perayaan

seperti kemenangan, kekalahan punya tempatnya sendiri untuk dirayakan. milestone demi milestone, kedukaan, penyangkalan, penerimaan, hingga akhirnya penutupan dan kesimpulan. 

memproses semua hal hal yang berat dalam hidup, meskipun adalah hal yang benar untuk dilakukan. tapi tetap tidak menyampingkan persoalan bahwa hal itu tetap berat untuk dilewati. 

melakukan apapun yang dilakukan, asal tidak menyerah dan melanjutkan hidup. memproses semua yang lewat, yang harus dilewati. memperbaiki diri, mengambil pelajaran dan hikmah. menjadi satu persen lebih baik dari yang sudah sudah. 

cuci muka, gosok gigi, bangun dari tidur dan menjalani hari satu kali lagi. bertahanlah satu kali lagi. 

12/12

dekonstruksi dan hal hal yang ingin dipikirkan ulang

terkadang, pada zona dan situasi yang telah terlanjur nyaman. membutuhkan sebuah dekonstruksi - sebuah ide dari jacques derrida, yang menawarkan pemikiran bahwa kita tidak boleh mempertahankan makna yang lama dan ada- tapi harus terus menerus menemukan kebenaran baru- dan kesempatan untuk memaknai ulang sesuatu. pada teks, begitu pula pada hidup.

sebuah kebingungan, ataupun kesempatan, mungkin pada akhirnya akan mengantarkan kesempatan emas untuk merombak hal hal yang telah usang dan tak lagi relevan pada truth dan kesadaran kita- yang pada saat ini, tak lagi dipuaskan oleh kebenaran yang ada.

seperti juga kebuntuan- yang terselit dalam hari hari monoton dan biasa. membuat kita jalan bagai robot dan tenggelam dalam rutinitas, otomatisasi dan dikte dikte yang begitu patuh. kalau kita benar benar bertanya, mungkin kita tak membutuhkannya- atau kita terlanjur berpikir membutuhkannya. mempelajari lagi cara berpikir kritis dan mempertanyakan segala sesuatu. 

mungkin kita bisa memulai lagi dari kekosongan dan membangun sesuatu, bukan membangun dari nol tapi dari pengalaman yang sudah sudah. mempelajari kesalahan agar tak muncul lagi hal hal yang mengganggu. mencoba mengeliminasi ketidaknyamanan dan gangguan hingga ke titik semuanya masih bisa dibiarkan. atau mematikan perasaan untuk merasakan gangguan yang datang. 

hidup dan kemungkinan interprestasi yang tak terhingga- mengantar kita bebas memaknai hidup menjadi apa saja. karena kita lah yang akan menjalaninya dan merasa nyaman sampai ke ketidaknyamanannya, kemudian memilih- apa yang kita inginkan beserta konsekuensi dan deritanya.

kebenaran juga bukanlah sesuatu yang absolut, ada banyak jawaban yang masih memungkinkan untuk sebuah pertanyaan yang ditanyakan. maka terbukalah pada pilihan dan semua kemungkinan.

mungkin, akhirnya sebuah jawaban baru yang menerobos hal hal normatif dan yang menyenangkan, akan hadir di halaman tampilan depan.

Rabu, 30 Oktober 2024.

the hopeless poetic morning rumbling

from the younger, earlier innocent me, i learned the hard way that having attachments just make you sort of weak, there is nothing we can hold into this world, or we can be sure of. just like people's commentary, very biased and subjective. while as a absurdist and nihilist, i always challenged my self to not having much needs. the minimalism tend to makes me not pressured for doing anything at all cause its all wasted.

on the contrary, i find it difficult to have simple satisfaction, the anger just around the corner to blow up. the pressed emotion and feelings just one trigger away to blown on the wrong place. but day by day, i find the catharsis make me a complete stranger. maybe finally, its all what we need in this little world. another reason to hold on, another task to follow, another feeling to digest, no matter how bad it feels on your stomach. to keep going on even the world's keep crumbling again and again. and then you changed.

finally, not like you expected, you survived. with all things completed and just fine, except your sanity, your willingness and your naivity to survived. its all now just surviving. or you just kinda losing it and lose the grasp of uncertain reality you dont want to connect anymore.

but a bright day have that way to makes you having that little silly smile and hope, filling your chest. even after the rough storms. and i kinda hate all that. i hate the changing season that makes me have that willingness to live again, to feel again. maybe i want to go back crawling and rotten. maybe i dont want all the world's offers and just wanna feel nothing.

tuesday, july 9th 2024

121/366

My new year prep manifesto for 2024!

