Well Said

Mencintaimu cukup seperempat saja;seperempatnya lagi patah hatiku; seperduanya lagi kemenduaanmu.

@oktriastra

Experience of experiment

Sometimes life divide at two sides, like a coin.  The coin have a side, that you can call pro and other side called cons.  Its undeniable.  So now, i'm overthink.  I just try so many random and pressure thing and that things just got into my mind.  I'll try to relax more.

All i know, whatever it is, i'll try my best.  Even sometimes i dont show my best too because somehow its just not what i want to do.  Then this is one function of my blog, to be the place to make all the busy thoughts on my head right now be a little bit quiet.  I just worry, worry about one thing and another, and let people's thought get into my head.  I regret things much too.  About what i said, what i've done.  Just so many thoughts right now.  I think i should sleep, my body feels tired but my brain still work and worry things, so i will try to do something rather than just lay in my bed.

Somehow you dont get what you want, but you allow to do all you have, maintain your resource if its all you can get.  The opportunity that you have, the only opportunity must you take to open another step, next challenge, every first time experience is a benefit to other experience.  You must realize and be here, at the present, full conscious to know that you dont 'just' do it.  You make it happen.  One thing will lead to another, watch your step and make it right at the first move you can get.  The first move is reflect your awakeness to going forward, to make something that makes you leave what you have behind.  Try to keep your negative' that will turn you into something you don't, jealousy, anger, hatred just dont fit if you can let your brain works at the positive' side.  You must full awaken to change your trigger to the other brightside.  Life is full of battle that you can't win if you dont realize who do you want to be, what do you want to do and where do you want to end for.

It is easy to find perspective, but it is hard to feel it, to think about it and keep it as our perspective.  Otherwise the things that you can write is not as easy as you can do. Perspective is one thing, doing is another thing.  I hope, what i do now is on the right tracks, open new chances, develop my self and makes me a better person, but at least, i will take it as an experience.

Happy Birthday One Of My Favourite Girl!

H-11

As i count down my time to left the campus, there is some memories that can't be forgotten.  One of them is my time with one of my fav girl, Melya.  She is one of best friend i ever had, especially, we going through some similar 'events' of romance.  :)) There is so many experience, so many lesson that will be left at the dormitory, four years is not a short-period that i've been through.  So many happiness, so many tears...

I should have a big big heart to accept all of the moment with whole package, tears and smiles, love and hate, everything.  But after all, i am very happy to going through it with some amazing friends that always support me, calm me down, show me some 'brightside'.

Writing this somehow is kinda hard cause makes me remind about what i ever go through.  Mostly i remember the pain, i remember the tears and sadness that comes over and over again, i remember how i can see my self then so pathetic and desperate.  The lowest point in my life.

And then i will feel grateful because finally i can go forward, i can go on.  I can stand up again after the fall.  Someone to accompany me at that moment is very precious, because i dont know if i ever through that situation again alone, the situation could be worse.  But thats life, and somehow now i accept it.  

Okay, done with my self, i just wishing you a very happy birthday, my beloved friend, thanks for the moment we share together, for ears that listening my story, for existence that accompany my sadness and for the joyful at my happiness.

I always wish you have the best in life!

happy birthday again, Melya Astriani

xoxo

are we remembering or forgetting?

H-12

Time flies fast, will go on, left everyone behind.  Time cant go back and cant repeat.  So what is time? Is it our standard, to measure second, minute, hour, day, but for real, what is time? Is that our memory, that measure the moment we going through, is time measure by our ability to remember things that happened in past?  So whats happen at your past that would make you to going back? Is it worth your past?

Whats the part of your past that worth enough to going back to your past?

Are you sure your present is not precious, or precious thing is just something that happened in past?

For sure, i dont know.  Sometimes memory is sweet enough to makes me close my eyes and remembering old things that even i find it hard to remember but i will always love to going back, just to feel the pain.  The experience that i would never regret, the amazing things, the painful fights or the suffering and loneliness.  

This is the last part of my college year, twelve days before the graduation that will make me leave everything behind.  I wish.  Sometimes i find it hard to let go, i always hard to let go something that not belong to me anymore.

But i know, i have to move on.

Sometimes when i'm afraid of my present, i find it easy just to going back to my past, remembering beautiful things, just want to forget, that i ever had a really good time.

