Re-Programming

*my first handmade bouquet

I know there is something rare in me, something that i cant deal with my self.  Something i dont understand yet.  But i think all of us struggling the same thing.  About what you really want to do for the rest of your life, about what you want to fight for your life.  I dont know, life seems not give me so much easy option.  I think i will go with what makes my self happy, even for now its hard to look forward and i really worried about the future.  But i think, there is a reason why God put me in this situation, He know i can handle this, either catch me in the edge or will let me fly.  As long as i do my best at my circumstances.

Have a happy monday! wish you have a job you great at, a lover who can love you back and a kindness that can light up your life.

Seteguk kehilangan dan secangkir kenangan

Tidak pernah ada yang benar benar siap untuk kehilangan, bahkan sesuatu yang jauh jauh hari kita tahu tidak akan ada lagi pun.  Pada masanya, akan membuat kita kehilangan.  Tidak pernah ada yang mampu mengecilkan arti waktu, kebersamaan.  Yang mungkin hanya terukur dalam hitungan detik, menit, jam, hari, bulan, bahkan tahun.  Tapi tahukah kamu, aku menghitung waktu pada kenangan.  Sebuah kenangan dan memori memori kecil yang tidak akan bisa kita lupakan.  Kehilangan hanyalah kabut yang menggelap, sedang kenangan, adalah bayangan yang mengikuti meskipun hanya gelap. 

Kenangan itu sering mengikutimu di jalan jalan yang pernah kau lalui bersamanya, cafe kecil dimana kau sering menghabiskan waktu, bahkan pada jam jam dimana sms maupun telponnya sering masuk melalui telpon genggammu.  

Selalu ada mata yang tidak terbiasa melihat kursi di sebelahmu yang kini tiada lagi kau lihat sosoknya, tiada lagi mata yang bisa kau pandang berjam jam, marah maupun omelannya yang sering kau dengarkan dan kau bantah.  Tiada lagi hangat nafasnya, genggam tangannya atau matanya yang tertangkap menatap matamu.  

Tapi aku percaya cinta itu kekal, hidup, seperti energi yang hanya berpindah, ia hanya berubah wujud, berubah bentuk.  Tapi mampu aku rasakan kau yang nyata dan ada dalam hati. Hidup dalam rasa, mengisi dalam kekosongan yang tiada habisnya, meskipun terpisah dalam waktu, tak terjangkau pada nasib.

Kadang hidup hanyalah rentetan kehilangan demi kehilangan, yang tiada habisnya.  Belajarlah terbiasa, belajarlah untuk sadar. Sadar bahwa kita bisa kehilangan apapun, sadar bahwa kita akan kehilangan apapun.  Dan pahamlah untuk terus mencintai, dan merasa kehilangan, sampai kau tidak mampu, sampai kau lelah, sampai kau pada akhirnya bisa berbahagia,

Karena waktu adalah fana, dan kita, abadi.*

*kutipan puisi Sapardi

What To Do When You Have Nothing To Do

So i just find so much space in my head, my heart, my time.  Its empty, and everywhere i look its just nothing.  I dont know if its kind of depressing or what but i know i must change this.  Maybe its started when i meet a guy that feels like complete me, we spend a lot of time together.  I think he can fill my emptiness... Even i know we cant be together, but i'm happy with him.  And then one thing to another i must leave him, or he finally understand that he must leave me.  

and after he left,he just leave a hole.  A hole that bigger than before.  A hole that i cant understand how to fill it when i just not motivated to do anything.  Killing time just with sleeping and sleeping and i wake up getting no peace but a loss more than before.

And then i wake up and write this. Try to find out what to do, by write it. Even i really have no mood to write something, or express any feeling.  But i just write, not because i want, because i must.

At first, i spend my time running.  About one hours. 

After that i buy a dvd, this is a list:

1.  The Imitation Game

2.  Love, Rosie

3.  Interstellar

4.  The Woman In Black 2: Angel Or Death

5.  The Boy Next Door

6.  Wild Card

7.  Fugitive At 17

8.  PK

9.  Vice

I still think to find something interesting to do.  I want to being busy as many as i can, so i can sleep feel tired and cant think about anything.  But i dont want to do many things too. Ya. that complicated. 

Tomorrow i will buy a book, or find a library to extend my card.

I have to get busy with something.

A Love Letter

Hello, thank you for being there.  For just being there after a big storm i have in my life, a storm i cant handle with, you make me forget all the bad things happen behind.  Thank you for makes my day so bright until i cant see anything, just seeing you.  You makes me believe that i can feel something other than my broken heart, you make me believe in my self that i be able to love and be loved.