Sebentar lagi tahun baru, 2024. Dari tahun lalu, aku udah mulai nulis semacam manifesto, yang isinya visi, misi, goals, tujuan-tujuan. Sebenernya udah punya vision board dari sekitar 2009-2019 soalnya entah kenapa dari SMA, aku tuh suka banget baca buku buku (di perpustakaan atau gramed) yang temanya self development atau pengembangan diri gitu. Jadi udah kenal lah, dengan konsep-konsep vision board. Tapi mungkin, baru tahun 2023 ini lebih agak serius, dari yang beneran punya google sheet tiap bulan yang ngetracking semua pengeluaran dan pemasukan aku, susun wishlist dan punya list apa apa aja yang pengen aku beli. Gak dipungkiri, ilmu-ilmu perencanaan yang aku pelajari di kampus, serta ngerjain dokumen perencanaan pemerintahan, juga ikut andil dalam menginspirasiku buat merencanakan dan beneran serius bikin strategic planning buat diri sendiri. Karena kan, emang harus dimulai dari diri sendiri dulu. 

Terus, aku juga buat buku manifesto sendiri - thanks buat canva app yang keren dan praktis banget yang memudahkan buat bikin 'buku' yang isinya tentang apa apa saja visi misi goals apa aja yang kira kira ingin aku dapetin di tahun ini. Yang bikin seneng di penghujung tahun, ada beberapa main wishlist yang udah bisa aku centang. Alhamdulillah. 

Kadang sebenernya juga takut gak enjoy jalani hidup dan takut stres sama target target yang gak kesampaian. Jujur selalu ada rasa takut, apakah semua harapan itu akhirnya bisa sampai, atau enggak. Tapi seenggaknya dengan goals yang dibikin sebanyak-banyaknya itu, setidaknya ada hal hal kecil yang dulunya gak ngeh karena berjalan aja, sekarang lebih memorable dan disyukuri karena udah sampe kesana. Seperti hukum alam- beberapa hal kadang emang berjalan secara natural jika kita sudah 'disitu'. Tentu, targetnya sekarang jadi lebih conscious dan mindful dengan apa yang sedang dijalani sekarang. Punya mimpi mimpi besar juga mengingatkan bahwa gak semuanya harus terjadi sekarang, jadi back-up plan dan pencapaian-pencapaian kesana juga sudah dilakukan. Manifesto rasanya jadi salah satu upaya, untuk memperjelas apa yang ada di pikiran, yang sebenarnya sudah ada di kepala, hanya saja kadang kabur dan tidak jelas. Kita juga bisa jadi mengevaluasi hal hal apa yang sudah kita tidak inginkan lagi- atau pilihan hal hal baru apa yang kita inginkan dalam hidup, dan menyusun cara bagaimana sampai ke sana. Juga merefleksikan hal hal yang telah dilakukan, apakah yang dilakukan sekarang mendekatkan pada tujuan, atau kita hanya sekedar bersenang-senang tanpa tau, mungkin hal itulah yang benar benar ingin kita lakukan. 

Setiap orang punya jalan hidup, kesukaan, arah yang ingin dikejar yang berbeda-beda. Jadi, lakukanlah apa apa yang kau mau, perjelaslah, lakukanlah lebih banyak, lakukanlah hal yang menurutmu menyenangkan dari apa apa yang pernah terjadi padamu. Berlatihlah, tenggelamlah dalam mimpimu dan yang paling penting, berbahagialah dalam menikmati setiap prosesnya. And at least, give you more reason to be excited to living live to the fullest. 

love,

in the end of 2023

3 days for a lifetime

This week is so unforgettable for me, a yudicium at my campus, yudicium for my faculty and then graduation.  Its like happiness to celebrate the joy that finally i can finish my study, but also tearful to realize that most of my friends would be gone, because they must going back to their town and work there for a long time.  