For now, i still grievin, i think for the rest in my life.  There would be something to regret, and something to remind me of past.  I will never change it, i will never forget it, i just going through it, day by day while i figure out what to do, figure out whats the best for me and doing anything i could get.

Time goes on, life goes too.  

Could you make me remembering you?

A Very Happy Birthday

I think i'm an introvert person, i'm easy to be bored and annoyed with people and i enjoy my self so much.  Sometimes i dont like to be with other people, i dont have so many friends too.  Thats a rare i have a friend that last long, because i dont hang out much.  Especially when hang-out with girl-friends, sometimes i just dont have a same topic (like make up, boys over and over again*i like this topic, but not that much*).  Mostly my close friend (thats usually hang out with me) is boys.  They are less care, less drama, less 'rempong' and less sensitive. If make friends with boys, i think they will be okay if i'm quite ignore them, i dont really like to involve with all part of their life, just hang-out and do some 'fun-thing' or 'killing-time'.  So there is just a very few girls that hang out with me and i can claim it as 'my friends'.  One of them is Mega Adelika, one of my high school mate until i'm in college.  We share same 'petak' at last year in college and share some issues.  We involve at some 'detective' case (LOL), we share some curiousity about things that happened but dont want to bother others.  We share some story together, especially recently, i always share story about my latest crush and i dont bother to tell her. :))

I hope the best for you, dear friends, hope you get everything you want and you need!

Puisi

Ke-duapuluhdua

Pada api, kukatakan dalam rintik yang bagaimanapun juga memadamkan

Dalam air mata yang mengalir ini kupanjatkan doa doa yang lama belum kau kabulkan

Sembah sujud yang tidak pernah menyempurnakan segala

Hanya sesal tiada melakukan segala rupa

Maaf saja tidak pernah terkira akan terpanjat

Kepada ayah yang di tangannya mengalir dosaku tiada rupa

Kepada ibu yang di jarinya meneteskan dosaku sesamudera

Hanya doa dan sujud, kubisikkan diam diam

Dalam malam ketika bumi telah sunyi senyap

Dan cemas merembes ke sela sela hati

Tidak akan pernah cukup, tidak akan pernah sempurna

Beribu untaian maaf, dari hati

Semoga kebaikan tidak akan pernah berhenti mengaliri

Di Rumah itu

Dalam dinding batu kosong itu

Kutuliskan doa dengan air mata mengalir di atasnya

Kertas yang kosong dan layar segi empat dengan huruf angka

Kupanjatkan kesah dan keluh yang tiada henti

Jangankan mulut yang mampu berteriak tanpa arti

Katapun mampu mengalir tiada makna

Kuuraikan sebagai penghias dan pengisi kekosongan

Dalam rumah yang kosong itu

Kualiri dosa dosa, kupanjatkan doa doa

Semoga semua penghuni di dalamnya

Terbebas dari tempat yang tidak pernah kau tahu

Di rumah itu, hidup harus tetap melaju

Meski karam, dan tiada datang keselamatan

Pontianak, Senin 14 Oktober 2013

PlaylistWeek

Sometimes i hate silent, then i turn my mp3 player and start to listen some song.  There is many effect that can be made when you hear a song.  Mostly, song that i love to hear over and over again is a song that have a memory when i listen to them.  Accidently listen when i'm at a cafe with my boyfriend, or the song that my bf likes and give to me.

In the middle of the night, when mostly i can't sleep early i just turn off the light then start to listening this song.  Mostly accoustic and not to loud, then of course the main point of why i listen to music: the lyrics, add the ballad melody and its fits. This song is memorable to me, i have some special moment spend with it or the lyric just get into my head.

This is the 5 song at my playlist that i listen over and over again this week with a theme: Wondering Goodbye.  Songs that when you listen to it you just feel low because a sharp lyric that can describe what you feel when you get a heart break.  Song that can touch your heart when you close your eyes and you just listen.

