Kepala yang kubaca.

Kepalamu adalah ruang yang asing
Sebuah tempat gelap
Dimana aku nyaman dan betah berlama lama
Sekaligus ketakutan tidak menemukan jalan keluar.

Kepalamu kadang hanya gaung dan bila aku mencari, tidak ada yang kutemukan selain jalan yang terlalu gampang dan petunjuk yang mudah.

Hatimu lebih lagi.

Hanya berjalan satu arah.

Tapi kemudahan kadang membuat lupa,
Kenyamanan membuat alpa.
Biasa membuat lengah

Kutemukan diriku lebur
Bahkan hilang.

*) Foto: buku 'Melihat Api Bekerja' - Aan Mansyur.

Daftar Bacaan Mei

Daftar bacaan untuk bulan Mei ini:

1.  Cinta Selamanya - Fira Basuki
2.  Sedang Tuhan Pun Cemburu - Emha Ainun Najib
3.  Melihat Api Bekerja - Aan Mansyur
4.  Everyone Worth Knowing - Lauren Wesberger
5.  A Painted House - John Grisham

Awalnya tertarik membeli buku Aan Mansyur, penulis yang awalnya dikenal melalui akun twitternya @hurufkecil yang sepertinya kata-katanya mampu mengutarakan apa yang sepertinya ada, tapi tidak terkatakan.  Kemudian berakhir dengan membeli buku lainnya.  Kupikir mungkin untuk budget bulan depan aku harus menyisihkan untuk buku dengan tema tema lain.  No 4 dan 5 secara impulsif dibeli karena tergiur diskon, no 1 karena melihat trailer filmnya yang sepertinya menarik namun tidak akan kutonton di bioskop, mungkin akan kucari dvdnya. No 2 karena novel tentang Tuhan selalu menarik, terlebih nama pengarangnya familiar.

Aku ingin banyak membeli buku, meskipun kadang beberapa belum sempat kubaca, malas kubaca, bosan sebelum selesai kubaca ataupun terlalu tidak cocok selera.  Aku juga jadi merindukan jaman-jaman smp-sma ketika aku membaca buku-buku novel remaja dan cukup puas, setelah tamat kuliah, mungkin membaca memberiku pula banyak ekspektasi ketika membaca buku dan mulai pilih-pilih, pula menjadi malu apabila judul maupun cover yang dibeli sedikit norak dan shallow, inginnya buku yang keren, berat dan memiliki makna, padahal terkadang, aku hanya membaca buku karena ingin dihibur oleh kata-kata shallow, mudah dicerna dan simple. Entahlah, katanya membaca buku itu dinikmati saja, untuk membunuh waktu senggang, alih-alih terinspirasi untuk membuat maupun melakukan sesuatu yang lebih baik dari konten buku tersebut. *)

*) sedikit terinspirasi dari postingan Aan Mansyur : https://medium.com/@hurufkecil/eka-kurniawan-aku-lebih-ingin-membesarkan-diriku-sebagai-pembaca-daripada-penulis-94904e2b7213

Something in my head

Sometimes i find my self afraid of doing something, then spend most of my time just laying, being so lazy, close my eyes and find my self comfortable.  I'm so afraid to get out and getting exhausted (beside my job) maybe one to another it is about now we find something that we like to do: a job, and i find it amuse to do it and getting paid.  So after that, its started to feel like a waste of time to do another thing, that not make some impact for our bank account. lol, Thats when i lose it, a hobby, a things to do, my mind and body just look for another easy things to do.  Not challenged anymore. And all of the exciting things gonna wild in my head only. Maybe.  I think i need a new passion.

The Essentials

Sometimes we need a friend to make us feel less lonely,
sometimes we are with someone and still feel lonely.

Thats why i love my self,
me never leave me alone.

Goodbye, Lovers.

taken at crystal jade my bread pontianak

I'm failed, from the start.  I already fail to understand.  Then to convince my self that i can do this.  I lied.  The truth is just like a shadow that will always haunt my run, and i cant run anymore.  People says time is everything, but i know i can decide my time, my deadline to end this hollow circle.  I'm done.  Even now i really doubt my self being strong enough to walk away.  To be someone who leaving not left.  Because my whole life i always feel like being left by someone i loved.  And thats me, the weaker one.

But i'm so tired, even the happy things have a limit.  I hope, this is my limit.  I already try my best but this is what i got.  Then i know its enough and i should move on.  I still love you like the first time we met, for sure.  But everything just not as easy as falling in love.  Especially when i'm the one who carry it by my self.  Everything will be okay? will it be dear?

For A Future We Will Never Know

*taken at oz cafe and eatery.

