Review on 2012

Baiklah, sudah tanggal 31 Desember 2012. HARI TERAKHIR di 2012. Oke, terus?... Setidaknya saya sudah sangat lega.  Tahun ini bisa saya lewati dengan selamat *sigh*. Sempat terpikir saya tidak akan selamat, mati karena patah hati, misalnya. HAHAHA. Tapi ternyata enggak (atau belum?). Yah, setidaknya saya sudah bisa sampai pada tahap ini, pada level ini.  Pada stage hidup yang bagian ini.

Resolusi tahun lalu saya ada beberapa yang bisa diceklis. Ada beberapa yang masih belum bisa, sedang dalam proses maupun diubah sana sini tapi saya puas, tahun ini, prioritas saya adalah melewatinya dengan waras, dengan tenang dalam perubahan yang tidak saya rencanakan.

Beberapa resolusi tampaknya masih kabur, belum terlaksana namun sudah pada rel nya untuk diwujudkan, semoga saya masih konsisten, beberapa diantaranya adalah menyelesaikan skripsi saya pada gelombang pertama, dan masih banyak hal lainnya.  Saya bukan orang yang mampu disiplin pada jadwal secara terus menerus, tapi setidaknya resolusi membuat saya tetap tahu apa yang saya inginkan tanpa di tengah jalan bingung dengan tujuan hidup saya sebenarnya.  Karena saya merasa saya sering sekali kehilangan arah, hanya menjalani hidup jangka pendek, sekedar bangun pagi dan mengikuti kegiatan full-booked di kampus tanpa ada passion, tanpa ada semangat, tanpa ada tujuan semenjak saya kehilangan salah satu resolusi saya.  Untungnya, saya membuat tidak hanya satu resolusi, dan resolusi resolusi itulah yang membuat saya bertahan dan merasa sesuatu itu lebih 'makes sense'.

Tahun 2012 ini saya tidak terlalu ambisius seperti tahun tahun sebelumnya, mungkin saya belajar dari pengalaman bahwa semuanya mungkin tidak akan berjalan sesuai rencana dan bisa sangat berubah dari apa yang telah saya perkirakan. Kemudian saya juga baru pertama kali merasakan kehilangan yang sangat #jleb bagi saya, yaitu pacar dan anjing kesayangan saya.  HAHA. Baiklah, setidaknya saya masih punya harapan karena tahun ini sudah bisa saya lalui, meski saya kehilangan beberapa semangat yang sangat tidak mencerminkan diri saya sendiri. Saya berjanji kepada diri saya sendiri tahun 2013 ini akan berbeda.  Saya  akan membuka kesempatan, dan semampu saya mencoba lagi yang terbaik.  Tahun ini saya akan lebih kuat, lebih baik karena saya berharap, what doesn't kill me will makes me stronger.  Semoga.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. -Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Walking Away

  

Recently i visit Kuching for around 3 days.  By riding Bintang Jaya's bus for depart and Damri's buss for return.  After 10 hours sit at the bus finally i arrived.  The city is so clean, the public facilities is good.  I think i could enjoy my self there.  The neat country with concious people to following rules.  I dont even spend much time to walk away, just sitting around the cafe and staring, thinking about my self. What i have done in this year, and what lesson i learn.

This is the rough years for me after all.  I had my first fall.  I feel extra for everything.  I feel something more that i never feel before.  I learn and learn.  But i hope i still not missing my hope.  To being better.  To be grateful for what i have now.  This is not about other person.  It is about my decision to taking control of my self, taking control of many things i can't control and try to let it go because life is go on, and i should move on.

There is many more in future, many dreams i can believe rather than stuck with something i cant control.  Its nice to remember all the memories, but what in past, stay in past.  All i have is this present.  And i can do is do my best.  

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld, #32)

Mother. For me.

This is mother’s day.

Okay.  Because now I’m in a holiday and I have time to write this blog.  And today is a mother’s day so I will share some thoughts about my mothers today.

For me, my memories about mother is … hmm… I cant describe it in one word.  I think it’s quite complicated. LOL.

My relationship with my mother is not like the other *sigh*. Its not means we are not love each other.  I know and I really feel her love, and I love her too, I don’t want to see her hurt.  But we don’t really show our love with exact expression, nor a words, nor a hugs.  

When I was young.  My mother always teach me hard, with diciplines and more yells.  And in my memories I always oppositing her when I was child.  We don’t show much affection.

Now at my 21 ages, we are not talk so much like other mother-daughter.  I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t beef about my days.  But we do talk in different ways. We talk to share, we talk to have solution, we talk to give motivation to each other.  I will never show my weakness to her and so do her.  We always talk to each other like we have not a problem.  And from that, we become stronger.

Our relationship is tough, she never spoil me, but she never refuse me.  She always listen, even I must have many reason to make her sure about me.  I must try harder to impress her.  She never hugs me, but she always supply what I need.  She never kiss me in forehead but she always prepare and support my dreams.  She never cry with me but she always try to find solution with me.  And I can’t asking more.

In this mother days, we are not even talking about it because we are not mellow people (?) and it will be funny if we talk about it. LOL. Our family’s atmosphere is more like ‘what we do to make it have sense than celebrate the nonsense, how we really make means to each other than show our affections.

So in this mothers day, I will take a trip with her and my little sister.  I hope at this trip we are not arguing to much because we always push each other *sigh*.