Theme : Wondering Goodbye

#1. Gotten (Slash feat Adam Levine)

So nice to see your face again
Tell me how long has it been
Since you've been here
(since you've been here)
You look so different than before
But still the person I adore
Frozen with fear
I'm out of love but I'll take it from the past
I'll let out words cause I'm sure It'll never last

And I've been saving
These last words for one last miracle
But now I'm not sure
I can't save you if
You don't let me
You just get me like I never
Been gotten before

Maybe it's the bitter wind
A chill from the Pacific rim
That brought you this way
(that brought you my way)
Do not make me think of him
The way he touch your fragile skin
That hunts me everyday
I'm out of love but I can't forget the past
I'm out of words but I'm sure it'll never last

And I've been saving
These last words for one last miracle
But now I'm not sure
I can't save you if
You don't let me
You just get me like I never
Been gotten before
Like I never been gotten before

So nice to see you face again
But tell me will this ever end?
Don't disappear

And I've been saving
These last words for one last miracle
But now I'm not sure
I can't save you if
You don't let me
You just get me like I never
Been gotten before
Like I never been gotten before

#2 Let Her Go (Passenger)

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

#3 Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)

So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall

It'd fall upon us all

And between the sand and stone

Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out

The way to make it back someday

To watch you, to guide you

Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall

It'd fall upon us all

Well I hope there's someone out there

Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart

Run away with my hope

Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how

My life and love might still go on

In your heart, in your mind

I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time

I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine

I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go

#4 Just A Feeling (Maroon 5)

I watched you cry

Bathed in sunlight

By the bathroom door

You said you wished you did not love me anymore

You left your flowers in the backseat of my car

The things we said and did have left permanent scars

Obsessed depressed at the same time

I can't even walk in a straight line

I've been lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

No sunshine

She cries

This is more than goodbye

When I look into your eyes

You're not even there

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have, oh yeah

Cause I can't believe that it's over

You've hit your low

You've lost control and you want me back

You may not believe me but I gave you all I had

Undress confess that you're still mine

Roll around in a bed full of tears

I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

No sunshine

She cries

This is more than goodbye

When I look into your eyes

You're not even there

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

No I can't believe that it's over now

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

So much to say

It's not the way she does her hair

It's the way she seems to stare right through my eyes

And in my darkest day when she refused to run away

From love she tried so hard to save

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

Just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

I can't believe that it's over

I can't believe that it's over

Now I can't believe that's it's over, yeah

#5 Hung over (Kesha)

And now the sun is rising 
Another long walk back home (back home) 
There's just so many faces, 
But no one I need to know (need to know) 

In the dark I can't fight it, I fight til I'm numb 
But in the bright light, 
I taste you on my tongue 

Now the party's over 
And everybody's gone 
I'm left do with myself and I wonder what went wrong 
And now my heart is broken 
Like the bottles on the floor 
Does it really matter? 
Or am I just hung over? (you) 
Ah ah ah, ah ah ah 
Or am I just hungover? 

Even my dirty laundry 
Everything just smells like you (like you) 
And now my head is throbbing 
Every song is out of tune 
(Just like you) 

In the dark I can fight it til it disapears 
But in the daylight 
I taste you in my tears 

Now the party's over, 
And everybody's gone 
I'm left do with myself and I wonder what went wrong 
And now my heart is broken 
Like the bottles on the floor 
Does it really matter? 
Or am I just hung over? 

(You), Now I've got myself looking like a mess 
Standing alone 
Hear at the end try to pretend, but I know (but I know), 
I put up my fight 
But this is it this time (this time) 
Cus I'm here at the end, try to pretend 
Here at the end, try to pretend 
Oh, ohhh 

Now the party's over, 
And everybody's gone 
I'm left do with myself and I wonder what went wrong 
And now my heart is broken 
Like the bottles on the floor 
Does it really matter? 
Or am I just hung over (you)? 

Ah ah ah, ah ah ah 
Or am I just hungover?

#playlistweek

Thankyou very much

*suprise from @egadelika & @melyaastriani at 12 pm

Life is weird. When you think all the bad things would go worse then its going fine, and when you think all be fine things start to mess up.  Today, i think is the 'fine'-part that God show me, i still have friends that willing to have some 'bussiness' to surprising me. Thankyou very much! Even i know that i am not the kind of 'best-friend' too to them, but i always feel so grateful to know them.  Kinda relief me that i know they still have enough care and forgive me for all mistaken i ever made. Life is weird, and i can't stop surprised.

Thankyou very much.

I hope nothing but the best for you too, Mega & Melya.