But its life, you cant have only a good day, you also gonna through some bad day.  And now, i must live it without you.  thank you for making me stronger than before, to taught me a lesson i can't learn my self.  Thank you for make the magic happen when i'm with you.

At first, its feel like a comfort zone.  And actually there is no such thing as comfort zone, its just a condition that your mind try to f*ck you up.  Its just an illution, to trap you. To make you a prisoner your whole life.  Maybe sometimes i'll end up hating why i'll feel this terrible things again. After i feel like its nice and amazing to have a new feeling, something new i never thought i could experience again.

But its just a dream, that finally i must wake my self up.  I must clearly open my eyes to the truth in front of me.

Its another piece of cake, and in this, i lose, and you, win.

So, let me write you a love letter, and kiss you a goodbye.  

Maybe in the next life, our destiny will cross and some magical things will happen, who knows.

My Kind Of Sunday II

*my essentials on sunday morning

Watching : Talkshow Kick Andy @MetroTv. About Ika Natassa, Chef Marinka and Katherine who still being single at their 30, and what they do that makes them feel okay to being single and happy, and a story about Katherine, a host that finally getting married at 39.

Listening : Magic-Coldplay.  Its nice to lay down and listening this music and think about my love life.  Its feels like magic, something rare, something unusual, and something blurry but its just what it is, magic.  You dont need to ask how it goes, you dont suppose to know everything about it, your part here is just to enjoy whatever the magician brings you.  At least it is a great show!

Reading : Jatuh Cinta adalah Cara Terbaik Untuk Bunuh Diri - Bernard Batubara.  Its a book that tell you a story about love, thats a dramatic kind of love, because love doesnt have to always be the right thing to feel.  Thats so much kind of love you need to taste, so much experience you still dont know yet when you feel in love.

Working : I hope i finish my work for next month.  I have this bad habbit that sometimes when its through a long time, my passion and my motivation just lost at one kind of work and makes me dont care, like at all about what i do.  Its just stop.  Even i forgive my self because its just not feel right again but i promise to finish in the urge of my next plan.  At least, this would be my latest 3 work before i decide to quit on this or not.  Or i hope i find a new motivation on it. Wish me luck!

Writing : Until now only this blog because my mind is so lazy this week, all i want to do just go to work-sleep-listening to music and lay down or go out with my bf.  Its like i have nothing that burn me again, it feels like my mind, my brain is empty and losing the ability to the critical thinking.  Maybe i need some book to keep motivate me, or maybe i need some new sport to improve my dicipline's muscle!

Thinking : I have to change, i need a new habbit, i dont want to spend my life just like this.  I have to do what i have to do to pursue my goals, my targets.  I will start look for some new motivation, and short term goals to stick with it.  Lets start!

And She Will Be Loved.

*Tabrani Ahmad Street in rain, Pontianak

3.25 p.m

Pada suatu hari yang tenang, mungkin kala itu langit akan gelap.  Aku mengerti kita akan saling meninggalkan satu sama lain.  Mungkin berlari lurus, menutup mata dan telinga kemudian pergi begitu saja.  

Kita telah begitu lama mengetahui bahwa hari itu akan ada, meskipun dalam hati terasa takut menunggu, hanya saja hal itu seperti menunggu hujan yang akan datang setelah langit gelap.  Memang begitulah adanya- kau mengerti, tidak perlu takut, semua akan baik baik saja, katamu pada dirimu sendiri.

Hari ini kita bertengkar lagi, dan aku takjub, kamu telah mengambil begitu banyak ruang, begitu banyak waktu sehingga hanya ketika membayangkan kamu pergi. Tiba tiba rasanya begitu sakit.

Bukan, bukan begini seharusnya.

Rencananya aku hanya ingin mencintaimu hanya untuk hari ini saja, hanya untuk saat ini saja, kemudian berhenti memikirkan masa depan.  Cukup berbahagia untuk hal-hal kecil, hal-hal yang membuat kita saling membahagiakan.  Harusnya itu sudah cukup.  Awalnya itu semua sudah cukup.

tapi hari demi hari terus berlalu, dan aku tidak bisa berhenti.

Suatu waktu muncul tanya dalam kepalaku mengapa kamu masih ingin mencintai ketika tau bahwa suatu saat kalian akan saling meninggalkan, lantas sebuah pertanyaan menyerangku kembali, bertubi tubi, kemudian mengapa kamu masih ingin hidup ketika kamu tahu suatu saat kamu tau pasti kamu akan mati?