My friends at the dormitory and campus, called andalan89 is the second family for me.  Because i think they're the closest friends i ever had.  I think in a life out here i'm not easy to make friends before, to open up my feelings, building a wall so no one can let in.  But at the dorm, there is so many time we spent, so i let all that happen, to make them see how fragile i was, how crazy, how sad, or how happy i am.  I let them see who i really am.  Angry, jealous, sad, happy, fall in love then a broken heart, all the complete feeling that i share, that i tell honestly, without any 'blow-up' or 'cut-out'.  The moment that makes me feels like home, feels like something familiar and acceptable, like a family. That can accept me for everything i ever done and for every mistakes i ever made.  I think 4 years is so unforgettable and amazing.

Thank you for such an amazing years.

Deadlock

Some surprising (i know this thing will come, but, still) advise from my dad is come, to be out of job.  He says that may i just being jobless for a year than after that i could propose and try any opportunity that i can take.  Of course its a shock for me, but he says that it would be nice if i had a deadlock, or doing nothing for a year until i get into a job. I know this is his 'philosopy' mind again telling me and i thinks its quite right (if finally i get a job and then just can have a holiday a few months in a year).  I will take that, if my month's expense could handle, but in this economic depression (my dad still waiting his transfer, and my mom, um, like that) i think its not a choice. Of course i have some dream to catch and passion to work than just be a lazy person doing this 'internet-thingy' and watching so many serials and movies, then drawn in my own feelings.  I need to be busy, i need to be needed, to explore who am i, what i will do in the next day or have something to catch.  If i can choose where i want know, i choose to die trying than die boring. Of course. I hope i can enjoy my self then be an independent woman, free soul that can go wherever i want. This early deadlock makes me realize one thing: i dont want to end up nothing. I want to come up with something.  This deadlock must find another way!

Confusing State

If you ever be in the situation that awkward, something that you dont want to be there, but you still.  Because you just can't escape, because you dont have another better option.  Deal with the available option or just say no and be alone.  Sometimes you just dont know. The gut just tell you, you want to be nowhere, or you may still can't deal with your past. I never be so sure. 

Life just contain so many complicate thing you never be so sure about whats happen or whats happen next. I want to try something new, but i just stuck with the available option over and over again. The option that i cant choose.  Its felt so miserable. I think i just messed up, end with want something abstract, something miracle, something 'life-changing'. But its life really like that? its life full of miracle and fantasy? Of course no. But deep inside me, i know that i want that miracle, i want to create one. I dont know if i will success or just keep my hope wide open and then crush it away. And then i watch this serial, beauty and the beast, that say something like, life is full of risk, and maybe sometimes, all the risk is worth to get what you really desire of. Maybe you must give a try. Give a try over and over again, because if its really worth, the universe just conspire and everything will be fit. Maybe.

Movie Week

Insidious Chapter 2

pict here

Directed by : James Wan
Produced by : Jason Blum & Oren Peli
Story by : James Wan & Leigh Whannel
Starring L Patrick Wilson (Josh lambert), Garett Ryan (Young Josh), Rose Byrne (Renai Lambert), Ty Simpkins (Dalton Lambert), Lin Shaye (Elise Ranier), Lindsay Seim (young Elise), Andrew Astor (Foster Lambert), Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane), Tom Fitzpatrick (Bride in Black/Old Parker), Tyler Griffin (Young Parker).

I think this is the best horror movie i ever watch.  The plot is so neat, and continues from the first chapter.  The director could make the episode explain another episode.  So, this film not only make us scare, but also make us think and try to remember.  I think it is the main point when you tell people a story, you must attract the audience so they want to care, so they want to remember the character if they want to know the whole story.

The actor and actress play nicely, but i really like Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane) because i think she remind me of Susanna (Indonesian horror actress), with scary big eyes, old fashion and stiff gesture. 

Well, done.  For this movie, i will rate 4 from 5. (Because its never 5 or perfect movie).

Whats Next?

In life, there would be so much thing happening, or nothing at all.  Many things that not like the book you read or the experience you ever heard.  Life is whats happening in you like no one else.  You can't predict, but you can't unpredict it too.

But life is beautiful, even in pain. Somehow i know, like the term 'life is never flat'.  There is always something that can makes you smile, there will always be another option.  Life would never be fair, but somehow, you could find a hole that makes you see through it all. Life is fair to be unfair.  Even it goes unfair in one side, it doesnt in other side. Because nothing perfect and happiness is very subjective.

