My Kind Of Sunday II

*my essentials on sunday morning

Watching : Talkshow Kick Andy @MetroTv. About Ika Natassa, Chef Marinka and Katherine who still being single at their 30, and what they do that makes them feel okay to being single and happy, and a story about Katherine, a host that finally getting married at 39.

Listening : Magic-Coldplay.  Its nice to lay down and listening this music and think about my love life.  Its feels like magic, something rare, something unusual, and something blurry but its just what it is, magic.  You dont need to ask how it goes, you dont suppose to know everything about it, your part here is just to enjoy whatever the magician brings you.  At least it is a great show!

Reading : Jatuh Cinta adalah Cara Terbaik Untuk Bunuh Diri - Bernard Batubara.  Its a book that tell you a story about love, thats a dramatic kind of love, because love doesnt have to always be the right thing to feel.  Thats so much kind of love you need to taste, so much experience you still dont know yet when you feel in love.

Working : I hope i finish my work for next month.  I have this bad habbit that sometimes when its through a long time, my passion and my motivation just lost at one kind of work and makes me dont care, like at all about what i do.  Its just stop.  Even i forgive my self because its just not feel right again but i promise to finish in the urge of my next plan.  At least, this would be my latest 3 work before i decide to quit on this or not.  Or i hope i find a new motivation on it. Wish me luck!

Writing : Until now only this blog because my mind is so lazy this week, all i want to do just go to work-sleep-listening to music and lay down or go out with my bf.  Its like i have nothing that burn me again, it feels like my mind, my brain is empty and losing the ability to the critical thinking.  Maybe i need some book to keep motivate me, or maybe i need some new sport to improve my dicipline's muscle!

Thinking : I have to change, i need a new habbit, i dont want to spend my life just like this.  I have to do what i have to do to pursue my goals, my targets.  I will start look for some new motivation, and short term goals to stick with it.  Lets start!

The Man You Loved

*sky on the road to bengkayang

Its 1.50 a.m, few minutes after your message and your call before you keep dissapearing again.  Its nice, to see you again, to talk about how we missed each other and how stupid we are to keep waiting.  I'm sorry that i never break my wall to asking you more question, to need you more.  Its just, i know that i will love you enough that you can feel free to love me or not love me back. 

I dont want you to owe me something, i dont want you to love me because you should do it.  I want you to love me because you know you can decide, and you decide to love me.

Love is just a words, you just never know how it goes.  You can desperately love and want someone next second you will lose all of it, you just never know.  Nothing last forever, even love.  Its just flow, and you never know where it will ends.  

Life is just a short trip on a long road.  I dont want to lose the track.  But for now, i just want to be by your side.

Monday Consumption

*a flower pen at my office

10.28 am.

Hanging at the office, not so much to do. Maybe some few week before i move into a new office.  I hope i will never take in mind on whatever i lost.  I hope i am strong enough to not feel attach to anything, its not like i am giving up to feel the connection to the world, its about i want to alive and appreciate more about what i get.  So i must understand that nothing belongs to me, and set my self free from a need to own something.  You can love a flower without a need to take it from its life.  Everyone have their own life, own path, you can love each other but you must understand you shall not make them your prisoner. Let them go, set them free and if your destiny is to be with them, i believe they cant going anywhere.

Dreamyland

Dream is the flower, they said.  So when i dream about you again last night, that was the scariest flower they ever gave me, makes me feel happy, scared and sad at the same time.  How we could meet again and back like we just know for the first time.  Spend our time together, laughing and guessing.  Its the weirdest thing happen since last night i just meet an old friend and have a good time.  Is it a sign or what? In this pointless life now i just missing you that much enough to keep dreaming about you and wondering will me meet again?

I'm not that really into you but you just keep coming on my mind. What if and what if.  I wish i could turn back time, and left the sorrow behind. Oh, i just dream so many things.  and its never enough.

