Do Something.

picture from http://purplebuddhaproject.tumblr.com/

Recently i just decide to stop my routine from Muay Thai, Badminton and with some person.  I feel at this point i need a space for completely enjoy my time, do it time by time without less worrying or training to be better and better at something. I need something new, i want something new.  Even at my circumstances the logical choice is limited, i try my best to make my self surrounded by new things, because i dont want to end up regret what i've done.

Maybe after this busy month i will try something new, maybe start a new class to learn something i'm not good at.  I wonder what is my reason to stop, maybe i just get bored with a routine, target, upcoming event.  Getting tried to prepare something so i forget how it feels to enjoy what i'm doing.  Even my biggest motivation at the beginning is to chasing something.

So the decision is for my relationship too, i decide to stop my complicated relationship.  I make our communication stopped by rejecting a friend request, replying message and blocking all of his contact.  I want to make my mind clear that i dont want to add another complicated things in my life.  From now on, i will stop thinking to much and let it go.

I must admit it, i kinda have no idea what my passsion is.  A passion that i will say i sure to do it for the rest of my life.  This kind of commitment is the hard thing, because i still want more, expect more from this life.  I want more, more and more.

Of course the expectation sometimes the biggest enemy of reality, and here we come: dissapointed.  But as a normal human being, we have a need to be better, to move on, to want more than what we have.  And then last question, what actually we want?

Pulau Lemukutan

 

Di umur saya yang masih (baru, atau sudah?) 20an ini, tiba-tiba saya jadi mendambakan tinggal di sebuah desa dekat dengan sawah, pantai, air terjun atau bukit.  Pergi berjalan jalan dengan kaki telanjang dan menginjak tanah basah, bercengkrama dengan teman tanpa terlalu sibuk dengan gadget.  Menikmati udara sekitar tanpa ac yang terlalu dingin dan menikmati matahari tanpa takut kulit berubah menjadi hitam.  Tapi tentu, idealisme harus menyesuaikan dengan realita dan kesempatan yang ada.  Maka bolehlah dikatakan kesempatan yang ada hanyalah liburan ke daerah yang mendekati tempat ideal saya, pulau lemukutan.

Awalnya perjalanan saya ke pulau lemukutan, di daerah Tanjung Jati hanya ide nebeng saya dengan seorang teman yang akan membawa rombongan se-gang-nya. Tapi mendadak keluarga saya yang awalnya hanya ingin liburan di pantai yang ada di Singkawang, ingin ikut juga.  Jadilah perjalanan antara teman dan keluarga.

Untuk orang yang (agak) introvert seperti saya.  Perjalanan ini sedikit ramai dengan tinggal di penginapan seadanya dan tidur berdempetan.  Sebenarnya fasilitas yang minimal tidak pernah menjadi masalah  selama bersama dengan orang-orang yang gak terlalu banyak mengatur dan menghancurkan mood yang bisa berubah seketika. 

Hal lain yang saya senangi saat di pulau adalah snorkling.  Saya bisa menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam tanpa takut hitam (walaupun nantinya, akan).  Momen sunyi di dasar laut dengan hanya suara dengung sambil mengambang di tepian laut mampu menciptakan rasa damai, lepas dari masalah dan kekhawatiran-kekhawatiran.

Mungkin akhirnya yang kita butuhkan adalah spasi.  Sebuah suasana yang berbeda dari kegiatan rutin yang kita lakukan setiap hari.  Mengenal orang-orang baru, mengingat tempat baru, merekam momen momen baru., mempelajari trik-trik mengatasi masalah baru.  Tapi terlalu lama berada di tempat yang asyik juga akan membosankan, maka diputuskan kami hanya menginap satu malam saja.  Sudah puas berendam!

Tapi beberapa waktu lagi kami akan kembali, mengunjungi salah satu bagian kerajaan Neptunus!