Rebirth

Actually there is nothing special from this day, just a symbol that you are getting older. Most people are celebrating. They celebrate with people who care enough, people who sincere enough to being busy to make another people happy. Thats the point of being a human, to have someone that willing to make you happy, to please you, to care enough about you.  Someone that gladly you call a friend indeed, family, BFF or even a soulmate.  

At this point i just feel so ... half-empty and half-full. Half full because i know that there is something going on in my life and half empty because i dont know whats going on because all of the 'fullness' just feel empty.  At this point i just feel lost, feel miserable.  In this age, i still can't reach anything.  Call me ungrateful but for now its just feel like a waste.  A place i dont want to, a life i still dont want to, a search i can't find to and someone i dont want to be with.

Life is not about anything you want.

Then this song, if i die young just cross my head.  What if one shocked day i just be dead, life would not losing, life dont care, people will be pretend to be sad but they just dont give a f*ck.  People in this world just think about themselves, just like me.  The angry state comes when people just think about themselves and pretend to care with other people's problem, they think they understand but they dont, they think they care but they dont, they do it just to relief themself so they can feel satisfy about what they do to others, they satisfy because they think they help others, even they actually dont give a f*ck, no one give a f*ck, just like me.

I think this post is just another negative though about me, written in the middle of the night that i feel so miserable.  Feel free to enjoy the pain, its life, anw.

(not so) happy 22th birthday.

Someone I Choose

For every smells of tobacco i able to sense, i choose the smells from your clothes.
For every book i read, i choose a book that reminds me of you.
For every wake up i imagined i would be happy, i choose wake up beside of you.

For every reason that would be made to loving someone, i choose because of you.
For every persistence, patient that able to waiting me even at my worst part, i choose you.
For every tears that able to run down my face, i choose yours.

For every hug that able to reduce my pain, i choose you.
For every kiss that able to kiss my lips, i choose yours.
For every action that able to calm my anger, i choose you.

For every heart that able to love me, i choose you.

For everything, it will be you.
It may you.

Movies Week

GRAVITY 3D

 *movieposter

Main Cast : Sandra Bullock as dr. Ryan Stone | George Clooney as Matt Kowalski |

Directed by : Alfonsi Cuaron

Written by: Alfonso Cuaron

Distributed by : Warner Bros Picture

Running Time : 90 Minutes

Wed, 21.15 Cinema 2 XXI Ayani Pontianak

*warning: contain spoiler*

As a science fiction thriller movie, especially with 3D effect, Gravity succeed make me feel a little bit jetlagged because the cinematic effect and the setting that make us as an actor that swing around at space.  Beside of the dizzy effect, i think this movie is played well with Bullock and Clooney, even the rumor Angelina Jolie and Robert Downey Junior almost play this movie, it will be a totally different if they act on this.  Bullock is succeed capture the image of an amateur of space (as a biomedical engineer) that was very fragile, confuse of space's concept, and Clooney succeed to capture the image of calm and trained astronout that will break your heart. 

This movie also show the moral with a dramatic life of dr Ryan Stone that through a loneliness, dissapointment and sorrow because a loss of her daughter with 'silly' accident, and how she finally awake from the boring and sorrow life to feel more motivated to move on and try hard to save herself, even there is no end, like life there would be always another problem to solve and another thing to reach.  Your eyes would be please too with a view from out-space, a quiet, strange and unique view that you can see through the astronout's eyes.

Rating: Three from Five (3/5)

+2 for the moral story, +1 for the outer space view, -1 for dizziness and -1 for the crash(cool but makes me kinda worried).

Books Week

Tittle : What I Talked About When I Talk About Running : A Memoir

Author/Writer : Haruki Murakami

Original Publisher : Japan, Bungeishunju, LTD, Tokyo in 2007

Publisher : Borzoi Book, by Alfred A.Knoff Translation @2008

Pages : 132

Finished at : October 9th 2013

ebook Version

Resume (A Very Personal Opinion)

This is a book that will show you a simple, soft and inspire things that may motivate you to do something in your life persistently, to love what you do with all the detail of happiness such as the atmosphere, or the stranger you met.  And for Haruki Murakami, it is running.  Its not just a hobby, but also a reflection, or if i can makes a methapor, like a religion, the basic idea, basic principles you can adopt to make your life balance and not lose the path you can follow.  Because sometimes, like he said in this book, people may have million reason not to do it (for this case, running) but he know one reason why he do it and he'll keep it everyday, commit to the reason and continously stick to that.