Keeping Track

Recently just being busy with my things, working at gov's company as a non-permanent employee.  Things just get routine day by day, waiting the weekend.  Time is moving so fast, then i start to lose my track. Day by day i spent all the night with same people, same situation, nothing muse me beside 2 weeks ago i climb a niut mountain and we failed.  I dont know when i walk the track, i just keep thinking all the things that happen in my life.  I just lost it, i still on the stage of searching, try hard to make some meaning, the feeling of losing something, something that still uncompleted.  By that i have a strong needed to not want to lose at the forest, or die because of falling over the edge, besides the destiny i should have.  That is my motivation, i have something that i don't have in this life, and this life i live still pointless.  I cant agree more if you tell me to being gratitude, i am thankful for what i have now but still.  As a human i think its natural to want more than i have, to make yourself keep moving forward.  I dont know, this post is pointless but also have a clear point than ever.  To knowing whats is pointless looks like, so tomorrow, we understand what we will not do.

3 days for a lifetime

This week is so unforgettable for me, a yudicium at my campus, yudicium for my faculty and then graduation.  Its like happiness to celebrate the joy that finally i can finish my study, but also tearful to realize that most of my friends would be gone, because they must going back to their town and work there for a long time.  

My friends at the dormitory and campus, called andalan89 is the second family for me.  Because i think they're the closest friends i ever had.  I think in a life out here i'm not easy to make friends before, to open up my feelings, building a wall so no one can let in.  But at the dorm, there is so many time we spent, so i let all that happen, to make them see how fragile i was, how crazy, how sad, or how happy i am.  I let them see who i really am.  Angry, jealous, sad, happy, fall in love then a broken heart, all the complete feeling that i share, that i tell honestly, without any 'blow-up' or 'cut-out'.  The moment that makes me feels like home, feels like something familiar and acceptable, like a family. That can accept me for everything i ever done and for every mistakes i ever made.  I think 4 years is so unforgettable and amazing.

Thank you for such an amazing years.

Something In The Middle of The Night

Recently, because almost zero activity in the weekend i sleep well at the day and awake at the middle of the night. It makes me wondering and overthink.  About anything that happened at the past.  Bad effect that haunts me a guilty, loss and sorrow feeling, its just horrible.  But i know, yesterday is already gone, nothing i can do to change it, because i just have a chance to live the life today.

Being very blessed to have a religion, have something to hold on when i think i drawn.  Besides Qur'an, the most powerful book i ever read is La Tahzan.  567 pages, sometimes when i feel sad and down, i just open it random and always be more positive and inspire.  

For some reason, i'm not a very religious person.  Especially for the 'cover', but i think i have a very big respect and interest with some religious view.  For me, religion have it own purpose to make things right, to makes me keep insane, to be a reason someone to be strong, to feel motivated, loved, inspire.  Religion is the answer of your negativity, a total defencelessness to the bigger power that can wipe your worry, sorrow, guilty and whatsoever that makes your life messed, religion is the saviour.

I dont have very much belief, because some aspect just not fit into my mind, so i live my life with integrate what i get with what i feel, i'm not a total believer but i'm an open minded person that have my own filtering-system to make it right for me.  I think thats the point to mix life with religion, to make it with purpose, to know the purpose so we can 'make' it right, to not be blinded, but open the eyes and feel it in your heart.  

So, i think i will finally sleep well tonight. 

Well Said

Mencintaimu cukup seperempat saja;seperempatnya lagi patah hatiku; seperduanya lagi kemenduaanmu.

@oktriastra

Experience of experiment

Sometimes life divide at two sides, like a coin.  The coin have a side, that you can call pro and other side called cons.  Its undeniable.  So now, i'm overthink.  I just try so many random and pressure thing and that things just got into my mind.  I'll try to relax more.

All i know, whatever it is, i'll try my best.  Even sometimes i dont show my best too because somehow its just not what i want to do.  Then this is one function of my blog, to be the place to make all the busy thoughts on my head right now be a little bit quiet.  I just worry, worry about one thing and another, and let people's thought get into my head.  I regret things much too.  About what i said, what i've done.  Just so many thoughts right now.  I think i should sleep, my body feels tired but my brain still work and worry things, so i will try to do something rather than just lay in my bed.