For now, after the 'hardest point' at my academic phase, i will move on to another step.  I still dont know yet where i'm gonna stop, my limited view, limited perspective to see the big big world.  I dont know, i will try sometimes, or not try, its not my decision right now, because i will make the decision when i must make the decision (what a very confuse statement). Honestly, i confused too, but i accept it with all of my heart.  Because, you must feel 'lost' first to feel 'find' again.  I hope i will find my right tune, and will be on the right track to make it happen.  But behind everything, i will try to find the next step.  Next dream to catch and next thing to make me busy and drawn in life whatever i will call it, 'experience' or 'dream comes true'.  Lets find ourself!

Episode Singkat

Kuceritakan padamu sebuah cerita tentang kehilangan, katamu sambil memperlihatkan hati dalam genggaman tangan yang asing yang tak mau kau sebut panggilannya.  Seorang anak kecil yang lugu dan polos dalam matamu menari dalam taman kanak kanak imajiner.  Kemudian luruh dan runtuh langit yang tiada itu menjadi deru air mata yang mengalir dari sungai yang tak pernah kau ketahui muaranya.  Atap atap tembikar menyeruak menelusupkan rintik dari celah-celah rajutan ke dalam matanya kemudian ia berlari, mencari keteduhan dari pohon yang begitu rimbun namun rintik masih menitik dalam helai helai dedaunan yang jatuh menua, berjalan pula ia terlalu jauh dan orang yang begitu asing memberikan benda ajaib yang cembung dan menjatuhkan bulir rintik dari terpanya. Tapi anak kecil itu melihat awan yang muram, tidak tega membiarkannya tak berkawan karena alasan.  Jemari yang menapak kemudian terlalu melebur dalam lunak hingga kau tak bisa berpijak. Tiada yang mampu menahan bulir yang menyerahkan dirinya untuk lebur dan hancur. 

Sehingga tinggal genggamanmu dalam hati yang melingkupi resah yang melumat gundah, kuserahkan nadi untuk menjalar ke seluruh semesta. 

Maka kau kecup keningku dan kau bilang itu cinta.

Maaf Ketiga

Malam ini, maaf memberikan tiga.
Hanya Tiga.
Cukup Tiga.
Sementara tiga.

Pertama, untuk orang yang selalu ada,
setiap waktu,
entah apapun di baliknya.
Hanya ada.

Kedua, untuk orang yang telah terlalu banyak mencintai,
dan kurasakan segalanya meskipun tetap tak bisa.
hanya tak bisa saja.

Ketiga, untuk diriku sendiri
yang hingga kini
masih belum memaafkannya,
tapi tetap mencintai yang tiada.

Camouflage On Social Media

Latest discussion at the cafe with my friend was about the camouflage on social media. The sample of this analysis is based by our close friends. The method of this post is inductive, means i made conclusion from the specific to general, from the case that i see from my friends, then make a conclusion in general.

Recently, as the development of social media and the easy access of internet could give people a right to use their personal account, like facebook, twitter, path, instagram, or even this blog and so many more. No one or nothing can stop them, so people free to read, or not to read, to share or not to share. But there would be a question, how far they can share thoughts, photos, and who will stop the readers/followers/friends judging them?

Today, the conflict that happen at social media is 'booming' too. Like the controversial post of Marissa Haque at blog, or microblog like twitter that called 'twitwar'. Then (just my personal opinion) a disturbing tweet from farhat abbas, and many anonymous user that claim themselves as investigator or journalist. If one of the user share the frontal statement that affect the mass reaction of other user because they may leak a conspiration theory or just make a stupid statement/even the smart ones. But nowadays people respons more to stupidity than intelligence. Yeah, another show-off, people! :))

The account, that represent the personality of user, sometimes could give us an unpredictable thing that would be very interesting. Like one of my friend, in the society, she would be very quiet, passive and shy, but when she is at home, hold her blackberry that connected with twitter and facebook, would change herself to be more active, seduce and confident. (Personal opinion). The other sample, one of my friend, a boy always shows a sadness, and mellow statement at his 'status' at facebook, but when we meet him, we can see a cheerful boy with light attitude. 