I think this book is taught me how to be persistent and commit to one thing and make the motivation keep alive when you do something you passionate about.  Its a memoir of Haruki Murakami, i think its make me keep adore him so much, the last book i read from him is Norwegian Wood, i can see the worry in his word, loneliness that reflect at the story. He dig his feeling so deep and feel relief because he finally can set the words free. It is the interest part of being a writer too, to set the words free and speak, even sometimes its a trash.

Write in this blog is some kind of it too, write makes me more calm down and feel relief because sometimes in my head and heart sometimes there is something that asking to come out.  Something asking me to spill it out, speak it out or write it down.  Its relaxing and kinda therapy for my self (plus using my time in the middle of the night when i still cant sleep and dont know what to do).  Of course reading this book is very inspiring, natural and dont have a 'hard conflict'.  This book makes me not see the problem in front of me, but see more inside of me.

Rating: 5 from 5 (5/5) *very recommended
"Because its simple, its deep and the words is kinda poetic (really my type)."

Next book : The Pillars Of The Earth - Ken Follet (1130 pages)

Deadlock

Some surprising (i know this thing will come, but, still) advise from my dad is come, to be out of job.  He says that may i just being jobless for a year than after that i could propose and try any opportunity that i can take.  Of course its a shock for me, but he says that it would be nice if i had a deadlock, or doing nothing for a year until i get into a job. I know this is his 'philosopy' mind again telling me and i thinks its quite right (if finally i get a job and then just can have a holiday a few months in a year).  I will take that, if my month's expense could handle, but in this economic depression (my dad still waiting his transfer, and my mom, um, like that) i think its not a choice. Of course i have some dream to catch and passion to work than just be a lazy person doing this 'internet-thingy' and watching so many serials and movies, then drawn in my own feelings.  I need to be busy, i need to be needed, to explore who am i, what i will do in the next day or have something to catch.  If i can choose where i want know, i choose to die trying than die boring. Of course. I hope i can enjoy my self then be an independent woman, free soul that can go wherever i want. This early deadlock makes me realize one thing: i dont want to end up nothing. I want to come up with something.  This deadlock must find another way!

Confusing State

If you ever be in the situation that awkward, something that you dont want to be there, but you still.  Because you just can't escape, because you dont have another better option.  Deal with the available option or just say no and be alone.  Sometimes you just dont know. The gut just tell you, you want to be nowhere, or you may still can't deal with your past. I never be so sure. 

Life just contain so many complicate thing you never be so sure about whats happen or whats happen next. I want to try something new, but i just stuck with the available option over and over again. The option that i cant choose.  Its felt so miserable. I think i just messed up, end with want something abstract, something miracle, something 'life-changing'. But its life really like that? its life full of miracle and fantasy? Of course no. But deep inside me, i know that i want that miracle, i want to create one. I dont know if i will success or just keep my hope wide open and then crush it away. And then i watch this serial, beauty and the beast, that say something like, life is full of risk, and maybe sometimes, all the risk is worth to get what you really desire of. Maybe you must give a try. Give a try over and over again, because if its really worth, the universe just conspire and everything will be fit. Maybe.

Jika

Jika saja aku tahu, malam itu adalah malam terakhirku melihatmu, maka tidak akan ada lagi cerita yang keluar dari mulutku tentang hari yang berat, cuaca yang buruk dan keluh tentang ketidakberadaanmu.  Jika saja aku tahu lebih cepat, semua ini akan berakhir, secepat aku memejamkan mata dan terbangun dengan cintamu yang telah hilang. Mungkin aku akan belajar memahamimu lebih lama lagi, lebih tabah lagi.  Jika saja aku tahu dari awal, cintamu yang akan hilang begitu saja, maka mungkin aku tidak akan belajar mencintaimu sama sekali.  Aku akan lebih menikmati waktu bersamamu, setiap menit, setiap detik.

