things. I think finally the choice is made by ourselves like how we control our self in a society, it is your choice to show people your different side that may give you another positive respons or to show off what you are good at. Its your choice, but at least dont make it really contrast and annoying if you dont want people laugh at you. Anyway, people will judge anyway, but dont mind to show who you really are. Be yourself, but lets be the best of yourself! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

- Oscar Wilde

in your eyes, i'll stay.

Theres a shadow, in your window when the wind whispering how your smells when he arounds. Morning would come not so far but the awake eyes can't fake anything but missing you like i always had. 

The touch of your images just resound again and again, calling the past, make my self traped forever.

A second chance i'm willing to have just to make my self sure that i never make a mistake, but i was always wrong because you even not care to belief that i'm exist.

Love would always be a second priority between everything else. But it would always stay, in the lonely night you spend around trying to figure our how your life gonna be if we are still in the same line, talking to each other and sharing the night.

They tell that it would be impossible and it's true. But i always love challenge, and theres just no one can fit with mine. 

In your lonely eyes, i shoud stay, forever. Even i know i will never get out. i will never see freedom because once i see you, i will never be the same. 

someday will never come, and the end from here is near but i wont ever afraid. because you will always there, stay and trap in my eyes, as the one who i always loved. 

future is somewhere nowhere. but i will always here, as a girl who will stay with you and sing a lullaby when you comes around. forever, i promise.

Challenge Yourself

My college's academic phase just near to the final. But in the end, there is so many things happen, so many thoughts.  Maybe all i want before is wrong, maybe i should be at different path. I dont know. Future is so mysterious for me now. So i kinda open my mind, do everything i can or get any chance.  At least i want to make my self busy, because busy is better than being bored! :)

Today i just try to play paintball at TFK, i'm so happy that i have an adventurous friends, open minded, and accept me as who i am. They may not know my past or know me very better, but thats what i want in a friendship, not really close but not too far too. Just keep it as easy as possible. Sometimes people said that boy and girl cant be friend, because they will be fall for each other, especially when you are single. I dont think so, its our choice, its our free will to let ourself fall or not. Thanks for all of you guys! made my day!

 Taman Fantasia Kalbar (TFK), Ayani 2, Pontianak

Shoot!

If its the definition, then i think i already found it. :))

Goodbye July

If i seen through this month a year before, i could surprise to make it through like now. Where i am now, improved than myself one year before on this July. I'm glad finally i could learn much to unlove. I learn a lot to finally think about myself. I learn to be egoist.  I learn to make myself as a prior than anyone. Because people come and go, but my self will always stay.

taken from www.indiesart.com

So finally i can say goodbye July,goodbye my hardest time i ever been through. Thank you for so much lesson.  Thank you for fill my last four years. Happy or Sad. Passionate or Desperate. The whole package that could be my pebble stone to step higher.  I will stop feel pathetic, i will stop playing victim, i will stop feel sorry and i will stop make any harm for my self. Life will go on and i hope will be better.

never forget to enjoy and having fun!

Welcome August!

Write it out!

I love writing. I really do. It starts when i was a very little kid since i remember, my father always tell a story before i sleep, and i always imagine and really excited.  When i grow up, my father always support me if i want to buy a book, even i collect penny or 'recehan' from everyone to bike far away then buy a newest crayon shinchan's comicbook. When i was high school, i start to buy novel, but most of them are not makes me satisfy.  So i really want to make the good book from my own version.  One of my Bahasa Teacher, is one of my father's friend, she is an idealist teacher then she push me to follow a competition at Balai Bahasa, and i write my first short story, 'Aku dan Dunia'. I'm very surprised that i won it at first place, but i failed at national level, and sign again next year with 'Sepasang Sayap Imajiner', then fail again. But it wont stop me. I just love to write, to vomit all my anxiousity into words.  When i'm in college for now, i love to write article, or blog like this, just feel relaxed when i can write all my feelings, make me feel good like i share and talk with my friend.  I need my friend to talk too, but when i write i can read it again someday and feel glad that i ever through that phase. Now, i must write with other's standard, at my paper, my final task for complete my graduation later.  A script.  Spend so much energy, but i love it when i just can try over and over again with something i can do.  At least i can do something about it.  I hate when i cant do anything to make my dream happen.  At least for now, i can try.  Step by step to my future.  Welcome!

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