Somehow you dont get what you want, but you allow to do all you have, maintain your resource if its all you can get.  The opportunity that you have, the only opportunity must you take to open another step, next challenge, every first time experience is a benefit to other experience.  You must realize and be here, at the present, full conscious to know that you dont 'just' do it.  You make it happen.  One thing will lead to another, watch your step and make it right at the first move you can get.  The first move is reflect your awakeness to going forward, to make something that makes you leave what you have behind.  Try to keep your negative' that will turn you into something you don't, jealousy, anger, hatred just dont fit if you can let your brain works at the positive' side.  You must full awaken to change your trigger to the other brightside.  Life is full of battle that you can't win if you dont realize who do you want to be, what do you want to do and where do you want to end for.

It is easy to find perspective, but it is hard to feel it, to think about it and keep it as our perspective.  Otherwise the things that you can write is not as easy as you can do. Perspective is one thing, doing is another thing.  I hope, what i do now is on the right tracks, open new chances, develop my self and makes me a better person, but at least, i will take it as an experience.

Happy Birthday One Of My Favourite Girl!

H-11

As i count down my time to left the campus, there is some memories that can't be forgotten.  One of them is my time with one of my fav girl, Melya.  She is one of best friend i ever had, especially, we going through some similar 'events' of romance.  :)) There is so many experience, so many lesson that will be left at the dormitory, four years is not a short-period that i've been through.  So many happiness, so many tears...

I should have a big big heart to accept all of the moment with whole package, tears and smiles, love and hate, everything.  But after all, i am very happy to going through it with some amazing friends that always support me, calm me down, show me some 'brightside'.

Writing this somehow is kinda hard cause makes me remind about what i ever go through.  Mostly i remember the pain, i remember the tears and sadness that comes over and over again, i remember how i can see my self then so pathetic and desperate.  The lowest point in my life.

And then i will feel grateful because finally i can go forward, i can go on.  I can stand up again after the fall.  Someone to accompany me at that moment is very precious, because i dont know if i ever through that situation again alone, the situation could be worse.  But thats life, and somehow now i accept it.  

Okay, done with my self, i just wishing you a very happy birthday, my beloved friend, thanks for the moment we share together, for ears that listening my story, for existence that accompany my sadness and for the joyful at my happiness.

I always wish you have the best in life!

happy birthday again, Melya Astriani

xoxo

are we remembering or forgetting?

H-12

Time flies fast, will go on, left everyone behind.  Time cant go back and cant repeat.  So what is time? Is it our standard, to measure second, minute, hour, day, but for real, what is time? Is that our memory, that measure the moment we going through, is time measure by our ability to remember things that happened in past?  So whats happen at your past that would make you to going back? Is it worth your past?

Whats the part of your past that worth enough to going back to your past?

Are you sure your present is not precious, or precious thing is just something that happened in past?

For sure, i dont know.  Sometimes memory is sweet enough to makes me close my eyes and remembering old things that even i find it hard to remember but i will always love to going back, just to feel the pain.  The experience that i would never regret, the amazing things, the painful fights or the suffering and loneliness.  

This is the last part of my college year, twelve days before the graduation that will make me leave everything behind.  I wish.  Sometimes i find it hard to let go, i always hard to let go something that not belong to me anymore.

But i know, i have to move on.

Sometimes when i'm afraid of my present, i find it easy just to going back to my past, remembering beautiful things, just want to forget, that i ever had a really good time.

For now, i still grievin, i think for the rest in my life.  There would be something to regret, and something to remind me of past.  I will never change it, i will never forget it, i just going through it, day by day while i figure out what to do, figure out whats the best for me and doing anything i could get.

Time goes on, life goes too.  

Could you make me remembering you?

A Very Happy Birthday

I think i'm an introvert person, i'm easy to be bored and annoyed with people and i enjoy my self so much.  Sometimes i dont like to be with other people, i dont have so many friends too.  Thats a rare i have a friend that last long, because i dont hang out much.  Especially when hang-out with girl-friends, sometimes i just dont have a same topic (like make up, boys over and over again*i like this topic, but not that much*).  Mostly my close friend (thats usually hang out with me) is boys.  They are less care, less drama, less 'rempong' and less sensitive. If make friends with boys, i think they will be okay if i'm quite ignore them, i dont really like to involve with all part of their life, just hang-out and do some 'fun-thing' or 'killing-time'.  So there is just a very few girls that hang out with me and i can claim it as 'my friends'.  One of them is Mega Adelika, one of my high school mate until i'm in college.  We share same 'petak' at last year in college and share some issues.  We involve at some 'detective' case (LOL), we share some curiousity about things that happened but dont want to bother others.  We share some story together, especially recently, i always share story about my latest crush and i dont bother to tell her. :))

I hope the best for you, dear friends, hope you get everything you want and you need!