Jika saja aku punya kesempatan kedua, untuk mengenalmu lagi.  Memutar waktu untuk kembali saat pertama kita berjumpa, memutar langkah untuk menjaga agar mungkin kau akan bertahan lebih lama.  Mungkin hal yang aku lakukan akan berbeda, dan kau tidak akan pergi begitu saja.

Tapi mungkin jika ada jika, hidup tidak akan pernah beranjak maju,

dan aku tidak akan pernah bertemu denganmu.

cinta yang seperti itu

akan datang ketika pagi akan cerah

dan mendung hanya kiasan yang belum datang

gelap hanya sesuatu yang tidak dikenal

kalanya matahari begitu cerah

udara begitu lembut mengalunkan nada indah

sebelum mendung datang

dan badai menghapuskan kenangan

cinta yang sesederhana itu.

cinta yang sesulit itu.

akan datang ketika hadirmu adalah berkah

dan hilangmu hanya kiasan yang belum datang

pergi hanya sesuatu yang tidak dikenal

kalanya senyum kita begitu merekah

pertemuan pertemuan mengalunkan nada indah

sebelum perpisahan datang

dan tangis menghapuskan kenangan

cinta yang sesederhana itu

cinta yang sesulit itu

cinta yang seindah itu.

cinta yang sekejap itu.

cinta yang sekedar itu.

Pontianak, 4 Oktober 2013

Movie Week

Insidious Chapter 2

pict here

Directed by : James Wan
Produced by : Jason Blum & Oren Peli
Story by : James Wan & Leigh Whannel
Starring L Patrick Wilson (Josh lambert), Garett Ryan (Young Josh), Rose Byrne (Renai Lambert), Ty Simpkins (Dalton Lambert), Lin Shaye (Elise Ranier), Lindsay Seim (young Elise), Andrew Astor (Foster Lambert), Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane), Tom Fitzpatrick (Bride in Black/Old Parker), Tyler Griffin (Young Parker).

I think this is the best horror movie i ever watch.  The plot is so neat, and continues from the first chapter.  The director could make the episode explain another episode.  So, this film not only make us scare, but also make us think and try to remember.  I think it is the main point when you tell people a story, you must attract the audience so they want to care, so they want to remember the character if they want to know the whole story.

The actor and actress play nicely, but i really like Danielle Bisutti (Mother of Parker Crane) because i think she remind me of Susanna (Indonesian horror actress), with scary big eyes, old fashion and stiff gesture. 

Well, done.  For this movie, i will rate 4 from 5. (Because its never 5 or perfect movie).

Things I Still Remember

I remember our first day we met at the mosque, you sit and lean to the wall, asking my number.
I remember our first date, at the cafe near our college, i remember we sit and feel confuse of what will we do.
I remember our first time i introduce you to my family.
I remember our first time you bring me to your house and introduce me to all of your family.
I remember the kindness of your mom, the first impression of your father and play with your sister's rabbit.
I remember your eyes, i remember the love and the warmth. I remember every miss.

Then,

I remember the time we break-up,
I remember i cant see love in your eyes
I remember i can see the unseen,
I remember i can feel your dissapear,
long before we break.

I remember.

Fiksi : Mencari Firman

Katakan aku mengada-ada karena apa yang kucari hampir tak kasat mata, tapi bukankah jika kau harus bisa melihat dan membuktikan semua hal secara nyata itu ada maka sama saja membantah bahwa Tuhan itu ada?

Maka akan kujelaskan sedikit: tentang Firman.

Suatu pagi yang tidak jelas, karena hidup tidak pula membutuhkan kejelasan.

Ia datang begitu saja.  Tanpa perkenalan, tanpa bicara.  Hanya tatap mata dariku sendiri saja.  Dan semua yang aku rasakan cukup membayarkan bertahun tahun penantian ketika aku sendiri tidak tahu menanti apa dan siapa. 

Semuanya begitu tidak nyata hingga aku membuat sebuah resolusi mutakhir tapi tak mustahil: mengenalnya. 

Yang ingin ku percayai, tidak ada yang terjadi secara kebetulan karena kebetulan saja Tuhan punya rencana yang lebih besar.  Tapi satu hal yang menjadi 'nasihat' sakti bapakku suatu hari tentang cinta, bahwa rumus cinta itu 99% usaha dan 1% takdir.  Maka aku tidak mau menyerah begitu saja pada 1%.  Aku tidak pernah percaya bahwa kita kehilangan kesempatan untuk berusaha.  Aku percaya usaha, walaupun tidak dapat kita selesaikan di garis finish, setidaknya membawa kita ke suatu tempat yang bukan dari kita bermula.  