Seperti menunggu kematian, menunggu berpisah denganmu aku pula harus bersiap, bahkan untuk semua hal dalam hidup kita harus bersiap, bersiap untuk... melepaskan, bersiap untuk menerima. Apapun itu.  Segalanya dan tanpa apa apa.  Hidup hanya untuk... hidup.

Maka ijinkanlah aku mengucap syukur, untuk mengecap hidup, untuk mencintai, untuk belajar bahwa kita tidak harus memiliki semua hal, tapi satu hal yang harus kita lakukan- di atas segalanya, kita harus bahagia.  Setidaknya agar semua sakit itu nanti akan terbayar-lunas dan tuntas.  Dan tidak akan ada penyesalan,  hiduplah.  Hiduplah untuk hari ini, hiduplah untuk rasa ini, hiduplah untuk menikmati saat ini.  Hiduplah sebagai -present, hiduplah sebagai -gift.  Its all you can get, its all you can have, and its all you need.

P.s: I love you.

The Man You Loved

*sky on the road to bengkayang

Its 1.50 a.m, few minutes after your message and your call before you keep dissapearing again.  Its nice, to see you again, to talk about how we missed each other and how stupid we are to keep waiting.  I'm sorry that i never break my wall to asking you more question, to need you more.  Its just, i know that i will love you enough that you can feel free to love me or not love me back. 

I dont want you to owe me something, i dont want you to love me because you should do it.  I want you to love me because you know you can decide, and you decide to love me.

Love is just a words, you just never know how it goes.  You can desperately love and want someone next second you will lose all of it, you just never know.  Nothing last forever, even love.  Its just flow, and you never know where it will ends.  

Life is just a short trip on a long road.  I dont want to lose the track.  But for now, i just want to be by your side.

Monday Consumption

*a flower pen at my office

10.28 am.

Hanging at the office, not so much to do. Maybe some few week before i move into a new office.  I hope i will never take in mind on whatever i lost.  I hope i am strong enough to not feel attach to anything, its not like i am giving up to feel the connection to the world, its about i want to alive and appreciate more about what i get.  So i must understand that nothing belongs to me, and set my self free from a need to own something.  You can love a flower without a need to take it from its life.  Everyone have their own life, own path, you can love each other but you must understand you shall not make them your prisoner. Let them go, set them free and if your destiny is to be with them, i believe they cant going anywhere.

My Kind Of Sunday

*my desk and my essentials in the middle of the night

Watching : 

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna : Thats a movie that recently my bf watch and he looks amazed by how the story goes, so i watch it again.  (already watched it long time ago, almost forget it).  That story is somehow related to our very complicated situation, and he said he will make it, we will make it.  I dont know, don't want to have any expectation, we'll see then, see ya later. lol.

Ishkq In Paris : After watch that movie i 'll go stream another movie and this story look cute, have a nice setting in paris and a woman character on this movie that at first look like doesnt want a commitment...not yet... *very me. but i know at the end she will married the man's at this movie.  Yeaa, finally people will make it, solve the problems and have someone to marry.  I hope i will to, but someday, in a future i dont want to think and plan and wonder about. :D

Listening :

Full Album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal" - Jason Mraz.

Just an old album, makes me feel i'm on a late night when i still in high school.

Reading :

Re-read : Twivortiare by Ika Natassa

Damn i should buy a new book like this.

Re-read : Cosmopolitan Magazine

I should buy a new printed magazine, just read a pdf magazine and its just feel not like reading magazine. *when you cant lie down hardly enough to back the paper.

And then, i think i should read some serious stuff, since graduated i think my mind needs some books that my brain hard to digest, so i can get bored and sleep hard at the night.  *kidding lol.

Writing :

My notebook, shit on this blog.  Damn still not writing serious stuff on 2015, not a paper, not a scientific script, not a poem, short story or maybe a novel.  I dont know, i always think that i should write some serious stuff or i will die and feel nothing, or i will not feel calm, or happy, or fullfilled or what. Cant figure it out yet.

Working :

Damn, i will transfered at some far office for a few months, excited and no idea at the same time.  I hope new office will makes me more passionate to do any job i'm getting involved with.  A job is a job, you must do it.  I hope the income can make me pay all the bills and still have some space to save and do some investation.  Most of all, i hope the new job will not get me so bored or i find some way to make it more interesting.