#InsightfulArticle

Basic Social Media Mistake Everyone Makes BY JEFF HADEN
This is the fourth in my series where I choose a topic, pick someone smarter than me (finding smarter people is turning out to be way easier than my ego prefers), and we trade emails. To find other articles in the series, go here, here, and here.
This time I talked to Shama Kabani, the founder and CEO of The Marketing Zen Group and the author of The Zen of Social Media Marketing.
Shama's premise: Most social media marketing efforts fail because, at a fundamental level, people don't use social media to connect with businesses--or even with each other. People use social media to showcase their own identities.Jeff: You realize this premise is completely opposite from what most people think? Social media is supposed to be about connection, not reflection. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
Shama: And that's why most businesses get poor results. A social site is as much a digital mirror as it is a social platform. Connection starts with understanding the meaning and impact of that reflection.
Jeff: You're going to have to explain that.
Shama: I did my graduate thesis on Twitter back when it only had a few thousand users. My first questions were, "Why would people tweet? Why would they share what they are doing?"
While I was doing the research I had this light bulb moment. My original hypothesis was that we use social media to connect with each other, but I found the primary reason we use social media is to showcase our own identities.
Jeff: So we're all a bunch of narcissists.
Shama: It's not narcissistic at all. It's like in kindergarten (in a good way): You're having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the kid next to you says he likes peanut butter and jelly, then he says he likes blue crayons, and you like blue crayons... that's how we make friends and become who we are. We showcase our identities, and based on the reflection or reaction of other people, we tweak our identities.
The same is true when you're a teenager and, say, your friends like rock music. They wear certain clothes... so you do, too.
The only difference is that now all that is online. Think about Facebook profiles; Facebook really gets the idea that people, first and foremost, want to showcase who they are. Social media is like a mirror we hold up to show how we are unique and special.
It's like we're decorating the inside of our lockers again. We just transferred that to the Web.
The platforms have changed, but the principles of how we behave and how we express ourselves? Not really.
Jeff: I get that. A friend loves to add stuff to his Facebook timeline. I tease him because he acts like a painter finishing a masterpiece. When he's done he's a little too pleased with himself. (I know you said it's not narcissistic, but in his case I'm not so sure.)
But I'm not sure how understanding that helps a business improve its social media marketing efforts.
Shama: Here's how. Most companies still focus on the secondary aspect: Getting them to connect with us. Too many companies say, "Business is about marketing and branding. We will create a brand. We will tell people who we are."
That's backwards. Realizing that social media is a mirror forces companies to think not about what they want their brand to be, but what their brand says about the individual.
And that's why a cupcake shop can rack up more likes than a major corporation. Liking the little cupcake shop down the street says something about me as an individual: Maybe they only use organic ingredients and that's important to me. Or maybe they donate a portion of their revenue to a charity I support. In some way, that cupcake shop is a reflection of my identity and an extension of my identity brand. It reflects something I see in myself.
Liking a big company... what does that do for me? Not much. What does that say about me? Nothing.
Jeff: That's probably why I've never felt compelled to "like" a big company. (Maybe that's why I don't even have a Facebook account?)
Plus there's the association factor. If I like a fast-food chain I'm not going to declare it publicly. I'm not going to like an athlete's foot powder or a dandruff shampoo or adult diapers. (Not that I need any of those!) That would not only say something about me, it would say too much about me.
But I would like my local bike shop because they lead local bicycle advocacy efforts, help build new trails... and they're great guys. So liking them would say something I would feel good about saying.
Shama: For a business, what matters most is not what your brand says about you--it's what your brand says about the people you want to interact with.
The heart of building a community, whether you're a B2B or a B2C, is recognizing what that community cares about. It's not manipulative, it's not sneaky--it's the most authentic way to brand your business and grow a following online.
It's not manipulative because it's about what you do, not what you say. It's about what you do and what that says about the people who like you for doing it.
Jeff: I see and hear stuff like "Like us on Facebook!" or "Follow us on Twitter!" all over the place, and I always wonder what the business is thinking. Why would I? You haven't given me a reason.
And I'm immediately turned off when I have to "like" a business to get a discount or special offer. But maybe that's just me.
I wouldn't feel a connection to the company. It would just be a a transaction. "Here's my like, now give me my discount."
Shama: There's a much better approach that doesn't require incentives or promotions. (Although there is nothing wrong with either.)
I was speaking at a real estate conference and a number of people said they were frustrated because they had created social media platforms for their real estate businesses and nothing was happening. The problem was they had sites... but those sites didn't say anything about the people they wanted to engage.
But if they changed their focus and created a site like, say, "Why Dallas Rocks," and it was powered by Dallas Realtors... then you can get likes because it says a lot about me: I like my city, I like my community... and I like you for getting that.
The same is true for a wedding site. Say you sell bridal gowns--how many people are going to follow you? Change the focus. Create a site like "All About Brides," or "I Can't Believe I'm Engaged," or "OMG I'm Engaged!"... powered by Downtown Bridal.
Which will get more likes? The site focused on showing people what you are, or the site focused on what brides feel about themselves? Brides will want to connect with you when they know you get them.
Jeff: But what if I'm in a service business? What if my business isn't so much about products but about, for want of a better way to put it, me?
Shama: The same principle applies; in fact, when people are the focus it can be even more powerful.
That's why letting people connect with the CEO works so well. It's an extension of your brand. It's a relationship. Who would you rather connect with, a company or a person?
And that's why I resisted creating a page for our agency for a long time. I finally caved in when we decided to use it for customer service and answering questions. But it proves my point: I have over 200k Facebook subscribers, and our agency page has a few thousand. People like being able to connect with the CEO.
People want to connect with people. When you connect with a person at a business, it's like you know someone there. That's really powerful.
Jeff: Now put it into action. Tell me what to do.
Shama: The key is to forget what you want to say about yourself. Think about what your customers want to say and feel about themselves.
1. Start with your customers.Forget your brand. What do your customers see as their brand?
Forget your messaging. What is the messaging of your audience?
For example, there's an Italian restaurant nearby. The interior is splashed with pictures of the owners, their families, and generations of people who have eaten there. They encourage customers to put their pictures up. When you walk in you instantly know they care about family, about tradition... you can tell family means everything to them.
People who care about family connect with the restaurant because it says something about how they see themselves.
Think in broader terms. How do your customers see themselves? What is important to them?
2. Create a platform that integrates your customers' brand with what you offer.One of our clients runs chiropractic clinics. Many of their patients were injured in accidents. So they built a "don't text and drive" platform. They've created an entire campaign around preventing accidents. They frequently speak at schools and community events. They even created a pledge people can feature on their profiles to show it's something they care about. It's like bumper stickers on steroids.
The community cares about protecting their kids and, be honest, adults, because everyone is guilty of texting while they're driving. Our client cares about it, too. And they prove it.
Or take American Express: Who would join a social network for a credit card company? No one. So Amex built Open Forum and created a community for small business people who need information and resources. They do crazy numbers. If a credit card company can do it... you can too.
Determine what you stand for, blend that with what your customers care about, and find the right balance point.
3. Be part of a movement.Marketing has always been about you: Your needs and your objectives.
Of course the goal is to get leads and sales, but with social media you should look at something bigger, become a part of a movement... be part of something your audience cares about.
Then you get more than bottom line results: You get to be a part of something bigger and more meaningful.
The Dallas YMCA did a campaign featuring stories about their members and how the Y changed their life. In effect they created a collage of beautiful stories and pictures. Those stories mean something to people. We all want to change our lives for the better and to be around people who feel the same way.
Bottom line: Don't mistake the medium for the message. That's not what it is.
Find a way to be of service--and to be a part of something bigger than your business.