For a future we will never know. If i can ask you a question right now for a question i would like you to answer, it will be nice.  To see what is the best for me.  To surround my self that will good.  But a right or wrong answer i cant see it now, i cant see it through.

Am i happy? Yes. But that kind of happy that wont last forever.  Nothing last forever, so why bother?

But in this life, there is some attachment that just never let yourself free.  A shadow that will haunt you everywhere you go.

Dear future, i'm tired of trying and making question, you will never know, you will never answer.  So why i even write this.  To realize that i must solve this to making peace with my self, to tell my self that is okay to not have all the answer.  To tell my self that, there is a future there, will be a bright side, or a dark side thats only future.  Whats matter now is what matters now.  Relax, and enjoy it.  Fill it with so much things that finally you can be so tired and forget to think, forget to feel, and just sleep, to see whats happen next. I dare you to come, future, for make war, but i really hope you come and make a peace.  At least a peace with myself.

Sunday Love

I will love you like a sunday
Like it was serious matter
but i insist to cause some pain just to think about it

I will love you like a sunday
very casual, relaxing and the most important thing: makes you happy and smile
cause what makes you smile, always succees make me fall in love.

I will love you like a sunday
It maybe short, but its the end of the week

I will love you like a sunday
Be very patient, waiting to be the one
to be the last on a busy week

I will love you like a sunday
Like it was very beautiful
Once i realized it will end at 00.00 am
Cause nothing last forever
So do you.

I will love you like a sunday
Its okay to waiting each day just to meet you
and be very blessed
even just for one day

I will love you like a sunday
so deeply, so frustrating to have you just for a one day
but its okay

because once you left.
you left me with a smile, a kiss, and a beautiful memory.

Sunday, April 26th 2015

There's A Light Thats Never Goes Out

In some morning i wake up and just feel a hunger or need to love you.  For a cheap talks, stolen time to be with you just in one blink eyes.  And its going everyday.  

Some quotes said Relationship ended in breakup or marriage, i dont know which one scares me more.  At my 24th, all thing look like a mess beside a job. Maybe i can tell what i do now its what saves me from falling down from all the problems that hit me.  its better to being like this, than being like that.

But sometimes i wake up in the morning and feel like everything is okay. Its all the process, its all the road that i must've taken, even the hardest way.  Because if its easy, everyone will take it.

A few of my friend that said i just like to feel adventureous in some aspect on my life even its put me on danger but its just like another challenge for me.  In my life, sometimes boredom kills some logics and daily routine kills some sanity.

I always hunger from something amazing, exciting, beautiful, lovable, dont we need it all? Even we must look it from an unique perspective that not so many people would understand, but because its my journey, not them, isnt it?

A story about Vincent Van Gogh that i got on instagram then hist me, He was told that he eat a yellow paint to feel happiness and he just like paintings that much, but what hits me is the explanation, that said sometimes, when problem hit us that our life seems really miserable, doing the crazy things out of logic sometimes is the logic things to do, its okay to do that when your head feels like cant handle anything that the most unlogic things you do is being the right thing to do.  I just need to being told that its okay.  Even in some place at my heart i know its okay.

For now i just enjoy the ride, enjoy what life give me today.  To be fully understand about things i can't control, about things that happen in my life.  To be the best at the circumstances, to be the best of what my mind and my heart can do, stop listening to the noise.  And just, live.

Its like doing the best at the situations, even the situation is not the best situation.  I try to accept this imperfect life and whatever happens, its my story to going through, not other, so its okay for them to not understand.

You are, what your mind tell you who you are.  So i stop listening to the outside and try to hear a voice from inside, to look from my self about what happen, so maybe at the end, i will solve what i must deal with my self, and sometimes when its dont have any possible solution, its okay to live with the problem and just go with it.  

p.s

Reality, is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einsten.

Let The Rain

I dont know when it start to dissapear, is it when you start to walk away, or when you are still there.  But i lost you when i look into your eyes? Loving you is like a sunshine in summer, its just so bright until your eyes cant handle it. And when its go dark, all left is just the memory and happiness.  Even its not there anymore.

And now i walk to our path, wonder am i cross your memory.  Or there is nothing left.

Someone said you just need to walk and never looked back, but what would i do if when i walk all i see is you? And all the different places, different people i met, just make me miss you more?

...

