Review on 2012

Baiklah, sudah tanggal 31 Desember 2012. HARI TERAKHIR di 2012. Oke, terus?... Setidaknya saya sudah sangat lega.  Tahun ini bisa saya lewati dengan selamat *sigh*. Sempat terpikir saya tidak akan selamat, mati karena patah hati, misalnya. HAHAHA. Tapi ternyata enggak (atau belum?). Yah, setidaknya saya sudah bisa sampai pada tahap ini, pada level ini.  Pada stage hidup yang bagian ini.

Resolusi tahun lalu saya ada beberapa yang bisa diceklis. Ada beberapa yang masih belum bisa, sedang dalam proses maupun diubah sana sini tapi saya puas, tahun ini, prioritas saya adalah melewatinya dengan waras, dengan tenang dalam perubahan yang tidak saya rencanakan.

Beberapa resolusi tampaknya masih kabur, belum terlaksana namun sudah pada rel nya untuk diwujudkan, semoga saya masih konsisten, beberapa diantaranya adalah menyelesaikan skripsi saya pada gelombang pertama, dan masih banyak hal lainnya.  Saya bukan orang yang mampu disiplin pada jadwal secara terus menerus, tapi setidaknya resolusi membuat saya tetap tahu apa yang saya inginkan tanpa di tengah jalan bingung dengan tujuan hidup saya sebenarnya.  Karena saya merasa saya sering sekali kehilangan arah, hanya menjalani hidup jangka pendek, sekedar bangun pagi dan mengikuti kegiatan full-booked di kampus tanpa ada passion, tanpa ada semangat, tanpa ada tujuan semenjak saya kehilangan salah satu resolusi saya.  Untungnya, saya membuat tidak hanya satu resolusi, dan resolusi resolusi itulah yang membuat saya bertahan dan merasa sesuatu itu lebih 'makes sense'.

Tahun 2012 ini saya tidak terlalu ambisius seperti tahun tahun sebelumnya, mungkin saya belajar dari pengalaman bahwa semuanya mungkin tidak akan berjalan sesuai rencana dan bisa sangat berubah dari apa yang telah saya perkirakan. Kemudian saya juga baru pertama kali merasakan kehilangan yang sangat #jleb bagi saya, yaitu pacar dan anjing kesayangan saya.  HAHA. Baiklah, setidaknya saya masih punya harapan karena tahun ini sudah bisa saya lalui, meski saya kehilangan beberapa semangat yang sangat tidak mencerminkan diri saya sendiri. Saya berjanji kepada diri saya sendiri tahun 2013 ini akan berbeda.  Saya  akan membuka kesempatan, dan semampu saya mencoba lagi yang terbaik.  Tahun ini saya akan lebih kuat, lebih baik karena saya berharap, what doesn't kill me will makes me stronger.  Semoga.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. -Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Walking Away

  

Recently i visit Kuching for around 3 days.  By riding Bintang Jaya's bus for depart and Damri's buss for return.  After 10 hours sit at the bus finally i arrived.  The city is so clean, the public facilities is good.  I think i could enjoy my self there.  The neat country with concious people to following rules.  I dont even spend much time to walk away, just sitting around the cafe and staring, thinking about my self. What i have done in this year, and what lesson i learn.

This is the rough years for me after all.  I had my first fall.  I feel extra for everything.  I feel something more that i never feel before.  I learn and learn.  But i hope i still not missing my hope.  To being better.  To be grateful for what i have now.  This is not about other person.  It is about my decision to taking control of my self, taking control of many things i can't control and try to let it go because life is go on, and i should move on.

There is many more in future, many dreams i can believe rather than stuck with something i cant control.  Its nice to remember all the memories, but what in past, stay in past.  All i have is this present.  And i can do is do my best.  

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld, #32)

Mother. For me.

This is mother’s day.

Okay.  Because now I’m in a holiday and I have time to write this blog.  And today is a mother’s day so I will share some thoughts about my mothers today.

For me, my memories about mother is … hmm… I cant describe it in one word.  I think it’s quite complicated. LOL.

My relationship with my mother is not like the other *sigh*. Its not means we are not love each other.  I know and I really feel her love, and I love her too, I don’t want to see her hurt.  But we don’t really show our love with exact expression, nor a words, nor a hugs.  