Source page : www.inc.com <http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/basic-social-media-marketing-mistake-everyone-makes.html>

Very insightful artile to read, tells that our social media reflect who we are, help to know ourself better to 'communicate' more with people...

Rumah

Kupanggil ia rumah.
Karena di hatinya hatiku bernaung, tak mau pergi

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena setiap kali langkah kakiku melangkah pergi
selalu menyeret setiap ingin untuk kembali

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena meski telah seribu caci maki
selalu ada seribu satu maaf seketika dari hati

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena meski pintu pagar telah tertutup
dan pintu depan telah terkunci
selalu ada cemas dan harap untuk diterima kembali

kupanggil ia rumah
karena mudah saja, untuk selalu mencintai kembali.
berulang ulang kali.
berulang ulang kali.
berulang ulang kali.

Pontianak, 30 September 2013

Camouflage On Social Media

Latest discussion at the cafe with my friend was about the camouflage on social media. The sample of this analysis is based by our close friends. The method of this post is inductive, means i made conclusion from the specific to general, from the case that i see from my friends, then make a conclusion in general.

Recently, as the development of social media and the easy access of internet could give people a right to use their personal account, like facebook, twitter, path, instagram, or even this blog and so many more. No one or nothing can stop them, so people free to read, or not to read, to share or not to share. But there would be a question, how far they can share thoughts, photos, and who will stop the readers/followers/friends judging them?

Today, the conflict that happen at social media is 'booming' too. Like the controversial post of Marissa Haque at blog, or microblog like twitter that called 'twitwar'. Then (just my personal opinion) a disturbing tweet from farhat abbas, and many anonymous user that claim themselves as investigator or journalist. If one of the user share the frontal statement that affect the mass reaction of other user because they may leak a conspiration theory or just make a stupid statement/even the smart ones. But nowadays people respons more to stupidity than intelligence. Yeah, another show-off, people! :))

The account, that represent the personality of user, sometimes could give us an unpredictable thing that would be very interesting. Like one of my friend, in the society, she would be very quiet, passive and shy, but when she is at home, hold her blackberry that connected with twitter and facebook, would change herself to be more active, seduce and confident. (Personal opinion). The other sample, one of my friend, a boy always shows a sadness, and mellow statement at his 'status' at facebook, but when we meet him, we can see a cheerful boy with light attitude. 