Thankyou very much

*suprise from @egadelika & @melyaastriani at 12 pm

Life is weird. When you think all the bad things would go worse then its going fine, and when you think all be fine things start to mess up.  Today, i think is the 'fine'-part that God show me, i still have friends that willing to have some 'bussiness' to surprising me. Thankyou very much! Even i know that i am not the kind of 'best-friend' too to them, but i always feel so grateful to know them.  Kinda relief me that i know they still have enough care and forgive me for all mistaken i ever made. Life is weird, and i can't stop surprised.

Thankyou very much.

I hope nothing but the best for you too, Mega & Melya.

Rebirth

Actually there is nothing special from this day, just a symbol that you are getting older. Most people are celebrating. They celebrate with people who care enough, people who sincere enough to being busy to make another people happy. Thats the point of being a human, to have someone that willing to make you happy, to please you, to care enough about you.  Someone that gladly you call a friend indeed, family, BFF or even a soulmate.  

At this point i just feel so ... half-empty and half-full. Half full because i know that there is something going on in my life and half empty because i dont know whats going on because all of the 'fullness' just feel empty.  At this point i just feel lost, feel miserable.  In this age, i still can't reach anything.  Call me ungrateful but for now its just feel like a waste.  A place i dont want to, a life i still dont want to, a search i can't find to and someone i dont want to be with.

Life is not about anything you want.

Then this song, if i die young just cross my head.  What if one shocked day i just be dead, life would not losing, life dont care, people will be pretend to be sad but they just dont give a f*ck.  People in this world just think about themselves, just like me.  The angry state comes when people just think about themselves and pretend to care with other people's problem, they think they understand but they dont, they think they care but they dont, they do it just to relief themself so they can feel satisfy about what they do to others, they satisfy because they think they help others, even they actually dont give a f*ck, no one give a f*ck, just like me.

I think this post is just another negative though about me, written in the middle of the night that i feel so miserable.  Feel free to enjoy the pain, its life, anw.

(not so) happy 22th birthday.

Deadlock

Some surprising (i know this thing will come, but, still) advise from my dad is come, to be out of job.  He says that may i just being jobless for a year than after that i could propose and try any opportunity that i can take.  Of course its a shock for me, but he says that it would be nice if i had a deadlock, or doing nothing for a year until i get into a job. I know this is his 'philosopy' mind again telling me and i thinks its quite right (if finally i get a job and then just can have a holiday a few months in a year).  I will take that, if my month's expense could handle, but in this economic depression (my dad still waiting his transfer, and my mom, um, like that) i think its not a choice. Of course i have some dream to catch and passion to work than just be a lazy person doing this 'internet-thingy' and watching so many serials and movies, then drawn in my own feelings.  I need to be busy, i need to be needed, to explore who am i, what i will do in the next day or have something to catch.  If i can choose where i want know, i choose to die trying than die boring. Of course. I hope i can enjoy my self then be an independent woman, free soul that can go wherever i want. This early deadlock makes me realize one thing: i dont want to end up nothing. I want to come up with something.  This deadlock must find another way!

Confusing State

If you ever be in the situation that awkward, something that you dont want to be there, but you still.  Because you just can't escape, because you dont have another better option.  Deal with the available option or just say no and be alone.  Sometimes you just dont know. The gut just tell you, you want to be nowhere, or you may still can't deal with your past. I never be so sure. 