When I was young.  My mother always teach me hard, with diciplines and more yells.  And in my memories I always oppositing her when I was child.  We don’t show much affection.

Now at my 21 ages, we are not talk so much like other mother-daughter.  I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t beef about my days.  But we do talk in different ways. We talk to share, we talk to have solution, we talk to give motivation to each other.  I will never show my weakness to her and so do her.  We always talk to each other like we have not a problem.  And from that, we become stronger.

Our relationship is tough, she never spoil me, but she never refuse me.  She always listen, even I must have many reason to make her sure about me.  I must try harder to impress her.  She never hugs me, but she always supply what I need.  She never kiss me in forehead but she always prepare and support my dreams.  She never cry with me but she always try to find solution with me.  And I can’t asking more.

In this mother days, we are not even talking about it because we are not mellow people (?) and it will be funny if we talk about it. LOL. Our family’s atmosphere is more like ‘what we do to make it have sense than celebrate the nonsense, how we really make means to each other than show our affections.

So in this mothers day, I will take a trip with her and my little sister.  I hope at this trip we are not arguing to much because we always push each other *sigh*.

I may try, sometimes, but we are different.  We have different things yet we thinks differently but it doesn’t means we hurt each other.  Because all we want is the best for each other. 

Mom, maybe i cant say this right to you but i'm sorry if i always dissapointed you.  I'm sorry if we are arguing.  I'm sorry if we'll be hard to each other.  I'm sorry.  Because sometimes i am not like what you want.  And i can't accede all you want me to.  I'm sorry to not do what you tell me to do.  I'm sorry to not do what you want.  I'm sorry to not be with your side even you are always in my side. i'm really sorry.

We never give gift to each other suprisingly, if I want, then I ask, or they’ll ask what I need. So one day I ever give present to my dad and he said, why you give us something from our money then laughing, he said he don’t want a gift just want me to be the better child *sigh*.  So I think in this mother’s day I will give her my love that I show in my effort to be better person, to be success like what she wants.  I hope i will be her successful wish.

happy mother's day !

" Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice DEEP LOOKING directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. 

If you cannot understand, you cannot love."

 -Buddha

i cant say

there is something in the air
stopping my breath
when i try to find a light
but i see an empty room in you

when i ask a way
but you offer nothing

losing every inch of you
is the biggest leap
turn around over and over again

say something i cant whisper
to your listening ears
your warm hugs
your bright lips

see the unspeakable words from my eyes
then i would tell you something i cant say

i miss you.
i always be.

Who Watch The Watcher

So recently this hierarchy system may build so good foundation, so reasonable and strong structure.  But what if this system corrupted by incapability person that makes very immoral act.  The harshness that violate people's right.  The unfounded reason that build up to destroy the pure purpose then substituting the act just to feed their ego.  At 'this system' the domination and the power that had by 'the watcher' just violate person's right by broke people's property with the reason to educate.   

Educate? What is the purpose to educate? What is the basic standard of morality, of behaviour? If mostly people judging something, is it really right? What if their conclusion and judgement is basically wrong? who's the protector of the weak and minor people? 

Education basicly from wiki is the general sense of form of learning in which knowledge, skills and habits of a group of people are transferred from one generation to the next through teaching, training, research or simply through autodidactism.  When it comes to experience then we can stand by just one situation, isn't it? So what if this educational purpose go off the track because of the pesonality is have a psychological's problem? 

I dont know, maybe in this (un)fair world, there is so many unfair things too.  Afterall, everything will comes back to ourself, which way we choose to respond? How we can make it fair with the version of ourself? How far and what consequence we can through to make the justice?

From my perspective, some problems and unjustice will neglect if we don't know the better solution or the smart way to protect ourself or we dont have authority to change.  But people will remember, violate will make scars to people's heart and they can take their own conclusion how to react.  To make the lesson learned and stay away from problem's we can't control then just focus to our bigger purpose.  To make a better change.  Can we?

Pull the string, and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will go nowhere at all.

-Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Political Will

Aristotle said, human is zoon politicon. It comes from the idea that when we grow, instinctly grow our individualist characters, the passion to feed our ego.  Sometimes it can comes immoral, or egoistic based by principles we had.  Our interest, could be very ambitious or low, based by our individual character.  Finally it could end up to the power issues.  How we have power to feed our needs, by the resources.  The resources in this world is limited, so we compete each other to have an access to that.  John Locke said it is valid to do everything needs to get what we want, lay aside everything that may people see not right.

Ambitious goal, i think is the most motivational trigger for us to reach our limit, to maximize our potential.  But also, can't deny the morality things.  The basic principles of morality that also synchronize with our pure heart, it is the kindness, equality, equity, liberty, goodness value that could we apply to our daily principles.  So what we do are not conflicted with ourself.  Doing something good, is also give us a composure because we do something right, or we'r on the right path that can't harm another.  In this complicated human's behaviour we can't stand by ourselves.  We live in a social environment that also needs our empathy, careness, friendship, connection to make us feel more alive.  To not only feed our ego but also feed our basic need to give, share, love and have a social life.  So finally it will come to us again, what would we do to complete our needs? What path would we choose?

In politics, there are many issues that may ruin our perception about whats going on.  The greedy politican, the cheater one could make people losing trust.  People start to feel betrayed because of so many cases that we read on newspaper, watch in television and see with our own eyes that something is going wrong in this system.  The corruption, collution and nepotism is the ugly disease start make our system collapse.  People start whisper the badness of politics then the chaos start when this country lead by someone who people can't trust.  Government will lose their legitimate and their authority to make the rule when people start to ignore and revolt.  I hope this phenomenon will not happen, because i still optimist with the potential of the youth people.  The new idea has come based by people's loathe of the foul system, the new methods of leadership, the new reformation's of bureacration has developed to bring changes.  One of the interesting methods of leadership i admire for now is Jokowi-Ahok because the spirit and the right idea to come lower, going down to collect the voice of minority people.  Then, they are comes from independent's lane, even could bring some intern issues, but also they can think out of box to not really affect by many interest and responsibility to sets their political party's will.  

Then sometimes i wonder, can i make any difference in this system?  How could i participate and involve to not just curse the darkness but also have a capability and chance to light a candle ? So when i asked to myself i had a question comes back to me, what i will do to make it? how far i will make an effort to make it happen?  So with this path and what i do now, this only possible direction for me to reach my own satisfaction is to doing this right.  I hope.

“A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.” 
― Barack Obama

Sesuatu yang Berhenti

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
daripada mendoakan kebahagianmu diam diam
jauh ketika cahaya pun sudah memudar di muka bumi
di tempat yang terasing
yang telah lama kau tinggalkanku sendirian

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
dalam ketertinggalanku mengejar langkahmu
yang tidak lagi menapak bersamaku
beriring namun sudah tak saling memeluk
subuh saja telah tak mampu memadamkan

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
ketika melihat kau tertawa bahagia
di depan kelopak mata
ketika jantungmu hanya berjarak sedetak jantungku
dan kehilanganmu hanya sedenyut nadiku
tapi cintamu tak lagi tersisa

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit
ketika ku tak mampu bersuara,
berbicara dan mendengarmu
tapi sisa hangat senyummu
masih tersenyum dalam relung yang terdalam
menertawakan kegagalanku

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit
ketika kau sudah mampu bahagia
mencari cinta dan terang dunia
dan ku hanya sesunggukan
menunggu yang tidak pernah ada
tidak akan pernah kembali.

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit?
daripada mencintaimu terus menerus...
mungkin tanpa berhenti
ketika kau telah lama berhenti ?

The Chaos System

In this unperfect lifes, chaos systems, awkward moments and coincidences we stands.  Sometimes we dont have capacity to do action, even our mind make a better solution, or sometimes we speak unspeakable word about what's right or not right.  Sometimes we just grumble, and feeling sad about how bad the situation could go.  We losing our trust to government, then we losing our trust to people.  After that, we losing hope that make us more ignore about what happening around.  Because we know the situation couldn't be better and not right based by our judgement.  Mostly i feel the similar ways about this world behind my eyes that makes me pessimist about where i will go in this chaos system.  When my brain and my mind speaks critically inside, i know i losing my capability to trust the universe.  I know i losing hope when i can't do anything about the wrong policy, wrong people who lead, wrong situation that just felt not right.  Sometimes i feel i can't do anything and my action can't change anything and make any impact to anyone.  