Ah, but you will never see how the pattern comes, and you will never make a solid theory, then. The phenomenon just a mirror to reflect the personal things, human with the complexity of psychology things. I think finally the choice is made by ourselves like how we control our self in a society, it is your choice to show people your different side that may give you another positive respons or to show off what you are good at. Its your choice, but at least dont make it really contrast and annoying if you dont want people laugh at you. Anyway, people will judge anyway, but dont mind to show who you really are. Be yourself, but lets be the best of yourself! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

- Oscar Wilde

Challenge Yourself

My college's academic phase just near to the final. But in the end, there is so many things happen, so many thoughts.  Maybe all i want before is wrong, maybe i should be at different path. I dont know. Future is so mysterious for me now. So i kinda open my mind, do everything i can or get any chance.  At least i want to make my self busy, because busy is better than being bored! :)

Today i just try to play paintball at TFK, i'm so happy that i have an adventurous friends, open minded, and accept me as who i am. They may not know my past or know me very better, but thats what i want in a friendship, not really close but not too far too. Just keep it as easy as possible. Sometimes people said that boy and girl cant be friend, because they will be fall for each other, especially when you are single. I dont think so, its our choice, its our free will to let ourself fall or not. Thanks for all of you guys! made my day!

 Taman Fantasia Kalbar (TFK), Ayani 2, Pontianak

Jeda

Di tengah televisi yang menggumam itu, ada segelas air putih yang sudah terlanjur habis dan belum lagi diisi. Beberapa jemari telah mengisi jeda di jemarimu yang renggang namun tidak juga kau acuhkan, ketika kau terlalu sibuk dengan duniamu, ambisimu yang menghantui dengan jam jam sibuk dan penuh tekanan.
Tapi rupanya aku salah, ketidakmampuanmu merasa bukan karena kau tidak perduli, tapi kau terlalu naif untuk melepaskan, dan egomu terlalu tinggi untuk mengakui apa yang sebenarnya kau rasakan.
Hidup itu membosankan, katamu, untuk datang dengan hal yang biasa, menjadi biasa dan melakukan hal hal yang biasa. Tidak pernah cukup untukku, katamu.

Setiap hari kau berlari, mengejar entah apa, yang kau definisikan sebagai jam jam panjang dengan aku, sebagai jeda yang manis di antara mimpi-mimpimu yang mati matian kau wujudkan. Lama aku baru menyadari akhirnya, bukan kesibukan yang mengejarmu, tapi kamu yang mengejar kesibukan itu. Kesibukan yang kau kira mampu membunuh kesepian kesepianmu, malam malam yang penuh dengan kebosanan dan pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu yang terlalu panjang tentang hidup.

Kau adalah orang teregois yang pernah aku kenal, tapi kemudian adalah orang yang paling bisa kupahami karena aku tahu apa yang telah kau lalui hari demi hari.  Dan dalam kehidupan yang tidak pernah terduga, aku hanya datang, untuk menggenggam tanganmu dan menenangkanmu.

Kadang aku tidak mengakui diriku jadi yang kedua, tidak pula kau yang menegaskan bahwa aku adalah yang kedua. Tidak, hubungan kita terlalu jauh untuk dapat diberi label dan diberi nama.

Kita hanya, kita...

Kekecewaan bukan lagi hal baru untuk kita, pengkhianatan, cinta yang tak tersampaikan dan tak terabaikan bukan lagi barang mewah. Apalagi sebuah cinta yang setia.

Aku tidak mengenal cinta yang setia, tidak pula kau. Mungkin karena hal hal yang telah terlalu sering kita lihat untuk memaknai apa yang ada tidak seperti kacamata orang lain.

Kita tidak bermasalah, hanya memandangnya dengan cara yang berbeda dari sudut pandang orang lain.

Tidak, kita tidak menggombal kata cinta, tidak pula melakukan hal hal yang harusnya belum dilakukan. Tidak, kita jauh dari itu.

Kita hanya, berbagi. Berbagi rasa, berbagi cerita, berbagai keluh, berbagi rasa sakit. Dan kemudian saling menenangkan.

Untuk itu, aku tidak perlu memotong hubungan asmara siapapun juga karena aku sudah tahu rasanya, dan aku sudah pernah melaluinya. Aku mengerti.

Aku tidak pernah menuntut, tidak pula mengejar.

Kita hanya menyediakan waktu masing-masing, menyesuaikan jadwal, mengisi jeda dalam hidup kita masing-masing, kemudian menghabiskannya bersama.

Terlalu munafik untuk melihat kembali masa lalu, tidak pula terlalu terburu buru untuk menjalani masa depan, kita adalah saat ini, detik ini dalam kerapatan jemari yang saling menggenggam untuk saling menguatkan.

Mungkin suatu hari semuanya itu akan berhenti ketika kita berdua tidak lagi nyaman, waktu yang tidak lagi pas dan hasrat yang tidak lagi cukup.