Mencari Firman mewakili tanyaku tentang pencarian seseorang yang sudah lama hilang.  Sosok yang bisa aku jadikan sesuatu yang bisa mengisi kepala tidak hanya dengan strategi dan cara cara tapi juga dengan hati yang sudah kehabisan kata-kata.  Karena pertemuan yang sekali saja.  Cukup untukku mengenal, kemudian mencarinya hingga ujung dunia. 

Katakanlah ini akan sia-sia jika suatu hari nanti aku akan menemukan dia ternyata sudah memiliki kekasih, atau bahkan istri.  Tapi tidak semua perjuangan diukur dari hasilnya bukan? bukankah jika semua hal berorientasi dan hanya fokus pada hasil maka hasil dari perjalanan hidup kita ini sesungguhnya adalah mati-dan selesailah semua.  Yang bermakna adalah perjalanannya, ketika kita tidak menemukan yang kita inginkan dalam perjalanan itu, tapi mungkin kita akan menemukan apa yang kita butuhkan.

Maka kujelajahi seluruh dunia maya dan seluruh kemungkinan yang ada.  Hanya untuk mencari Firman.  Mencari Firman merefleksikan sesuatu dalam hidupku: sebuah pencarian yang ngotot dan tak kunjung lelah.  Meskipun yang kucari itu belum tentu menginginkan aku, tidak perduli dan bahkan bukan pula menjadi tujuan akhirku.  Tapi mencari Firman adalah salah satu bentuk komitmenku akan sesuatu.  Jika aku berhenti pada hal ini, maka aku akan berhenti pula pada hal hal lain.  Karena jika pada hal yang mampu membuat aku merasakan sesuatu saja aku bisa berhenti, bagaimana aku akan melanjutkan perjalanan pada hal hal yang tidak begitu aku sukai? Maka keputusanku sudah bulat, menemukan dia. 

Tapi, hidup bukanlah tentang keputusanmu sendiri, inginmu sendiri saja.  Tentu saja. Katakan semesta belum menjawab, atau yang punya kuasa menegur untuk terus mencari, dan menjawab :belum.  Ah, yang terjadi aku yakin semua bukan karena tidak terjadi, hanya perkara keinginan kita yang berbeda dari kehendakNya.

Ini bukan akhir cerita, karena hidup baru saja bermula ketika kau tahu apa yang ingin kau cari, 

hidup baru saja dimulai ketika kau tahu kau kehilangan apa untuk menemukan kembali.

hidup baru saja akan dimulai seiring kau mencari.

Kemudian, mungkin setelah pencarian panjang kau akan menemukan kembali suatu pencarian yang diresahkan sebuah pertanyaan:

"Sudahkah penemuanmu membuatmu ingin menemukan yang lebih jauh lagi?

but a lyrics on a song tells me: if you cant get what you want, you may get what you need.

Exactly. 

Whats Next?

In life, there would be so much thing happening, or nothing at all.  Many things that not like the book you read or the experience you ever heard.  Life is whats happening in you like no one else.  You can't predict, but you can't unpredict it too.

But life is beautiful, even in pain. Somehow i know, like the term 'life is never flat'.  There is always something that can makes you smile, there will always be another option.  Life would never be fair, but somehow, you could find a hole that makes you see through it all. Life is fair to be unfair.  Even it goes unfair in one side, it doesnt in other side. Because nothing perfect and happiness is very subjective.

For now, after the 'hardest point' at my academic phase, i will move on to another step.  I still dont know yet where i'm gonna stop, my limited view, limited perspective to see the big big world.  I dont know, i will try sometimes, or not try, its not my decision right now, because i will make the decision when i must make the decision (what a very confuse statement). Honestly, i confused too, but i accept it with all of my heart.  Because, you must feel 'lost' first to feel 'find' again.  I hope i will find my right tune, and will be on the right track to make it happen.  But behind everything, i will try to find the next step.  Next dream to catch and next thing to make me busy and drawn in life whatever i will call it, 'experience' or 'dream comes true'.  Lets find ourself!