Ah, but you will never see how the pattern comes, and you will never make a solid theory, then. The phenomenon just a mirror to reflect the personal things, human with the complexity of psychology things. I think finally the choice is made by ourselves like how we control our self in a society, it is your choice to show people your different side that may give you another positive respons or to show off what you are good at. Its your choice, but at least dont make it really contrast and annoying if you dont want people laugh at you. Anyway, people will judge anyway, but dont mind to show who you really are. Be yourself, but lets be the best of yourself! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

- Oscar Wilde

yang tidak tak terbatas

elang terbang terlalu jauh malam ini tak kembali pulang
menembus pelangi memecah cakrawala
ada kepak sayap yang lelah telah terlalu jauh melangkah
menembus ruang waktu
kemudian menghilang

ada puing yang tersisakan dari percikan abu
di tengah pusaran nisanmu
aku bersimpuh

kau lebih buruk dari pagi yang terlalu dingin
dan siang yang terlalu panas
tidak hilang tapi tak juga pergi
tidak pergi tidak pula kembali
tidak ada tapi tak pula tiada

kau satu diantara berjuta
gelap diantara cahaya

kita tiada merasa
tiada mencinta
tersesat dalam pusara tanpa muara
kekal dalam waktu, kekal dalam biru

pontianak, 24 agustus 2013

Fling

I think its silly idea to think that i still can't move on. Or its me that labelling my self, the fact is, i still can't find someone who can stay in a relationship with me (Or me) more than two years. I don't know, until now i think  i am go back like i was still on high school, date with a few man but its just like a crush and fling.  Its like a very mysterious fate that send me a man that just don't fit me for a long time, or not yet?.  I think its how the universe give me a damn lesson to fail again until finally i meet the right guy that makes all of this shit right. LOL.  Sometimes its so fun, i can meet and date all the man who come to me.  Try to go out with someone who may have different life-background, to have a relationship with people i dont really know, and i can't meet, meet someone who already married and have a son. I'm very open to have a communication or relationship to anyone. Its fun to meet people with any background. Fortunately i'm an open-minded and understanding. :)) Future is a very mysterious place, you can't make it predictable with analyse all the detail. Just enjoy and balance with everything comes. And make the best for everything. :)

pict taken here

Comeback

Tonight i stay in my dorm again after this long time.  At thursday i will start my research and do some interview.  Start a new thing to me, doing this job.  Somehow i like this atmosphere, at my last semester, doing research, write, maybe i just love writing, and being persistence to revision and revision until my adviser get satisfied.  I prefer being busy, i love being busy than have no idea what will i do.  I dont know what the best thing i can do, i try some of my hobby and feel just not right.  I want many things in life.  

I want to sing, i want to write a book, i want to study abroad, i want to have a promising job so i can earn so much money to buy my dream house and my dream car, i want to open restaurant with very delicious food, i want to open cozy cafe with bookstore and jukebox, i want to have my own clothing line so i can design edgy and cool clothes for my consumer and my self, i want a soulmate that could love me as much i love him and being loyal to me, i want to go travel and dont worry about money, damn, i want so many things in life. Lol. 

Human life in a level they can afford.  What i want for now, is the next level of my life, but before i go to the next level, i realize that i must finish this level first with a high score.  Can I? My dad advice me to life at sufficiently, have a low expectation so if you dont succeed you dont dissapoint much.  But i think my version of sufficient is just like this. LOL. And by the mean have a low expectation maybe just keep in mind that what i want like that just a dream and its okay, and acceptable if i can't get it right now. LOL.  Oh, i'm just talking about myself, but, this is the purpose of this blog, isn't it? For my personal journal so next month, next year, or next decade i can connect my laptop to internet and search this link then i can think about what i ever thought. Maybe.

Hypocrite

Sometimes, we lied to ourself, for unavoidable problems, bitter facts, or spontaneous desire.  And then, we ended feel sorry and feel so pathetic.  How i can trust someone i barely know to handle my feeling? How i can be that naive? Then i read a nice article about how people lied to themselves.  Its okay to lying, to keep our feeling better, to manipulate our mind so we can cheer up face another messy day.  What is truth? Its absurd and there is no clear standard to define that. So why so worry? Live for today like you dont have tomorrow and love like you can't runout of it. Be fragile, be broken then adapt any changes in your life. I ever read an advice to talk to any human you'll meet. Read book you never think to read, talk to everyone, dont judge, explore more in life, go travel and see the world with all of the possibilty. Adapt anything, absorb anything, then filter the good spirit to your life. So may i could kill this loneliness and this dont-know-what-to-do feeling to some thing to do and inspire me more. Hope so! :)

Answer The Unanswered

picture from here

So, randomly i ask something random to someone i randomly know from tumblr, and then, he just answer.

karina-oktriastra asked you:

Ben, do you have a ‘hole’ in your heart? when you feel something is missing and you cant do anything about that? then what will you do?