Life just contain so many complicate thing you never be so sure about whats happen or whats happen next. I want to try something new, but i just stuck with the available option over and over again. The option that i cant choose.  Its felt so miserable. I think i just messed up, end with want something abstract, something miracle, something 'life-changing'. But its life really like that? its life full of miracle and fantasy? Of course no. But deep inside me, i know that i want that miracle, i want to create one. I dont know if i will success or just keep my hope wide open and then crush it away. And then i watch this serial, beauty and the beast, that say something like, life is full of risk, and maybe sometimes, all the risk is worth to get what you really desire of. Maybe you must give a try. Give a try over and over again, because if its really worth, the universe just conspire and everything will be fit. Maybe.

Jika

Jika saja aku tahu, malam itu adalah malam terakhirku melihatmu, maka tidak akan ada lagi cerita yang keluar dari mulutku tentang hari yang berat, cuaca yang buruk dan keluh tentang ketidakberadaanmu.  Jika saja aku tahu lebih cepat, semua ini akan berakhir, secepat aku memejamkan mata dan terbangun dengan cintamu yang telah hilang. Mungkin aku akan belajar memahamimu lebih lama lagi, lebih tabah lagi.  Jika saja aku tahu dari awal, cintamu yang akan hilang begitu saja, maka mungkin aku tidak akan belajar mencintaimu sama sekali.  Aku akan lebih menikmati waktu bersamamu, setiap menit, setiap detik.

Jika saja aku punya kesempatan kedua, untuk mengenalmu lagi.  Memutar waktu untuk kembali saat pertama kita berjumpa, memutar langkah untuk menjaga agar mungkin kau akan bertahan lebih lama.  Mungkin hal yang aku lakukan akan berbeda, dan kau tidak akan pergi begitu saja.

Tapi mungkin jika ada jika, hidup tidak akan pernah beranjak maju,

dan aku tidak akan pernah bertemu denganmu.

Movie Week

Insidious Chapter 2

pict here

Directed by : James Wan
Produced by : Jason Blum & Oren Peli
Story by : James Wan & Leigh Whannel
Starring L Patrick Wilson (Josh lambert), Garett Ryan (Young Josh), Rose Byrne (Renai Lambert), Ty Simpkins (Dalton Lambert), Lin Shaye (Elise Ranier), Lindsay Seim (young Elise), Andrew Astor (Foster Lambert), Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane), Tom Fitzpatrick (Bride in Black/Old Parker), Tyler Griffin (Young Parker).

I think this is the best horror movie i ever watch.  The plot is so neat, and continues from the first chapter.  The director could make the episode explain another episode.  So, this film not only make us scare, but also make us think and try to remember.  I think it is the main point when you tell people a story, you must attract the audience so they want to care, so they want to remember the character if they want to know the whole story.

The actor and actress play nicely, but i really like Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane) because i think she remind me of Susanna (Indonesian horror actress), with scary big eyes, old fashion and stiff gesture. 

Well, done.  For this movie, i will rate 4 from 5. (Because its never 5 or perfect movie).

Fiksi : Mencari Firman

Katakan aku mengada-ada karena apa yang kucari hampir tak kasat mata, tapi bukankah jika kau harus bisa melihat dan membuktikan semua hal secara nyata itu ada maka sama saja membantah bahwa Tuhan itu ada?

Maka akan kujelaskan sedikit: tentang Firman.

Suatu pagi yang tidak jelas, karena hidup tidak pula membutuhkan kejelasan.

Ia datang begitu saja.  Tanpa perkenalan, tanpa bicara.  Hanya tatap mata dariku sendiri saja.  Dan semua yang aku rasakan cukup membayarkan bertahun tahun penantian ketika aku sendiri tidak tahu menanti apa dan siapa. 

Semuanya begitu tidak nyata hingga aku membuat sebuah resolusi mutakhir tapi tak mustahil: mengenalnya. 

Yang ingin ku percayai, tidak ada yang terjadi secara kebetulan karena kebetulan saja Tuhan punya rencana yang lebih besar.  Tapi satu hal yang menjadi 'nasihat' sakti bapakku suatu hari tentang cinta, bahwa rumus cinta itu 99% usaha dan 1% takdir.  Maka aku tidak mau menyerah begitu saja pada 1%.  Aku tidak pernah percaya bahwa kita kehilangan kesempatan untuk berusaha.  Aku percaya usaha, walaupun tidak dapat kita selesaikan di garis finish, setidaknya membawa kita ke suatu tempat yang bukan dari kita bermula.  