Mungkin juga suatu hari kita akan masuk ke dalam sebuah tahap yang baru, tahap yang jelas, tahap yang berkomitmen dan mengikat untuk memperbolehkan kita tidak hanya berbagi diri kita berdua tetapi juga teman dan keluarga.

Mungkin juga suatu hari nanti, ini semua tidak lagi berarti apa apa.

Mungkin.

Siapa yang tahu?

Peacefulness

The Rage of Achilles by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo

I can't say i'm a very patient woman, i'm not think i'm that evil but i'm not a saint, either. Sometimes, or often i just lose my temper. I easily getting distracted if people, especially my friend if they just cross my line. The definition of 'my line' is very absurd with my mood for that day. Sometimes i think that i'm too individual, or i don't know, have a different view and perception of mostly people at my circle. I have a big ego to feed, and i will never harm other if they are not disrupt me first.  I'm vicious, egoist, have a bad temper, individualist sometimes, i think i have all the bad character but sometimes its just not stay long of course. I'm human.  I made a mistake and will always do something that i may regret.  But i'm realize that all of that okay, if i can make it as a lesson to make my self better.  Of course for someone who do bad things to me i will not just be patient and defencelessness, i will make them pay. But i still have heart and my head could think to whats the best for me, for that time, whats the consequences, whats the impact from what i do.  Sometimes i will count all, sometimes i just lost that and decide to follow my heart.  For future we can't predict, for mysterious fate, i hope all of that can make me a better person.

So, based on wikipedia.com (I try to be a little bit scientific) there are two simple dichotomy from anger, passive anger and aggresive anger, passive anger expressed in dispassion, evasiveness, defeatism, obsessive behaviour, physchological manipulation, secretive behaviour, self blame and self-sacrifice and aggresive anger expressed in bullying, destructiveness, grandiosity, hurtfulness, manic behavious, selfishness, threats, unjust blaming, unpredictability and vengeance. Hmm I dont even really understand a few definition of them.  But we are getting upset sometimes, have a 'fire' in our heart, sometimes makes us release it to someone, or something.  Sometimes the anger is the stack of sadness that haunt for a long time.  Sometimes the anger is just another excuse for a dream that can't be achieved, a failed target, or a pressure from people so we make people suffer like we all do. Never can despite the fact that all of us is suffering.  We suffer from this life, even for the lowest level or life, we are suffer to live life.  Even just to keep alive day by day, we attack by this sense of boredom, and so many things that sometimes we just cant find the solution.  We can't have all the solution in life. We can't win all. We can't take everything.  We can't be okay everyday. That's the fact. That's natural and that is life.  Keep open your mind and try more to understand, even with people who have different idea, different perspective, fanatic person. Try more, try again.  Can't we just life in a peace?

Fate or random circumstance ?

picture here

At first i would so hesitant.  Can i feel something to someone again? Dont really think my past is traumatic but almost succeed make me pull my self out from a kind of feeling from before.  I try to accept some people but it just dont work.  Then i become so pessimist.  Until i meet someone i already know, then for the first time he just call me from 1am until +-4am.  We talk a lot about absurd things, but its just the feeling i can't forget.  I never talk so much to someone after about one year i break up with my ex.  With him i just talk shit and not important things.  Then next day i just can't stop smiling.  We practically ever meet about 4 years ago, but i never really know him. Then after a few conversation, voila. Don't understand the thought that hit me. To be with someone that so far away. And face the fact that we can't meet until next three months. Really don't know what i'm doing, practically not logic but can we go back to the fact that we just human?  *excusesss... Just have a rare feeling. But i think it is worth to try. I will try my best.  Hope he would do the same. 

Dear fate or random circumstance, thankyou very much.

Answer The Unanswered

picture from here

So, randomly i ask something random to someone i randomly know from tumblr, and then, he just answer.

karina-oktriastra asked you:

Ben, do you have a ‘hole’ in your heart? when you feel something is missing and you cant do anything about that? then what will you do?

We all do don’t we? You can’t do anything about it? But you are doing something about it. It’s just whatever you are doing right now is no longer fulfilling. We fill it with friends, lovers, parties, drugs, sex, alcohol, music and art. With our prayers, our churches, our mosques and our gods, with our faiths and beliefs, with the knowledge we’ve gained, with our identities, our nationalism and our ideologies. We do all that just to make sense of something that is insane. Life is insane, absurd and unpredictable. And all of these things gives us comfort. To belong to something, to be a part of something, to hold on to something gives us comfort.

We always want to belong to something, but very seldom do we want to belong to everything. 

What will I do? What will I do is what I will do. The question is what will you do? What will you do when something is missing? What will you do?