Wanting :

A new bussiness to being busy with.

Thinking :

Some serious stuff like why i'm sleeping all day on sunday and wide awake till 1.42 am (yes, its already monday when i write at a post named my kind of sunday) or why i still awake knowing i will feel asleep in the morning and working and sleepy and makes my face look less interesting but just dont give a shit. 

Wondering :

Why i write this blog, said some shit with my complicated english, and feel calm and feel good, and think i could fix some of broken things in my head just by writing it out.  Or maybe it is.  Maybe it is not.  

Oke, done it on 1.54 a.m.  Hope you have a fabulous february everyone!

My Favourite Kind Of Love

*our holding hands, at chalicious cafe

You make me see the sun when i once saw cloud. You believe in me so much that i start to believe in myself again. You makes me finally, feel something again.  Thankyou.  For all the circumstances life make us meet at the very wrong place, i'm so glad that its you.  Now i'm at some point that i dont care about anything.  I just want to feel happy.  And with you, i definite my happiness.

I almost not believe in love again after through many things in my life.  I think i just can love one person deeply in my life and stuck till the end.  But with you, i learn so much lesson about loving and caring about someone, without any attachment, any desire to own, or even carry away my own ego.  Its just a pure, simple love.  A need just to calm and make other person feel comfort, feel free to be himself/herself.  Put so much love, but also make a space to another things.  Feel and embrace love when at the same time being ignorant about anything else.

I dont want to predict the future, because its just seems so far away.  And its feel almost impossible for me to keeping you till the last.  I know it, and i dont want to expect too much.   I know i cant promise you a word, i hope you, either.  I just want to show how much i loving you right now, at this point, more than everyone before you.  

Maybe love just being a little hard for me lately, and its hard for me to accept the reality that for now, i feel in love again.  Its just feel like... a dream.  Maybe its how love suppossed to be.  To be a dream, to make you appreciate it more when you ever lost all of what you have before.  Its good to feel it again after you lost everything you have.  Even now, you'r already prepared yourself, to be lost, and to be found again.  

Nothing lasts forever, they said.  But, how long is forever? who cares about forever? As long as you feel it now, go for it.  Reach it, call it, say it.  Before you lost it, before you miss the opportunity for God only knows. 

Hello, i just want to hold your hand, and forget anything behind, anything in front.  I just want us.  For now.  Maybe for later.  Who knows?

For My Ferre, since 11 December 2014.

Please call it magic.

I know that people live in their boring life, waiting for some magic about to happen.  Sadly, there is no magic.  Life is not a fairytale.  And magic is just about the wrong things that people want with wrong way.  Even its also not flat, excited, makes yourself burn.  It makes yourself taste a different kind of things. Something new always excite you, makes yourself free to do things differently, but what else?

People always love a challenge.  Only when they think they have a same opportunity to win it.  Life is a long long competition.  You can choose your battle.  But sometimes you just dont.

You start realize that its not your battle but things just happened.  Accidentally, with a will from both of people.  And then its just, happened.  For no reason, for no purpose.  A cycle that i know someday it will ended.  

What is more exciting than own something that you know its not your own?  And then you realize that all of things in life its not your own.  You just borrowed from someone else.  You cant really choose what life gives to you.  But you can choose to do your best from whatever life gives to you.

Who will understand what happened tomorrow?  Is magic about to happen? For real? How long i will believe it?

Danau Lait

Danau Lait, Ambawang, Kalimantan Barat merupakan danau yang disebut-sebut sebagai miniatur Danau Sentarum.  Perjalanan yang ditempuh ke Danau Lait jauh lebih mudah pula dibanding perjalanan menuju Danau Sentarum apabila dari Pusat Kota Pontianak. Perjalanan ke Danau Lait hanya ditempuh sekitar 3-4 jam dengan menggunakan kendaraan roda dua.  Yang cukup sulit adalah jalan yang harus dilalui sekitar satu jam dari jalan trans kalimantan menuju pos penyeberangan menuju pemukiman penduduk di tengah danau dimana jalan tersebut merupakan jalan tanah kuning yang menanjak dan menurun yang curam. Pemukiman yang berisi sekitar 39 kepala keluarga ini bermata pencaharian nelayan serta memanfaatkan hutan lebat di sekitar.  Perjalanan ke Danau Lait merupakan sebuah pengalaman yang baru, karena sebelumnya sama sekali belum pernah mendengar nama danau yang tidak jauh dari pusat kota ini sama sekali.  Sebuah poin penting, untuk terus menerus melihat dan memperhatikan segala sesuatunya di sekitar kita, sebelum mencari di suatu tempat yang lainnya.  Mungkin kau ketinggalan menemukan sesuatu.

