it's the summary of our transcript conversations for almost 36 days. the awkward and silenced meetings, the weird conversations, drunk text and getting blocked twice. the train of thoughts, the contemplations, the contemplative afterthoughts. at first, i find it difficult and felt so nervous. the questions keep coming up, the uncertainty, the feeling of question my self for doing this. the unbearable question he is not answering, his unavailable state.
i started the bid at 100% sure to jumped to the pool till the infinity loop and wandering, not knowing where to land or how deep is the hole. and then my feet feel the cold water, giggling, but never changed my mind. cause the anomaly is, the more i know the risk, the more i want to let myself drawn. the digging never be this deep before. the unusual connection and, i dont know, the level of understanding. it never cease to amaze me, on the same time, never make me this shaky and questioning my whole existence. lol.
maybe im to exaggerate, i ever madly in love before, the instant dopamine rush, the excitement and continuous joy. but this one is kinda built different. can we really know the concept of the right one, in this universe, even i kinda questioning the concept of true love, or destined soulmate. but i think this one just build different than before, i just feel the instant connection, the compatible fit to my shoes.
when i was younger, maybe i would picture myself, being madly in love by constantly admiring my partner, keep meeting each other in sweetest way as possible, having a constant and unstopabble chatting about the little things, the cuter ways. but when im getting older, the idea just changed for me. i would love to be something else rather than some guy's obedient woman. would love the idea to be fully myself, blooming as a whole person's package. and then, the madly in love parts will be something more stable, the reliable partner, the comfortable companion, with little sparks that always lighting up the whole city.
so maybe now i just craving for the soft sparks, consistent updates meeting, quality conversations, wiser decision we can made on our adulthood, debating our different perspectives and work it out to learn about each other day by day, and enjoying each other's company. love once be a life-threat for me, the unreliable commitments, the lies, the unsupportive, and by meeting him, i finally can find the anti-thesis. of course its not all bright and perfect, but everything else wouldnt matter for now.
sunday, 07/07/2024
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