7/4/2015

April Book List

Haruki Murakami : After The Quake 

Haruki Murakammi : Birthday Stories 

Haruki Murakami : The Complete Trilogy

Desi Anwar : A Simple Life

Jane Hawking : Travelling To Infinity 

Charles Duhigg : The Power Of Habit

Recently get some money to buy some books, mostly i feel kinda flat and confused with my space time.  And somehow, i buy 4 english book, from Haruki Murakami and Desi Anwar, i still strugling to read it, but i dont know why i like it.  I just prefer a word in english if it turns to fiction.  I like how it feels to read something and feel strange of it.  (Second, i think i'm quite ambitious to make my self read it and really get what inside the book, lol). I hope i finish all of this! (this what ambitions sounds like!) :)

Midnight Blues

I love you, no matter how the logic says, or analysist conclude. I love you, no matter there is no chance to us to be together, i love you, even we cant reach our possibilty to be together forever.  I love you, to the moon and back.  And i still cant find out why.  And still cant stop.

Tentang

Kukatakan padamu ini tidak akan berjalan mudah, seiring berjalannya waktu, tidak akan juga jadi lebih mudah.  Kau kira rentang yang berjarak menjadikanmu terbiasa dan terlatih? ternyata tidak.  Karena ia adalah sesuatu yang baru, karena ia adalah sesuatu yang luar biasa, menakjubkan.  Tidak banyak orang biasa yang mengalaminya, dan orang dengan kehidupan yang biasa, monoton dan menjemukan tidak akan pernah mengecupnya.  Kau tau kau terlahir menjadi luar biasa, menjadi di atas rata rata, menjadi seseorang yang, tidak normal.  Hidupmu tidak akan mudah, tapi akan jadi luar biasa.  Tidak akan banyak yang mengerti, mereka tidak perlu.  Cukup kamu.  Cukup.

Aku hanya berpesan padamu untuk jadi lebih kuat, bertahan satu kali lagi, dan satu kali lagi.  Kemudian bahagia.  Bahagia dengan apa yang kau punya, bahagia dengan apa yang kau dapat.  Karena suatu saat, akan ada keajaiban, entah itu di ujung jalan atau sebuah hari-hari monoton biasa.  Kau akan merasakannya ketika kau merasakannya.  Jangan pernah berhenti berjalan, karena dalam jalan ini kau yang berlari, kau yang menapak satu demi satu.  Karena di perjalanan nanti, ku tahu kau akan menemukan sesuatu.  Dan semuanya akan kembali seperti pertama kali.

The art of heartbreak.

Talking about a heartbreak maybe i can't write this if i still working on it.  But now, i just crawl from the shelter and keep searching and finding another happiness.  I know soon i will suffer from another heartbreak because now i'm on an impossible kind of relationship. (cant i a little bit more dramatic?)

But my new relationship is kinda loose my nerve about my hard-to-forget past.  He makes me forget quickly, and settle down with this earth again.  He taught me to be more of my self, to be more sincere to let all things go, because all of them will going somewhere.  I'm cursed, and blessed at the same time.  Maybe its all in my mind, maybe its the way it is.  Maybe i just want to be happy and forget about everything and have more courage to living this life.  And somehow, i know i will figure something out, and everything will be okay. It will be. :)

Re-Programming

*my first handmade bouquet

I know there is something rare in me, something that i cant deal with my self.  Something i dont understand yet.  But i think all of us struggling the same thing.  About what you really want to do for the rest of your life, about what you want to fight for your life.  I dont know, life seems not give me so much easy option.  I think i will go with what makes my self happy, even for now its hard to look forward and i really worried about the future.  But i think, there is a reason why God put me in this situation, He know i can handle this, either catch me in the edge or will let me fly.  As long as i do my best at my circumstances.

Have a happy monday! wish you have a job you great at, a lover who can love you back and a kindness that can light up your life.

Seteguk kehilangan dan secangkir kenangan

Tidak pernah ada yang benar benar siap untuk kehilangan, bahkan sesuatu yang jauh jauh hari kita tahu tidak akan ada lagi pun.  Pada masanya, akan membuat kita kehilangan.  Tidak pernah ada yang mampu mengecilkan arti waktu, kebersamaan.  Yang mungkin hanya terukur dalam hitungan detik, menit, jam, hari, bulan, bahkan tahun.  Tapi tahukah kamu, aku menghitung waktu pada kenangan.  Sebuah kenangan dan memori memori kecil yang tidak akan bisa kita lupakan.  Kehilangan hanyalah kabut yang menggelap, sedang kenangan, adalah bayangan yang mengikuti meskipun hanya gelap. 

Kenangan itu sering mengikutimu di jalan jalan yang pernah kau lalui bersamanya, cafe kecil dimana kau sering menghabiskan waktu, bahkan pada jam jam dimana sms maupun telponnya sering masuk melalui telpon genggammu.  

