from the younger, earlier innocent me, i learned the hard way that having attachments just make you sort of weak, there is nothing we can hold into this world, or we can be sure of. just like people's commentary, very biased and subjective. while as a absurdist and nihilist, i always challenged my self to not having much needs. the minimalism tend to makes me not pressured for doing anything at all cause its all wasted.
on the contrary, i find it difficult to have simple satisfaction, the anger just around the corner to blow up. the pressed emotion and feelings just one trigger away to blown on the wrong place. but day by day, i find the catharsis make me a complete stranger. maybe finally, its all what we need in this little world. another reason to hold on, another task to follow, another feeling to digest, no matter how bad it feels on your stomach. to keep going on even the world's keep crumbling again and again. and then you changed.
finally, not like you expected, you survived. with all things completed and just fine, except your sanity, your willingness and your naivity to survived. its all now just surviving. or you just kinda losing it and lose the grasp of uncertain reality you dont want to connect anymore.
but a bright day have that way to makes you having that little silly smile and hope, filling your chest. even after the rough storms. and i kinda hate all that. i hate the changing season that makes me have that willingness to live again, to feel again. maybe i want to go back crawling and rotten. maybe i dont want all the world's offers and just wanna feel nothing.
tuesday, july 9th 2024
121/366
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