The chaos system, comes from the behaviour of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions.  Small differences in initial conditions yield widely diverging outsomes for such dynamical systems, rendering long term prediction impossible in general, well said from wikipedia.org.  That definitions comes from mathematics' diciplines study but also can we applied to this amateur philosophy thought.  How we can jump from this static situation, and because of small differences, the determinant could trigger the ripple effect to the biggest scale.  What we predict now, this second, this moment, what we thought about something now, could be so different after this second passed, things changed, little cells of our micro body moved.  Then we comes to the conclusion: nothing going constant in this chaos, noone survive forever, then if the conclusion is everything have the same possiblty to change, little things can make things going differently, that means we also have our time to grow, to move, to feel the new things, to see this world with another perspective, to not being constantly boring or constantly wrong or constantly not right, because nothing constant, isn't it?

Then we still have a chance to do our best to wait for opportunity, to wait the 'not constant' chaos to disturbed because of unknow and unidentify things then make another chaos.  Our chaos.

I will do my best while i'm waiting, don't you?

“A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” 
― Maya Angelou

This Weekend

So finally i got ib or permission to go outside my dorm from this thursday, friday, saturday and sunday.  I don't have absolute planning.  Maybe the essence of having holiday is not have busy planning, just being lazy.  But, i dont like the idea of just stay at home.  I want to go out, doing something else.  Being busy, being productive.  I want to have many many experience, to feel more in this life.

the skyfallaughing :))

... Just the right moment after i watched skyfall. LOL.

SkyFall

 pict here

So I just watched another James Bond movie, Skyfall.  Feature Daniel Craig as James Bond, the 007 secret agent.  The enemy, is Javier Bardem as Raoul Silva or Tiago Rodriguez that have a revenge to M, James Bond’s boss.  Quite interesting and palpitating because the action scene from train and high tower.  That makes the action seems really impossible to do (even I want to survive on that scene, lol).  Even from my common observe and taste, I think the James Bond Girl are not satisfied because as long as I can remember the girls is always hotter and younger than this edition.  

Then after I give this shallow comment after I watched skyfall and grumbling about how I cant find this Adele’s soundtrack song at 4shared, maybe I can continue my study for mid, then I must have preparation to this comprehensive test about 3 weeks again and prepare my manuscript.  This month will be busy too with my campus’ 5th  anniversary event that I will organized with my friends.  I think this would be my last contribution to this campus, after manuscript to do.  So, wish me luck ! :)

good point

source

Why We Write

We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans — because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone- because we have the impulse to explain who we are. Not just how tall we are, or thin… but who we are internally… perhaps even spiritually. There’s something, which impels us to show our inner-souls. The more courageous we are, the more we succeed in explaining what we know.

Maya Angelou on Why We Write
http://thoughteconomics.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/why-we-write.html

Inspire

Not so much things in this world really attract me.  Not the boring class, not the ceremony, not the routine in my dorm and absolutely not the washing time. I am not really feel motivated these days.  Just skip class and sleep.  Feel bore about the routine but sometimes need to involve and participate in society's life. Sometimes too much thoughts just makes me careless about the little things happen, makes me ignore because the normative things bore me.  Like attend a class, i may have nothing to do but when i must sit in a class for many hours i start to feel empty, bore and not really give my full attention to whats going on.  I start to feel not care.  Not because class is not important, i also will have mid semester next week but i feel lack of spirit. Maybe my mind is distract, i start not focus about what i am doing here.  I forget my reason to be here, sit in this bed and live in this bore dormitory.  I just forget about how i feel vibrant when i first got here.  I forget night over night i struggle just to enter the test to get here.  I forget all stuff i sacrifice to be here.  My youths, my freedom, my friends, my chance to be an athlete and so many list that cant be done because i choose this path.  I just forget.  I feel disconnect from who i am before and start to grumble about what i dont have, start to be ungrateful then spent my time wonder about never end 'what-if' question.  