Selalu ada mata yang tidak terbiasa melihat kursi di sebelahmu yang kini tiada lagi kau lihat sosoknya, tiada lagi mata yang bisa kau pandang berjam jam, marah maupun omelannya yang sering kau dengarkan dan kau bantah.  Tiada lagi hangat nafasnya, genggam tangannya atau matanya yang tertangkap menatap matamu.  

Tapi aku percaya cinta itu kekal, hidup, seperti energi yang hanya berpindah, ia hanya berubah wujud, berubah bentuk.  Tapi mampu aku rasakan kau yang nyata dan ada dalam hati. Hidup dalam rasa, mengisi dalam kekosongan yang tiada habisnya, meskipun terpisah dalam waktu, tak terjangkau pada nasib.

Kadang hidup hanyalah rentetan kehilangan demi kehilangan, yang tiada habisnya.  Belajarlah terbiasa, belajarlah untuk sadar. Sadar bahwa kita bisa kehilangan apapun, sadar bahwa kita akan kehilangan apapun.  Dan pahamlah untuk terus mencintai, dan merasa kehilangan, sampai kau tidak mampu, sampai kau lelah, sampai kau pada akhirnya bisa berbahagia,

Karena waktu adalah fana, dan kita, abadi.*

*kutipan puisi Sapardi

What To Do When You Have Nothing To Do

So i just find so much space in my head, my heart, my time.  Its empty, and everywhere i look its just nothing.  I dont know if its kind of depressing or what but i know i must change this.  Maybe its started when i meet a guy that feels like complete me, we spend a lot of time together.  I think he can fill my emptiness... Even i know we cant be together, but i'm happy with him.  And then one thing to another i must leave him, or he finally understand that he must leave me.  

and after he left,he just leave a hole.  A hole that bigger than before.  A hole that i cant understand how to fill it when i just not motivated to do anything.  Killing time just with sleeping and sleeping and i wake up getting no peace but a loss more than before.

And then i wake up and write this. Try to find out what to do, by write it. Even i really have no mood to write something, or express any feeling.  But i just write, not because i want, because i must.

At first, i spend my time running.  About one hours. 

After that i buy a dvd, this is a list:

1.  The Imitation Game

2.  Love, Rosie

3.  Interstellar

4.  The Woman In Black 2: Angel Or Death

5.  The Boy Next Door

6.  Wild Card

7.  Fugitive At 17

8.  PK

9.  Vice

I still think to find something interesting to do.  I want to being busy as many as i can, so i can sleep feel tired and cant think about anything.  But i dont want to do many things too. Ya. that complicated. 

Tomorrow i will buy a book, or find a library to extend my card.

I have to get busy with something.

A Love Letter

Hello, thank you for being there.  For just being there after a big storm i have in my life, a storm i cant handle with, you make me forget all the bad things happen behind.  Thank you for makes my day so bright until i cant see anything, just seeing you.  You makes me believe that i can feel something other than my broken heart, you make me believe in my self that i be able to love and be loved.

But its life, you cant have only a good day, you also gonna through some bad day.  And now, i must live it without you.  thank you for making me stronger than before, to taught me a lesson i can't learn my self.  Thank you for make the magic happen when i'm with you.

At first, its feel like a comfort zone.  And actually there is no such thing as comfort zone, its just a condition that your mind try to f*ck you up.  Its just an illution, to trap you. To make you a prisoner your whole life.  Maybe sometimes i'll end up hating why i'll feel this terrible things again. After i feel like its nice and amazing to have a new feeling, something new i never thought i could experience again.

But its just a dream, that finally i must wake my self up.  I must clearly open my eyes to the truth in front of me.

Its another piece of cake, and in this, i lose, and you, win.

So, let me write you a love letter, and kiss you a goodbye.  

Maybe in the next life, our destiny will cross and some magical things will happen, who knows.

My Kind Of Sunday II

*my essentials on sunday morning

Watching : Talkshow Kick Andy @MetroTv. About Ika Natassa, Chef Marinka and Katherine who still being single at their 30, and what they do that makes them feel okay to being single and happy, and a story about Katherine, a host that finally getting married at 39.

Listening : Magic-Coldplay.  Its nice to lay down and listening this music and think about my love life.  Its feels like magic, something rare, something unusual, and something blurry but its just what it is, magic.  You dont need to ask how it goes, you dont suppose to know everything about it, your part here is just to enjoy whatever the magician brings you.  At least it is a great show!

Reading : Jatuh Cinta adalah Cara Terbaik Untuk Bunuh Diri - Bernard Batubara.  Its a book that tell you a story about love, thats a dramatic kind of love, because love doesnt have to always be the right thing to feel.  Thats so much kind of love you need to taste, so much experience you still dont know yet when you feel in love.