17-18 Januari 2015

kepada janji dan waktu

*personal photo at vendereeng, bengkayang.

pernah aku percaya sebuah janji yang begitu hebatnya

indah dan menenggelamkan lara yang pernah ada

yang kemudian membakar habis percaya, 

menjadikannya asa

hingga yang tersisa hanya hampa

ingin kukatakan padamu kali ini

jangan pernah lagi berjanji untuk nanti

karena waktu, 

adalah musuh bagi pecinta yang merasakannya hari ini

mungkin saja hanya untuk hari ini

karena waktu,

adalah satuan yang tiba tiba saja bisa mengalikan nol semua 

karena waktu, 

adalah jarak yang paling jauh, sekaligus yang paling dekat

untuk memisahkan apa saja

untuk menyatukan apa saja

maka kukatakan padamu satu rahasia

jangan pernah berjanji untuk esok, untuk lusa

berjanjilah untuk saat ini, hari ini, rasa ini.

karena pada nanti

mungkin tiada kita lagi.

Januari 2015

Penjara Sepi

*personal photo-bukit jamur bengkayang-kalimantan barat

Kepada kaki yang telah terlalu jauh melangkah, kemudian lelah

Kepada hati yang telah terlalu sering patah, kemudian menyerah

Kubisikkan padamu suatu kata rahasia

Aku pun tak tahu apa apa

Bagaimana caranya menghiburmu ketika penghiburan diingini hatiku sendiri

Bagaimana caranya memadamkan api ketika yang terbakar adalah aku, hanya aku sendiri

Kepada sepi, kepada sendiri

hadirlah jangan lebih lama lagi.

kuingin duduk berdua denganmu,

menghabiskan senja yang memerah

merekah, kemudian layu

bersinar, kemudian kelabu

terbakar, kemudian jadi abu

jangan pergi satu kali lagi

jangan lari untuk yang terakhir kali lagi

aku akan menikmati waktu menunggumu berlari

disini, sendiri, berteman sepi

Desember 2014

Menunggu

Entah berapa kali kau mengatakan pada dirimu sendiri, untuk menunggu.  Entah untuk meyakinkan dirimu sendiri bahwa apa yang kau lakukan pada jarak waktu dulu, adalah tiada sia-sia.  Entah untuk memenangkan kepercayaan dirimu yang sangat besar, bahwa pada akhirnya kau akan menang, dan ia akan menyerah. 

Harapan kadang adalah optimisme yang berlebihan, dan kita adalah manusia yang hidup dalam realitas, tanpa waktu lampau, tanpa masa depan.  Kita mengambang pada masa kini, tidak melesat maju ataupun berjalan mundur, kita, disini di waktu yang ini.

Menunggu adalah apa yang kau katakan ilusi, abu-abu.  Pada akhirnya, kita semua menunggu.  Menunggu waktu yang tepat, menunggu orang yang tepat, menunggu cinta yang tepat, menunggu kehidupan yang lebih baik.  Kita sendiri adalah sel sel yang menunggu, menunggu untuk lebur dan mati.

Katamu menunggu adalah perkara jarak, jarak antara apa yang ada di kepalamu dengan apa yang ada di depan matamu.  Menunggu adalah perkara rindu.  Rindu kepada masa lalu, dan menaruh harapan yang besar bahwa masa lalu akan menggema, sekali lagi.  Maka kau menunggu, untuknya.

Yang nyata, kau lari darinya dan memilih tenggelam, pada masa lalu, pada yang kau tunggu.

Kopi yang mengepul dalam cangkir yang sudah mulai kusam itu adalah pertanda, untuk pahit.  Untuk membuatmu membuka mata.  Bahwa yang pahit tidak melulu buruk.  Dan dalam sadar tidak hanya tersisa sakit.

Bahwa harap dan menunggu kau letakkan pada dua cangkir yang berbeda.  Kau yang memilih, mana yang kau hirup, dan yang mana kau biarkan jadi dingin.

Bukankah kau yang selalu bilang, yang indah itu, akan selamanya hidup... dalam kenangan, hanya dalam kenangan.

November 2014

Ruang Tunggu.