I dont know.  Sleep just relax me more than ever recently.  Because i already search something that makes me feel empty. Something i can't fight.  Then i know i can't.  I can't do that.  There is something i can't have and something would makes me feel incomplete.  And i must start life with that, not spoiled and grumble about it over and over again.  I must start the connection with my feeling, my passion and my ambition now.  I will start over again, i think.  The recent practices class just inspire me to life again.  To finish something you start.  To stop giving up, then start to do best.  To do it perfectly, it is not just the perfect output or the perfect results, but the perfect EFFORT by yourself, by your standard, to be the best of what you have right now. So many things that can inspire me and i must light it up over and over again to makes me see clearly about where i am now and start walking or turning around from the direction. I will make it. 

Sunshine

Sometimes God send us a clue about happiness in a little things that exist.  Its our concious to understand, yet to feel.  The dynamic of everything, getting connected somehow to the universe.  Like Rumi's said, Life is a guesthouse and morning is a new arrival.  Never upset too long because life is go on, time is clicking.  Go for what you want and try hard to achieve your goal with vibrant then do it because you like, you love be here.  Try to love the little things, try to love life.

For me, it is just your clueless smile in the morning and give me the spirit to feel more positive in life.  For you who didnt notice yet, or you actually notice then ignore.  Seeing and believing you just give me the sunshine effects, i can't have sun, but i still able to enjoy the sunshine without take it for my self. I can feel the sunshine without make it darker to others.

Sincerely,

Love.

Silence Morning

He came to me asking for something i cant handle.  He came with his skill to making me laugh and forget about the awkward feeling.  He makes me comfortable, yet curiousity.  Not again.  Not again in my life...
He's the old feeling that i develop little by little then i ignored.  He is the one that surround when i need someone to carry on.  He is the one that making me forget even a little about this may be hard.  He makes me forget that he's already have another person.

Sometimes i wonder in this life, is the parallel universe exist.  How things could be so different if i had make a small choice in my life that turn my future's path.  I dont want to be naive.  I need to be loved, then loving someone.  Then when i have a feeling to someone i became selfish, i just want to keep it for my self.  I became very selfish.  I need to fix things.  I dont want to play.  Because i think now i grow up, not to playing around.  It is just not me.

In this silence morning.  I just want to thankful.  You was there.  With me.  Laughing about our silly stuff.  Then just gazed when talked about feelings.  It is my fault to make it too heavy.  We have different purpose, then just stop by for a little while to entertained by our laugh.  I asking too much from you.  And you just cant.  Not now, or maybe not forever.  I must be thankful for your existence that bring some light, but you are not forever, and not means to be forever.  You are there just to acknowledge me to be happy at the moment then not think about the future that scares, or the past that left scars.  You remind me that i allowed to be happy just right there, beside you and just at that moment without asking more.  It is enough.  For me.  And for you.  It supposed to be enough.

Passion

I just spent my hours by re-read the manga that always makes me inspire. Glass mask.  About Kitajima Maya who have passion to be actress.  In some ways, that story touch me then i ask my self, how far i'll go to reach my dream? What purpose that can makes me so determine to get ? Then the question continued, what i love most in this world? I dont know, some time life is not strictly clear for me.  I can do some things as a hobby like i like reading, watching movie, listening music and surfing in internet.  But i think it just to spend time.  My really goal in the future is be a bureaucrat, that for now i go into this college and change some things. But i dont think my goal is just to be a bureaucrat or civil servant.  I think i want to be the best in my field, to be an expert at what i do. In my colllege, i like politics, parties, policy and other subject that need analyze and read other's reference but not really good at numbers.  I really want to be a person who know what i want then keep persistence to reach it and cant hear a no.  Stubborn? I think it is okay as if i dont make some harm to others and not ignoring others.  I will turn it as a positive way to keep me moving.  I want to expert what i do now.  I dont want to spent years just for a waste things.  I want to be something.  And this journal will keep accompany me and right after i read this i hope i will always remember the reason i be here, in this dormitory away from family and away from the warmth of home.  I hope i always remember the reason to keep me have more passion in what i do.  To avoid myself doing something wasteful and just blank at what i do.  To making me clear about my path.  To keep moving on.