I may try, sometimes, but we are different.  We have different things yet we thinks differently but it doesn’t means we hurt each other.  Because all we want is the best for each other. 

Mom, maybe i cant say this right to you but i'm sorry if i always dissapointed you.  I'm sorry if we are arguing.  I'm sorry if we'll be hard to each other.  I'm sorry.  Because sometimes i am not like what you want.  And i can't accede all you want me to.  I'm sorry to not do what you tell me to do.  I'm sorry to not do what you want.  I'm sorry to not be with your side even you are always in my side. i'm really sorry.

We never give gift to each other suprisingly, if I want, then I ask, or they’ll ask what I need. So one day I ever give present to my dad and he said, why you give us something from our money then laughing, he said he don’t want a gift just want me to be the better child *sigh*.  So I think in this mother’s day I will give her my love that I show in my effort to be better person, to be success like what she wants.  I hope i will be her successful wish.

happy mother's day !

" Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice DEEP LOOKING directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. 

If you cannot understand, you cannot love."

 -Buddha

i cant say

there is something in the air
stopping my breath
when i try to find a light
but i see an empty room in you

when i ask a way
but you offer nothing

losing every inch of you
is the biggest leap
turn around over and over again

say something i cant whisper
to your listening ears
your warm hugs
your bright lips

see the unspeakable words from my eyes
then i would tell you something i cant say

i miss you.
i always be.

Who Watch The Watcher

So recently this hierarchy system may build so good foundation, so reasonable and strong structure.  But what if this system corrupted by incapability person that makes very immoral act.  The harshness that violate people's right.  The unfounded reason that build up to destroy the pure purpose then substituting the act just to feed their ego.  At 'this system' the domination and the power that had by 'the watcher' just violate person's right by broke people's property with the reason to educate.   

Educate? What is the purpose to educate? What is the basic standard of morality, of behaviour? If mostly people judging something, is it really right? What if their conclusion and judgement is basically wrong? who's the protector of the weak and minor people? 

Education basicly from wiki is the general sense of form of learning in which knowledge, skills and habits of a group of people are transferred from one generation to the next through teaching, training, research or simply through autodidactism.  When it comes to experience then we can stand by just one situation, isn't it? So what if this educational purpose go off the track because of the pesonality is have a psychological's problem? 

I dont know, maybe in this (un)fair world, there is so many unfair things too.  Afterall, everything will comes back to ourself, which way we choose to respond? How we can make it fair with the version of ourself? How far and what consequence we can through to make the justice?

From my perspective, some problems and unjustice will neglect if we don't know the better solution or the smart way to protect ourself or we dont have authority to change.  But people will remember, violate will make scars to people's heart and they can take their own conclusion how to react.  To make the lesson learned and stay away from problem's we can't control then just focus to our bigger purpose.  To make a better change.  Can we?

Pull the string, and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will go nowhere at all.

-Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Political Will

Aristotle said, human is zoon politicon. It comes from the idea that when we grow, instinctly grow our individualist characters, the passion to feed our ego.  Sometimes it can comes immoral, or egoistic based by principles we had.  Our interest, could be very ambitious or low, based by our individual character.  Finally it could end up to the power issues.  How we have power to feed our needs, by the resources.  The resources in this world is limited, so we compete each other to have an access to that.  John Locke said it is valid to do everything needs to get what we want, lay aside everything that may people see not right.

Ambitious goal, i think is the most motivational trigger for us to reach our limit, to maximize our potential.  But also, can't deny the morality things.  The basic principles of morality that also synchronize with our pure heart, it is the kindness, equality, equity, liberty, goodness value that could we apply to our daily principles.  So what we do are not conflicted with ourself.  Doing something good, is also give us a composure because we do something right, or we'r on the right path that can't harm another.  In this complicated human's behaviour we can't stand by ourselves.  We live in a social environment that also needs our empathy, careness, friendship, connection to make us feel more alive.  To not only feed our ego but also feed our basic need to give, share, love and have a social life.  So finally it will come to us again, what would we do to complete our needs? What path would we choose?

In politics, there are many issues that may ruin our perception about whats going on.  The greedy politican, the cheater one could make people losing trust.  People start to feel betrayed because of so many cases that we read on newspaper, watch in television and see with our own eyes that something is going wrong in this system.  The corruption, collution and nepotism is the ugly disease start make our system collapse.  People start whisper the badness of politics then the chaos start when this country lead by someone who people can't trust.  Government will lose their legitimate and their authority to make the rule when people start to ignore and revolt.  I hope this phenomenon will not happen, because i still optimist with the potential of the youth people.  The new idea has come based by people's loathe of the foul system, the new methods of leadership, the new reformation's of bureacration has developed to bring changes.  One of the interesting methods of leadership i admire for now is Jokowi-Ahok because the spirit and the right idea to come lower, going down to collect the voice of minority people.  Then, they are comes from independent's lane, even could bring some intern issues, but also they can think out of box to not really affect by many interest and responsibility to sets their political party's will.  

Then sometimes i wonder, can i make any difference in this system?  How could i participate and involve to not just curse the darkness but also have a capability and chance to light a candle ? So when i asked to myself i had a question comes back to me, what i will do to make it? how far i will make an effort to make it happen?  So with this path and what i do now, this only possible direction for me to reach my own satisfaction is to doing this right.  I hope.

“A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.” 
― Barack Obama