Sekali menyakiti hati orang lain, adalah dua kali menyakiti diri sendiri, katanya suatu waktu.  Kau tahu, hal yang terlampau sulit, terkadang adalah yang paling harus dilakukan.  Untuk kebaikan diri sendiri, untuk kewarasan diri sendiri.  

Logika adalah hal yang aneh, ketika semuanya menjadi yang paling masuk akal bagi logika, maka seketika itu pula semuanya menjadi tidak masuk akal.  Tidak ada kesempurnaan dalam apapun, begitu pula dalam berpikir. 

Maka ijinkanlah aku untuk sekali ini keras kepala, demi diriku sendiri.  Agar suatu waktu nanti aku mampu melihat jauh ke belakang dan tidak sekalipun menyesali apa yang aku lakukan.  Demi hati, atas nama logika untuk membenarkan segala.

Ketika suatu waktu kukatakan padamu untuk menunggu, padahal itu tidak mungkin. Maka percayalah, cinta tidak butuh waktu untuk mengukur rasa, tidak butuh luka untuk tersakiti, tidak butuh pupuk untuk terus tumbuh, dan tak perlu tua untuk mati.  Hingga akhirnya, tidak butuh hadirmu untuk membuatnya tetap ada.

31 Oktober 2014

 

Reminder

Life is funny, when you want to being busy, you can do it all without a space and then you just can make time to everything.  But when you start to getting lazy and procastination, all your time will get suck and voila, you can doing nothing worth.

For now, i want to being busy, keep running through the day so i dont have to lie down at my bed, wondering and start to feel alone and leave behind.  Today i just want to run so i can forget how good walk is, today i want to run so i can remember how good it is to keep moving.

I will do what i can do whatever its, pushing my limit, doing something i think i cant do, learn many things new until i dont have a long space to know where i am.  I want to do all of it, all chances, all the craziest and weirdest dream.  I want it all.

Please make me stay awake, to make me remember, that i should forget about it all.

11.47 p.m
mercure hotel

Let It Go

In the end you can’t always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you let it go.
 http://purplebuddhaproject.tumblr.com/

Happy 23

No flower this time because i know i just love to being alone, with my self and my mind.  Its not meant that i hate to have some relationship, but some people dissapoint me.  I know i must stop expect much from people, i should.  But sometimes i think i need time to be totally for my self, not have much worry to not make people dissapointed then failed to make my self happy.   

There is so many things i still want to figure out in this world, my passion, my compassion.  I know i deserve to happy.  To be selfish.  To be strong on my own.

Its funny because i almost forgot today is my birthday if one of unknown number message me at 12.15 am when i read it at 5 am then reply it with "Thankyou, but who is it?".  Sometimes we close enough to people but not that close. Sometimes we strange to people but we feel that close.

23 years is just a number, a sign that symbolize moment i spent.  The moment that record in my head like a flash, my experience, what i've been through, good or bad, happy or sad is passed.  Today i have to remember what i've been through and look straight for today. To stop and take a break from all of this.  Remind me that i'm old enough now and must take responsibility for what i did.  And i deserve to do something better than before.  To take a lesson and learn from whatever happened at the past and make something better and good for the future.

Today, i wish my self to be better, and to be happy. 

Happy birthday, dear me. :)

Do Something.

picture from http://purplebuddhaproject.tumblr.com/

Recently i just decide to stop my routine from Muay Thai, Badminton and with some person.  I feel at this point i need a space for completely enjoy my time, do it time by time without less worrying or training to be better and better at something. I need something new, i want something new.  Even at my circumstances the logical choice is limited, i try my best to make my self surrounded by new things, because i dont want to end up regret what i've done.

Maybe after this busy month i will try something new, maybe start a new class to learn something i'm not good at.  I wonder what is my reason to stop, maybe i just get bored with a routine, target, upcoming event.  Getting tried to prepare something so i forget how it feels to enjoy what i'm doing.  Even my biggest motivation at the beginning is to chasing something.

So the decision is for my relationship too, i decide to stop my complicated relationship.  I make our communication stopped by rejecting a friend request, replying message and blocking all of his contact.  I want to make my mind clear that i dont want to add another complicated things in my life.  From now on, i will stop thinking to much and let it go.

I must admit it, i kinda have no idea what my passsion is.  A passion that i will say i sure to do it for the rest of my life.  This kind of commitment is the hard thing, because i still want more, expect more from this life.  I want more, more and more.

Of course the expectation sometimes the biggest enemy of reality, and here we come: dissapointed.  But as a normal human being, we have a need to be better, to move on, to want more than what we have.  And then last question, what actually we want?