We all do don’t we? You can’t do anything about it? But you are doing something about it. It’s just whatever you are doing right now is no longer fulfilling. We fill it with friends, lovers, parties, drugs, sex, alcohol, music and art. With our prayers, our churches, our mosques and our gods, with our faiths and beliefs, with the knowledge we’ve gained, with our identities, our nationalism and our ideologies. We do all that just to make sense of something that is insane. Life is insane, absurd and unpredictable. And all of these things gives us comfort. To belong to something, to be a part of something, to hold on to something gives us comfort.

We always want to belong to something, but very seldom do we want to belong to everything. 

What will I do? What will I do is what I will do. The question is what will you do? What will you do when something is missing? What will you do?

Priority

In my life, after a 'disaster' and haunted of past.  Now i keep move on.  Life through anything in front of me.  Do what i want to do, without much expectation but do what i can do.  Even now i try to get into relationship but i dont think i'm ready.  Then realize i end up hurt anyone else so i decide to stop.  Stop pretend and force my feeling into some relationship again.  Then just let it go.  I dont want to think about it.  My priority just changed and i know there is more to life than that feeling.  Or maybe the right person still not come. I dont know, i just want to clear out my feeling for now.  Enjoy every sunrise and every sunset. Blend with some new people, flirt with any guy i want but not yet get into deep relation again.  Don't want to far away from people but not too close to.  Maybe just in the middle.  To keep in balance, to keep my logic and my feeling separate so may i can make it healed or maybe stronger.  Then go for my dream and focus to do what needed to do.  Then, go out and life, do what you want to do, while you try more to reach your dream. Happy Thursday, anyone.

Sweet Escape

Recently i just go out. Not the smartest holiday, i think but i take a risk to have a trip with people i dont know, with less equipment.  I go to Randayan island, then almost sink because our boat have problem with the water pumps.  Then my bags was drained.  Just getting worse when i put my galaxy tab, blackberry and digital camera there.  But when it happen, i dont know i just feel calm. I dont know maybe just a little bit relief, to know that i dont bring anything else in this world, and i would left this world without anything too.

At the island, with people who i dont really know.  I feel free. Free from judgement and attachment. That i know this life is short, and enjoy anything universe give to you.  Be pure, dont whining, just close your eyes, and enjoy it. 

Too much attachment would broke you when you cant let it go.  Anything would come, anything would left.  Save your energy from the wasted complaint. 

Be free. From people. From your expectation. From yourself.  

*nodocumentationhere*

(did i mention before i just lost my digital camera? :P)

Deepest Regret

Sometimes in the middle of the night, or when i'm alone, sitting and wondering.  There is something that comes to my mind and haunt me, annoy and distract my feeling.  Its full me up then i feel sad about it.  Regret.

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours.  Regret is often expressed by the term 'sorry'.  Often feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depressiom, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner an later wishes not to have done so (said wiki).

Maybe wiki could choose words to decribe about what i feel even i can't decribe a right words to express it enough.  That something in your past haunt you, left a big hole in your heart that you know no one can fill it again, even you try over and over again.  That no one can replace and erase your memory about the beautiful things, at once the regretful things that even it just comes to you as a flash you will feel a pain, dissapoint, angry, etc that makes your feeling is not good.  Something that unfinished yet but you can't make an action to finish it, something that you can't handle then over and over again humming in your hearts, ears then your eyes. Something that comes to you asking for something you can't aswer.  Something haunt you but you can do anything to fix because its already over.  Something that you must let go but it'll come back again, then you realize you can't.  Or you won't let it go.

Something that you want forget, you want to let go but you end up missing it again and again because you know it is the last thing left that you can stay with.  Something that makes you feel best but also hurt you with the biggest pain, something that you never feel before.  Something that makes you change and be better better person and learn from what ever happened.  Something, that used to be someone.  Who fill you.  Someone that you regret to know, but also thankful to know.  Someone that you want to forget but you can't.  Someone who give you biggest lesson that hardly to get over it.  Someone who is stranger to you now.  Can I?

The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either. 

Mick Jagger