The Consciousness

Recently i just got some issues in my life.  The hole when i take a deep breath.  The moment that torture me when i'm alone.  All of that just makes me feel more hate and anger.  After months, finally i can get my head clear and move on.  The contemplation of what i'm doing right now, the hole that haunt me, the incomplete feeling that i must realize.  I step forward, i being honest.  No more hate, no more anger.  I try to manage that with clear the problem and start the communication.  I dont know it is right or not.  At least, it gives me closure.  Closure that finally place me to see in other's people eyes.  Closure that means acceptance, that none of us is perfect.  Neither do i.

That moment just give me more time to lay in my bed then think.  To making deep contemplation, try to more understand whats going to my life.  That missing feeling that hold me from move on and enjoying my life.  Because i'm so tired of all this drama and people who escape.  I just want to make it clear to myself, for what i'm gonna do next and left all behind.

For now, i will stay focus on my self that i ignored.  I must learn more about my self, i must love myself trully first on that i can love others trully too.  People change, i change and i want to make what i went through give me more great life to increase my quality as a human-being.  I will never stop trying, to knowing more, to understand more whats the best for me.  And when i'm busy of that i want to make sure i will be my self then dont do bad to others, to give more, love more sincerely without mush ego and selfish things.  I try to let go and just live the life as God's plan and offer.  Maybe i will get another luck, who know ?

#1

Could you face your darkest fear ?

Hujan

Rintik menderu dalam kelabu biru
di selaksa nan jauh kutemukan rindu yang menggempar
air mata kuteteskan sedikit, mengenangmu
dijawab sunyi yang bisu
dalam cerita yang tak lagi menggebu
kuhabiskan malam, tersedu
sedikit deras terhampar menukik batu batu jalan
kusiulkan sebuah nada
mengantarkan kepergian
selamat tinggal
kusaksikan hujan membasuh semua
biarlah duka yang menghapuskan segala

Karma ?

In my past, there are several things i hope i didn't do.  My silly and stupid mistakes that may harm and hurt other's people feeling.  But its how life goes and we are capable to move on with our lifes.  What matter then when the ripple effect of what are you doing in your past, maybe somehow connect to your present then one feeling comes out.  Guilt.  So i think, karma is just another version and dimention of something you do to others then makes you the feel that you are responsible, that you are somehow feel emphaty to people you hurt, that guilt will follow, then will attack you when the time is comes.
For now, i think i still have a chance to move on with my life, follow some of my 'basic instinct' to set me free.  I can't really stop feeling angry, but at least i could make it positive and think more about how the ripple effect will affect my entire life, it will lead me to a question, is it worth to do ? Is the satisfaction balances with the risk ? I can't hate my self for feeling and being completely human.  But i think i could decide whats the best for me now, can i ?

12 October 2012

Nothing as sweet as love.  It could reflect things that happen, touched so many human.  But its a way how we choose, to feel or not.  Love will comes around, now its your turn to make it better you, or to destruct yourself.

This October, on my birthday i feel that love comes around me, as a way of God's invicible hand to give me. Love will always there with so many shape.  Its our decide to defend what kind of love's shape.

Life is a journey, unexpected, a riddle that sometimes confuse us. In this age, just remind me of paramore's song...

I feel happy, I feel sad

I feel like running through the walls

I'm overjoyed, I'm undecidedI don't know who I am

Well, maybe I'm not perfect, 

at least I'm workin' on it,

22 is like the worst idea that I have ever had

It's too much pain, it's too much freedom

What should I do with this?

it's not the way you plan itIt's how you make it happen

Yeah, it's how you make it happen...

-paramore, hello cold world

Its a cold world, sometimes, its our choice to stay in a warm bed or run to make ourself sweat.

Well, in this birthday, i will be thankful for friends, people around me that being so nice, my internet connection, especially my family that i believe are angels God sent me.

I hope i will be the better version of my self, will get so much love by give it to people around me too, will get my target accomplish, will fill my empty space, will get the best from the world, then can choice all the great things in life.

I wish.  Many things can be real.

yeah

You

This is my last letter for you, at least the last we keep in touch after that night.  And for me, i hope it will be clearer than before.

Dear love,

For me, at first i dont believe the craziness of love.  My last relationship just one month, and thats the longest relationship i ever had.  Then i dont believe in fool things in love.  For me before, love always rational, with all my doubtness and calculation.  I always keep my self from hurting, before i know my bf cheated on me, i am the one who tell them i will left.  I always left before i be bore with them.