Mencari Firman mewakili tanyaku tentang pencarian seseorang yang sudah lama hilang.  Sosok yang bisa aku jadikan sesuatu yang bisa mengisi kepala tidak hanya dengan strategi dan cara cara tapi juga dengan hati yang sudah kehabisan kata-kata.  Karena pertemuan yang sekali saja.  Cukup untukku mengenal, kemudian mencarinya hingga ujung dunia. 

Katakanlah ini akan sia-sia jika suatu hari nanti aku akan menemukan dia ternyata sudah memiliki kekasih, atau bahkan istri.  Tapi tidak semua perjuangan diukur dari hasilnya bukan? bukankah jika semua hal berorientasi dan hanya fokus pada hasil maka hasil dari perjalanan hidup kita ini sesungguhnya adalah mati-dan selesailah semua.  Yang bermakna adalah perjalanannya, ketika kita tidak menemukan yang kita inginkan dalam perjalanan itu, tapi mungkin kita akan menemukan apa yang kita butuhkan.

Maka kujelajahi seluruh dunia maya dan seluruh kemungkinan yang ada.  Hanya untuk mencari Firman.  Mencari Firman merefleksikan sesuatu dalam hidupku: sebuah pencarian yang ngotot dan tak kunjung lelah.  Meskipun yang kucari itu belum tentu menginginkan aku, tidak perduli dan bahkan bukan pula menjadi tujuan akhirku.  Tapi mencari Firman adalah salah satu bentuk komitmenku akan sesuatu.  Jika aku berhenti pada hal ini, maka aku akan berhenti pula pada hal hal lain.  Karena jika pada hal yang mampu membuat aku merasakan sesuatu saja aku bisa berhenti, bagaimana aku akan melanjutkan perjalanan pada hal hal yang tidak begitu aku sukai? Maka keputusanku sudah bulat, menemukan dia. 

Tapi, hidup bukanlah tentang keputusanmu sendiri, inginmu sendiri saja.  Tentu saja. Katakan semesta belum menjawab, atau yang punya kuasa menegur untuk terus mencari, dan menjawab :belum.  Ah, yang terjadi aku yakin semua bukan karena tidak terjadi, hanya perkara keinginan kita yang berbeda dari kehendakNya.

Ini bukan akhir cerita, karena hidup baru saja bermula ketika kau tahu apa yang ingin kau cari, 

hidup baru saja dimulai ketika kau tahu kau kehilangan apa untuk menemukan kembali.

hidup baru saja akan dimulai seiring kau mencari.

Kemudian, mungkin setelah pencarian panjang kau akan menemukan kembali suatu pencarian yang diresahkan sebuah pertanyaan:

"Sudahkah penemuanmu membuatmu ingin menemukan yang lebih jauh lagi?

but a lyrics on a song tells me: if you cant get what you want, you may get what you need.

Exactly. 

Whats Next?

In life, there would be so much thing happening, or nothing at all.  Many things that not like the book you read or the experience you ever heard.  Life is whats happening in you like no one else.  You can't predict, but you can't unpredict it too.

But life is beautiful, even in pain. Somehow i know, like the term 'life is never flat'.  There is always something that can makes you smile, there will always be another option.  Life would never be fair, but somehow, you could find a hole that makes you see through it all. Life is fair to be unfair.  Even it goes unfair in one side, it doesnt in other side. Because nothing perfect and happiness is very subjective.

For now, after the 'hardest point' at my academic phase, i will move on to another step.  I still dont know yet where i'm gonna stop, my limited view, limited perspective to see the big big world.  I dont know, i will try sometimes, or not try, its not my decision right now, because i will make the decision when i must make the decision (what a very confuse statement). Honestly, i confused too, but i accept it with all of my heart.  Because, you must feel 'lost' first to feel 'find' again.  I hope i will find my right tune, and will be on the right track to make it happen.  But behind everything, i will try to find the next step.  Next dream to catch and next thing to make me busy and drawn in life whatever i will call it, 'experience' or 'dream comes true'.  Lets find ourself!