Working : I hope i finish my work for next month.  I have this bad habbit that sometimes when its through a long time, my passion and my motivation just lost at one kind of work and makes me dont care, like at all about what i do.  Its just stop.  Even i forgive my self because its just not feel right again but i promise to finish in the urge of my next plan.  At least, this would be my latest 3 work before i decide to quit on this or not.  Or i hope i find a new motivation on it. Wish me luck!

Writing : Until now only this blog because my mind is so lazy this week, all i want to do just go to work-sleep-listening to music and lay down or go out with my bf.  Its like i have nothing that burn me again, it feels like my mind, my brain is empty and losing the ability to the critical thinking.  Maybe i need some book to keep motivate me, or maybe i need some new sport to improve my dicipline's muscle!

Thinking : I have to change, i need a new habbit, i dont want to spend my life just like this.  I have to do what i have to do to pursue my goals, my targets.  I will start look for some new motivation, and short term goals to stick with it.  Lets start!

And She Will Be Loved.

*Tabrani Ahmad Street in rain, Pontianak

3.25 p.m

Pada suatu hari yang tenang, mungkin kala itu langit akan gelap.  Aku mengerti kita akan saling meninggalkan satu sama lain.  Mungkin berlari lurus, menutup mata dan telinga kemudian pergi begitu saja.  

Kita telah begitu lama mengetahui bahwa hari itu akan ada, meskipun dalam hati terasa takut menunggu, hanya saja hal itu seperti menunggu hujan yang akan datang setelah langit gelap.  Memang begitulah adanya- kau mengerti, tidak perlu takut, semua akan baik baik saja, katamu pada dirimu sendiri.

Hari ini kita bertengkar lagi, dan aku takjub, kamu telah mengambil begitu banyak ruang, begitu banyak waktu sehingga hanya ketika membayangkan kamu pergi. Tiba tiba rasanya begitu sakit.

Bukan, bukan begini seharusnya.

Rencananya aku hanya ingin mencintaimu hanya untuk hari ini saja, hanya untuk saat ini saja, kemudian berhenti memikirkan masa depan.  Cukup berbahagia untuk hal-hal kecil, hal-hal yang membuat kita saling membahagiakan.  Harusnya itu sudah cukup.  Awalnya itu semua sudah cukup.

tapi hari demi hari terus berlalu, dan aku tidak bisa berhenti.

Suatu waktu muncul tanya dalam kepalaku mengapa kamu masih ingin mencintai ketika tau bahwa suatu saat kalian akan saling meninggalkan, lantas sebuah pertanyaan menyerangku kembali, bertubi tubi, kemudian mengapa kamu masih ingin hidup ketika kamu tahu suatu saat kamu tau pasti kamu akan mati?

Seperti menunggu kematian, menunggu berpisah denganmu aku pula harus bersiap, bahkan untuk semua hal dalam hidup kita harus bersiap, bersiap untuk... melepaskan, bersiap untuk menerima. Apapun itu.  Segalanya dan tanpa apa apa.  Hidup hanya untuk... hidup.

Maka ijinkanlah aku mengucap syukur, untuk mengecap hidup, untuk mencintai, untuk belajar bahwa kita tidak harus memiliki semua hal, tapi satu hal yang harus kita lakukan- di atas segalanya, kita harus bahagia.  Setidaknya agar semua sakit itu nanti akan terbayar-lunas dan tuntas.  Dan tidak akan ada penyesalan,  hiduplah.  Hiduplah untuk hari ini, hiduplah untuk rasa ini, hiduplah untuk menikmati saat ini.  Hiduplah sebagai -present, hiduplah sebagai -gift.  Its all you can get, its all you can have, and its all you need.

P.s: I love you.

The Man You Loved

*sky on the road to bengkayang

Its 1.50 a.m, few minutes after your message and your call before you keep dissapearing again.  Its nice, to see you again, to talk about how we missed each other and how stupid we are to keep waiting.  I'm sorry that i never break my wall to asking you more question, to need you more.  Its just, i know that i will love you enough that you can feel free to love me or not love me back. 

I dont want you to owe me something, i dont want you to love me because you should do it.  I want you to love me because you know you can decide, and you decide to love me.

Love is just a words, you just never know how it goes.  You can desperately love and want someone next second you will lose all of it, you just never know.  Nothing last forever, even love.  Its just flow, and you never know where it will ends.  

Life is just a short trip on a long road.  I dont want to lose the track.  But for now, i just want to be by your side.