Rivermaya

picture from here

Its amaze  how a song could be a time machine.  To bring my memories back to the past. When you and i still together.  I remember every detail when you are drive in my car, going home.  I turn this song, rivermaya- you'll be safe here.  You may not know what it means.  But i know, and i feel safe with you, i feel the time run slowly, just peace and comfortable to be around you. Your atmosphere.  

After decade, i still turn on this music in my car, wondering, are in the parallel universe we can still be together...

You are different person now, like i am.  And i can't go back to the past, because now i have my own future.  But the song that i turn everytime i getting lonely, makes me feel closer to you.  Like the moment we shared just happen yesterday.  Like you are still mine.   Freeze the time.  

I remember our first met, at the mosque we are literally speaks, our first date at cafe near my campus, my first kiss that seems to be the last.  I remember every detail like your fragrance, your smells, your skin, your coarse hair. I remember everything.  And this song just make it perfect.  This song can makes me feel you, like, i close my eyes, and sense your existence, my feeling when you around.

I dont care maybe its sounds silly.But I can accept my fate. Then i must face one important thing, all of that is just my memory, not yours.  But sometimes i just want something to remember, something that makes me escape from present and go back a little to amazing time i had in my past.  After that, i can be more appreciate for all the things i have now.  And remember the beautiful things, believe somewhere i would have chance to get this feeling again. I believe, don't you? :)

Nobody knowsJust why we're hereCould it be fateOr random circumstanceAt the right placeAt the right timeTwo roads intertwine
And if the universe conspiredTo meld our livesTo make usFuel and fireThen knowWhere ever you will beSo too shall I be
Close your eyesDry your tears'Coz when nothing seems clearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWeary heartYou'll be safe here
Remember how we laughedUntil we criedAt the most stupid thingsLike we were so highBut love was all that we were onWe belong
And though the world wouldNever understandThis unlikely unionAnd why it still standsSomeday we will be set free.Pray and believe
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe hereWhen nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
Save your eyesFrom your tearsWhen everything's unclearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWounded heart
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe here
When nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
In my armsThrough the long cold nightSleep tightYou'll be safe here
When no one understandsi'll believeyou'll be safe,you'll be safeyou'll be safe herePut your heart in my handsYou'll be safe here
Rivermaya

Entah

Sebuah memori yang alpa kulupa. Enggan kuingat.  Semua tempat, momen dan cerita yang pernah terlalui bagaikan sebuah gelombang magnetik yang memantul dan menggedor alam bawah sadar untuk kembali tenggelam.  Setiap luka tidak pernah hinggap, karena hati pun enggan dan tidak siap.  Karena telah ada separuh dari sesuatu yang telah jauh hilang dan tak akan mungkin dilukai lagi.

Waktu bersamamu adalah cukup.  Segalanya. Dan sudah lebih dari cukup.

Aku tidak pernah meminta kembali, tidak pula memohon untuk mengulang kembali.  Setiap lembar lembar baru yang kumula hanya awal baru, petualangan baru dan cerita baru.  Masih belum cukup, dan tidak akan pernah cukup untukku. 

Aku memang terlalu ambisius untuk lupa, kemudian lelah mengingat, kemudian membiarkannya tenggelam kala ku lebih jauh berjalan ke tempat yang tidak pernah kuduga.  Hidup dalam sebenar-benarnya hidup.  Tanpa takut kehilangan sesuatu karena hal itu telah hilang, jauh sebelum aku menemukan.

Hidup adalah rimba yang tidak mampu kau tebak apa yang akan datang selanjutnya.  Tapi pula bukan tanpa hukum dan pola pola berulang untuk diprediksi.  Ketika yang bisa kujawab hanya entah, untuk memuaskan batin dan raga mengarungi semuanya, mempelajari semuanya.  Untuk membunuh waktu, mencari arti yang bahkan aku belum tau benar apa yang kucari.

Tidak akan pernah kehilangan makna ketika segala yang ditawarkan adalah loncatan demi loncatan untuk menguatkan masa lalu.  Memaafkan kealpaan yang kubuat sendiri untuk menenangkan diri.  Memberi alasan hati untuk berpijak kemudian melesat pergi.  Aku meminta maaf dalam ketidaktahuan.  Aku meminta maaf karena lupa mengingatkan, bahwa aku akan pergi dan meninggalkanmu. Segera setelah waktunya cukup.

Aku tidak mudah melupakan, juga bukan orang yang mudah menerima.  Tapi aku selalu membuka kesempataan kedua, namun pula tak ragu menutupnya.  Berjalan dalam roda roda yang ku tak tahu kemana, seorang pengamat, seorang penonton. 

