the lightning star

once upon in a darkest night

its the warm day after heavy rain

after the lightning with a storm

there would be a short, beautiful poem

i would remember vividly 

its blackened my eyes, my whole soul

would make me wondering about it

time after time

the match lighter sit on a desk

with a dark night's view

a long long void

a bored tired question

can we survived this

or we will just meet as a star's fault

soon to be micro dust in the whole galaxy

or we can finally lighting the whole sky

exploding the substance

soon to be one of the star

completing the constellation

743

122/366

the hopeless poetic morning rumbling

from the younger, earlier innocent me, i learned the hard way that having attachments just make you sort of weak, there is nothing we can hold into this world, or we can be sure of. just like people's commentary, very biased and subjective. while as a absurdist and nihilist, i always challenged my self to not having much needs. the minimalism tend to makes me not pressured for doing anything at all cause its all wasted.

on the contrary, i find it difficult to have simple satisfaction, the anger just around the corner to blow up. the pressed emotion and feelings just one trigger away to blown on the wrong place. but day by day, i find the catharsis make me a complete stranger. maybe finally, its all what we need in this little world. another reason to hold on, another task to follow, another feeling to digest, no matter how bad it feels on your stomach. to keep going on even the world's keep crumbling again and again. and then you changed.

finally, not like you expected, you survived. with all things completed and just fine, except your sanity, your willingness and your naivity to survived. its all now just surviving. or you just kinda losing it and lose the grasp of uncertain reality you dont want to connect anymore.

but a bright day have that way to makes you having that little silly smile and hope, filling your chest. even after the rough storms. and i kinda hate all that. i hate the changing season that makes me have that willingness to live again, to feel again. maybe i want to go back crawling and rotten. maybe i dont want all the world's offers and just wanna feel nothing.

tuesday, july 9th 2024

121/366

the blooming hearts

 

it's the summary of our transcript conversations for almost 36 days. the awkward and silenced meetings, the weird conversations, drunk text and getting blocked twice. the train of thoughts, the contemplations, the contemplative afterthoughts. at first, i find it difficult and felt so nervous. the questions keep coming up, the uncertainty, the feeling of question my self for doing this. the unbearable question he is not answering, his unavailable state. 

i started the bid at 100% sure to jumped to the pool till the infinity loop and wandering, not knowing where to land or how deep is the hole. and then my feet feel the cold water, giggling, but never changed my mind. cause the anomaly is, the more i know the risk, the more i want to let myself drawn. the digging never be this deep before. the unusual connection and, i dont know, the level of understanding. it never cease to amaze me, on the same time, never make me this shaky and questioning my whole existence. lol.

maybe im to exaggerate, i ever madly in love before, the instant dopamine rush, the excitement and continuous joy. but this one is kinda built different. can we really know the concept of the right one, in this universe, even i kinda questioning the concept of true love, or destined soulmate. but i think this one just build different than before, i just feel the instant connection, the compatible fit to my shoes. 

when i was younger, maybe i would picture myself, being madly in love by constantly admiring my partner, keep meeting each other in sweetest way as possible, having a constant and unstopabble chatting about the little things, the cuter ways. but when im getting older, the idea just changed for me. i would love to be something else rather than some guy's obedient woman. would love the idea to be fully myself, blooming as a whole person's package. and then, the madly in love parts will be something more stable, the reliable partner, the comfortable companion, with little sparks that always lighting up the whole city. 

so maybe now i just craving for the soft sparks, consistent updates meeting, quality conversations, wiser decision we can made on our adulthood, debating our different perspectives and work it out to learn about each other day by day, and enjoying each other's company. love once be a life-threat for me, the unreliable commitments, the lies, the unsupportive, and by meeting him, i finally can find the anti-thesis. of course its not all bright and perfect, but everything else wouldnt matter for now.

sunday, 07/07/2024

120/366

the unlocked character

saturday, 6 july 2024

would tell everyone we meet at elementary school but it just a quick, blurry moments, just remembering your face, seems very familiar dozen years later. heard about you on the next circle of the friend of a friend. already heard about your problems later.

and then on a random day, while i'm meeting with someone. i just see you in front of me. you just sit there, at diantara coffee, looking right in front of me. and we just look at each other. on a not really short moment while im on a day break from office while waiting my current bf before, and you seems wait for your friends too. 

it feels like, a signal from the universe that we are destined to meet each other again after the short memories on the elementary school. the invisible string theory that makes your characters unlocked before this. maybe universe push us to have another extraordinary journey before we are ready to meet each other. 

before this, i felt like the past relationship just uncompatible, the anxiety to have several 'almost' serious boyfriend whos younger for the almost ten years. it just feels not really right for me, to be the older one on a relationship. and then the dynamics, the gap, the lifestyle, the little habits. 

when all of the equations just makes sense when you meet someone who have a smiliar life * i think. besides your past, that adding your extra values from my experience. i always have that itch and worriedness about how i start a family, having a child, how i can be finally the one who taking care of my own family. but you, on the opposite, kinda have a faith on that and already desired to having that. it feels like your positions, your perspectives, completed the idea of my well being. 

you may not a perfect person, kinda annoying and cold, sometimes. but i kinda have that senses its not all you. you just a complete set of a dark storm and bright day combined. so i'll take what i can get on every season. i dont know where this is going, even you seems sure, but also in doubt too, like me. but i try to have no high expectation, just cherish every moments, and keep learning, keep knowing, keep making efforts to know each other for this past few months. wherever we are going, i just feel glad. meeting you and get to unlocking your characters on this thirty two levels. 