Entah apa yang merasuki pikiranku ketika beberapa memori tentangmu masih saja kusimpan di recycle bin.  Tidak akan pernah ku-recycle lagi.  Tidak pula kuhapus utuh.  Kau cukup.  Tidak lebih dan tidak kurang.

Kau masih belum bisa kulupakan, hanya tempat ku berlari ketika aku dalam kejenuhan, untuk kemudian mengingat ingat masa yang telah lewat, kemudian lari dari tempatku sekarang. Semuanya lebih dari cukup.

Saat ini cukup.

Turning Point

Life is a funny thing. When you convinve about one thing, then came out that you now nothing. You dont know about people, even sometimes you cant be so sure about yourself.   I ever be so sure about something, about the future, but it ended up i fail. Biggest fail and biggest regret in my life is when i be so sure about what will happen in the future.  In fact, we can predict future but there is no predictable future.  Many things happen for now, and being single, i mean with no relationship like this, no really close friend.  I think i have some space to know my self again without any intervene of others.  Just people who can support me and find my self more.  I think this is the right time, without anythings hold me, or give some advice and give me pressure to do anything.  I even can left my handphone and have no worry.  I'm free to choose where i want to be, be free to decide to taste some new food or beverage, to break the law or to doubt my own faith.

Turning point, to find who i am.  Because when you lose something, the next is your turn to find again.

At Your Hometown

At your hometown.  I sit around, wondering how is your life here, how you grow up, with who you spend your afternoon time, wondering what are you thinking when you look at this street.  

I still remember how you smile, how awkward your act when you stand beside me.  How you dizzy and look so anxious when you tell me your feeling. I still remember.

The first time we met at the mosque. Our silly chat and our boring talk, even our silly and rough debate.  The memory cant leave me alone even i try to escape.

So, here i am.  At your hometown, i try to face the truth, face to face.  To gather my fear facing your memory and the thought about you.  

The awkward moment when i smell your perfume, cheap perfume but cling to my nose, even my feeling to getting closer to you.  I judge you as a fool, silly and shallow.  But i respect you as an individual.  I respect your heart to each other, i respect your  anger, i respect the world behind your eyes.  Even for now, i'm not the part of it. It is relief to be detached from you. Your silly rules, silly perspective and silly protectiveness.  But i miss you too. 

For now, i will live my life as i know it.  Like a free bird, have a choice to descend upon any branch.  To be free to choose.  Free from other, even free from my self.  Through all the feeling i will feel.  Through all the up and down.  Without expect too much, but do what i can do.  Do what i love to do.  Without any regret, with my mind open to filter and collect the great things world offer me.  

picture from tumblr.com

A (Little) Contribution

Recently just get busy because projects at Sungai Pangkalan Satu village.  I think because this village won  award of the Best Village's Model at Kalimantan Barat, award of Peduli Lingkungan Hutan, and award of Best Library in 2012 our team don't need extra efforts to rehab the administration or facilities.  We learn a lot here.  I think because the people is very dedicated, open minded and have a will to help, especially the village's head or we called it 'Pak Pong' a.k.a 'Kepala Kampong'.  He always monitoring the way of youth's life.  The culture of hang out or 'nongkrong nongkrong' are not complete if he is not around to talk a little or give a joke.  He also control the problem of many people here, like using drugs or alcohols.  So the people here are respect the Village's head and He is willing to help 24 hours and solve people's problem.  

I think this quality of leader are needed beside of the people's character who follow the leader too.  They need to respect, willing to help others, open minded and would do anything positive to make them place improved.  Our existence here would be end for 4 days, even i will take these days to take a trip to the island.  I will miss and remind this place.  Humble people, open minded, and have a will to help each other.

The city people, nowadays i think have this quality to.  Because we have same root-cultures.  The main problem is the 'city-people' is too busy and too lazy to socialite with their own environment.  Some of them would be have a big ambition to make anyhing effective, doing anything, like make a friendship, with a bigger purpose, like for their work, their career, or even for their future, to have some potential spouse.  So this purpose would eliminate the neighbours, and people they meet accidentaly.

So here, some documentation what i do, paint the monument of Sungai Pangkalan Satu, give a socialization with the dentist to brushing teeth for children, give a lesson of daily conversation for elementary children, and cleared the cement for little park and pond we made.  Fun !

Four weeks i spent here was great.  Dont think to do it again but beside of 'insect bite' that makes my skin is flaw and the lack of water i think this volunteering are the greatest experience ever.  Because not like the volunteering before this time we have our own projects, our own money and not bound to office's time.  So we could choose our time to socialization, doing project and synchronize our project with the village's plan.

New Perspective at New Horizon

For a month, since 3 March 2013 until 2 April 2013. I stay at Sungai Pangkalan Satu Village, Bengkayang Regency, Kalimantan Barat Province.  I will do some programs which designed by my team for a little of dedication to village.  We have programs that have a target to improve the administrations, socials, infrastructures and spirituals at the village.  Even Sungai Pangkalan Satu's village already won the best village at the regional  competition but i hope our contribution there would make some inspiration for the people to keep going better.  

I really like the village's life.  Simple and calm. The people are amazing, they are really open, especially the village's chief.  He could give us opportunity to blend with all the people in there. At first i dont have any idea what to do.  But with all the idea that continue and the spirit to work and give something to this village.  I hope finally we can make some proper programs that can help local people. 

Sometimes i wonder if i can buy a house at a village, then take a few months to take vacation and live simply there.  Just to enjoy the circumstances there, to clear my head.  Especially a nice house at the shoreside. :)

The Office

 Our 'Home'

 Us

 The Locals

Human Autopilot

source

My dad ever tell me to do this method, to meditate your thoughts, to let you out of yourself.  To make the energy outside you taking control of you.  To feel the wave of unknown energy in the air, to let go.

Recently i just easily getting stress about the pressure of my college and others. I feel depressed, anxious, hopeless and this 'suiciding' thought ever cross my mind.  Maybe i'm only human. Full of flaw and weakness. Closely to give up because i think i cant get any solution and my mind, my feeling just ruined.

Then i think and think again until i bored, until i bored to being this jerk that afraid to life. Do i afraid to life?

Sometimes i think life is just a waste, love is a waste, and fate is kinda dark joke thats not funny at all.

I try and try to find another way, to let this soul in peace. Then i just remember what my dad ever told me.

To be autopilot on yourself.  He said that each of us have this unknown soul that always keep us save, maybe close to guardian's term.  

When you feel really tired and you think you cant take that anymore, just let your 'guardian' taking control of you.  Close your eyes, breath slowly, focus to 'dzikir' then let your body moves wherever you feel, you can control and you know where you'r gonna move, but you let your guardian taking control of you.  I really believe this method, i believe there is so many things that i still dont know in this world and one of them is there is some potential energy of us we still not have access to use. This unseen energy, unseen power that hiding on us.  Because ourself is magic. Our body is move with magical power that we still can't fully understand.

I believe this is another alternative to meditate, to let your brain at this 'relax' zone then makes your brain in its optimal work. I dont know for you, but for me, its really help me being more positive and relax.

Who am i meant to be? (a quiz from oprah.com)

Emptiness

As the shadow sneak out from the light day.  The windsmill rotate while winds whistle about something secret and the dark side of earth comouflage all the fake lies.  Where i am? Stand on earth i dont recognize anymore.  Here all the time then be a stranger to all the people i know, be a stranger to my self.

Just losing all the logic, all the rational eyeglass i ever use to see the world. A broken glass, a vertigo feels to lose all. My balance, my feeling, my rationality.  Then emptiness just waiting to caught me in the middle of the night, when i'm alone, have no one to stand.  Have no one who really understand.

The blank gap between conscious and unconscious. Then all i do just waiting there, waiting day by day come without bring anything i expect, then be saturated.  Do ardor without knowing anything else. Losing control.  Losing my faith.

Then if i only i have one wish. I wish i just can going through this. Alive and Better.

Deepest Regret

Sometimes in the middle of the night, or when i'm alone, sitting and wondering.  There is something that comes to my mind and haunt me, annoy and distract my feeling.  Its full me up then i feel sad about it.  Regret.

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours.  Regret is often expressed by the term 'sorry'.  Often feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depressiom, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner an later wishes not to have done so (said wiki).

Maybe wiki could choose words to decribe about what i feel even i can't decribe a right words to express it enough.  That something in your past haunt you, left a big hole in your heart that you know no one can fill it again, even you try over and over again.  That no one can replace and erase your memory about the beautiful things, at once the regretful things that even it just comes to you as a flash you will feel a pain, dissapoint, angry, etc that makes your feeling is not good.  Something that unfinished yet but you can't make an action to finish it, something that you can't handle then over and over again humming in your hearts, ears then your eyes. Something that comes to you asking for something you can't aswer.  Something haunt you but you can do anything to fix because its already over.  Something that you must let go but it'll come back again, then you realize you can't.  Or you won't let it go.

Something that you want forget, you want to let go but you end up missing it again and again because you know it is the last thing left that you can stay with.  Something that makes you feel best but also hurt you with the biggest pain, something that you never feel before.  Something that makes you change and be better better person and learn from what ever happened.  Something, that used to be someone.  Who fill you.  Someone that you regret to know, but also thankful to know.  Someone that you want to forget but you can't.  Someone who give you biggest lesson that hardly to get over it.  Someone who is stranger to you now.  Can I?

The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either. 

Mick Jagger