119/366

cara cara memulai pagi #thoughts

selasa, 2 juli 2024

mungkin secangkir susu hangat pengganti sarapan berat untuk lambung yang belum siap. menyeduh kopi bekal sembilan jam di kantor serta kesibukan-kesibukan yang menyebalkan sekaligus menyenangkan. pekerjaan yang telah dilakukan bertahun tahun, menjemukan sekaligus penuh tantangan untuk maju ke depan dan melakukan hal hal yang lebih menarik, serta kemungkinan-kemungkinan baru di pagi hari.

mungkin menyetir sedikit terlalu lamban dan lama karena pagi masih dijeda dan jadi orang yang pertama datang untuk memulai pagi dengan khidmat dan lambat. mendengarkan lagu lagu yang penuh kenangan lawas di masa muda yang penuh menyimpan perasaan-perasaan ganjil yang hampir sudah dilupakan. 

mungkin membaca koran, menghilangkan kantuk dengan lagu hindia yang protes tentang hidup dan mempertanyakan pekerjaan pekerjaan yang mundane dan klise. kemana dahaga yang ingin dipuaskan pada pencapaian-pencapaian dan ambisi itu hilang. ketika ternyata pagi rutin membosankan rupanya menarik, dan kestabilan pegangan hidup, kepastian-kepastian yang menenangkan.

hidup yang begitu begini saja, sekaligus kejutan kejutan yang menyenangkan. datang di setiap pagi, menjemput takdir yang bermacam-macam. mungkin, besok kita akhirnya sampai. 

118/366

jalan jalan dan pertemanan #thoughts

senin, 1 juli 2024

juni terasa terlalu cepat berakhir, sebelum mei yang rasanya berjalan begitu lambat dan pelan. hidup rasanya memang seperti roller coaster, kadang pelan di tempat datar dan begitu cepat menghujam ke bawah, ke atas. tidak ada yang pernah benar benar sadar kapan kita akan dijungkir balikkan. tau-tau sudah lewat saja, hingga perasaan perasaan yang tersisa begitu membekas dan meninggalkan jejak jejak pada hal hal yang tinggal dan kita ingat. 

baru saja pulang dari perjalanan seminggu bersama teman-temanku. teman-teman yang sudah cukup baik kukenal selama lima belas tahun, di perkuliahan. dua orang lainnya malah kenal sejak SMA. sebagai yang selalu merasa orang yang introvert, pertemanan punya arti yang serius buatku. sejak smp, rasanya aku selalu ingin berada dan punya teman- karena aku selalu merasa aku tidak memilikinya. 

ingin diakui, ingin dicari, dianggap, atau minimal diajak ngobrol. padahal, secara umum aku adalah orang yang senang sendiri, dan gampang terganggu dengan kehadiran orang lain. tapi aku juga punya kecemasan, untuk tidak diterima, untuk tidak memiliki teman dan mati begitu saja tanpa ada yang mengunjungi makamku atau kehilangan atas aku. mungkin keinginan yang tumbuh sejak kecil itu membuatku berpikir, aku jadi menyesuaikan karakterku dan apa yang aku bicarakan di tengah perkumpulan dimana aku ingin diterima. 

tapi itu, tentu saja. hanya bertahan beberapa kali saja. pada akhirnya, yang bertahan adalah genuine intention, hal hal yang organik. aku percaya upaya upaya manipulatif hanya mampu tampil sebentar, sebagai basa basi dan permukaan, pada akhirnya kita akan menunjukkan siapa diri kita, dan orang lain pun akan merasakannya. setelah beranjak dewasa-dan tua, tentu pada akhirnya kita menginginkan perkumpulan pertemanan yang benar benar tau siapa diri kita, dan memilih tinggal. tak perlu capek capek jadi orang lain, waktu juga sudah membuktikan dan menunjukkan siapa diri kita di depan teman-teman kita, dan- secara natural kita pun saling mengerti, dan memperhatikan.

sesederhana udah paham kalau mood temen kita udah mulai bete, dan mencari tempat istirahat, sesederhana mengalah perkara urutan kamar buat teman yang introvert dan suka sendiri. sesederhana memberikan waktu untuk cabut me time sendiri. atau sesederhana menemani kesukaan teman kita yang bukan kesukaan diri sendiri, karena nanti bakal dibalas gantian. saling berbalas dan saling memberikan bantuan, memberikan perhatian dengan gampang, karena semuanya jadi terasa mudah. 

pemahaman dan -perasaan timbal balik yang membutuhkan waktu yang cukup lama untuk disesuaikan. untuk setara- pula, dengan nilai nilai yang dianut, dengan prinsip kesukaan dan ketidaksukaan yang mirip-mirip. atau gaya hidup yang kurang-lebih hingga saling menyesuaikan. tetapi tentu, tidak semuanya juga sempurna, karena kalau kita mencari kesempurnaan- kita akan kehilangan semua teman kita. koneksi-koneksi yang dibangun juga barangkali akan runtuh jika kita terus menggoyang dan menguji kekuatannya. semuanya berperan cukup, dengan porsi yang pas dan balance. barangkali kita bisa terus menyebrang jembatan dengan nyaman dan selamat sampai ke tujuan.

117/366