With you, i start to know how love feels like, i know how i can be comfortable with a man i dont know.  I learn how to be happy, irrational, and accept something i dont like.  With you i learn to lost control of my anger, my desire and hurtful jealousy.  With you i learn about the real pain and i cant believe i can cry for days and days.  To be with you is something irrational and fool thing i ever done.  To be uncontrol, to be fooled, to be pathetic.  

But after all, i must admit that, to be with you is something i can resist.  After all, i will find my self looking at you and feel the same things.  Even in pain, pathetic things i done, it would back to the same results.  I still can't lie about one thing.  I still love you afterall.  Even now, i learn new things, to let go something i doesn't belong anymore.  To let you free even i dont want to.  To let you feel happines because i'm not by your side.  To be sincere keep this feeling then just give it away for you.  To be patient and strong, thankful for what i ever feel before and now.  No matter if you just cant love me back.  Because its the sicerest things i ever feel.  To love you, even knowing you cant love me back.  Sounds pathetic? No, i dont think so.  I thinks its make me sure, its love.

And for now, i just make sure i keep do the best thing for you, to go away from you.  That you sure makes you happier.  I will let love keep me stronger.  I may dont know where it goes, but I know the love comes from God, so its the best that allowed to happen now.  I just make sure i'll be grateful then enjoy all the things God makes me feel and do something positive about it. :)

pergilah

*lemukutan island

Tidak pernah ada yang mudah dalam mencintaimu.  Pun tidak juga menjadi mudah ketika aku harus meninggalkanmu.  Sedikit demi sedikit.  Mencintaimu adalah ketegaan terbesar bagi diriku sendiri.  Begitu pula dengan meninggalkanmu.  Menjejakkan langkah dalam realita selangkah demi selangkah masih menyisakan nafas yang sesak dan batin yang takut menjejak.  Kamu akan selalu menjadi lubang yang terus menerus kugali untuk kuburku sendiri.  Cintamu adalah satu satunya bahasa yang mampu ku baca ketika logika hanya bolak balik melakukan permainan rasa.  Pemahaman adalah kata yang mustahil ketika cinta hanya datang. Dan kita hanya terdiam.  Menikmatinya.  Ketika waktunya pergi.  Maka hanya masalah waktu ketika aku atau kamu yang beranjak menyerah terlebih dahulu.  Untuk bergegas pergi ke arahnya selanjutnya… Untuk kemudian saling melupakan… Atau berusaha saling meninggalkan.

Movie's series : Touch

picture's source

The film start from the idea of indigo child, that usually indicated to autism.  In this movie, the child is also can read the 'red thread' that was the myth.  The myth said that somewhere the red thread is exist, control us, then sometimes it could be loose or tight, but never breaks.  Its amazing how this idea that developed in this story goes, how small things could make other many versions of probability could happen.  How little things in your life could effect so many more after.  I could shed tears while i watching, not because of romantic plot , but really touch.  How things could be beautiful because of little things at fate's play.  It inspire me to make another though of why i exist in this world, what kind of purpose, what i suppose to be or to do? Does what happen to me now, is my choice? or is it the better for me or i can have another chance to get all things right?
For now, i think i still have a big hole in my heart, sometimes i think i losing something, something unfinish, sometimes i just need a closure at what i desire.  But this is life, the process you are going through.  At the end its not the end of our life, we know all of us will facing death, its the process, its the journey you will going through.  New people, new idea, new perception, new situation that may happening to you when you are not ready yet to release your past.  I feel it.  How i still adhere to my past and how it left the hole in my heart.  Is this the best chance to happen to me or is this the purpose why i life for now? To fill the empty hole with so many things, peoples, dreams and many more? I still dont know yet.  But i really want to believe it could turn to great things.  Or may i need some luck to keep my insanity to through this life.  Anyway, i really loveee this series, make me keep open mind and think to believe in fate because it may bring us to the right place even now we feel the different.  Can't wait to see next episodes !!! :)

-ko

Lemukutan Island

Last Friday-Saturday, 20-21 September i just went to Lemukutan Island, with the connection my friend had with the owner of small house at that island and for rent the boat. Me and my friends, about 25 people was went there.

I feel so relaxed, and have time to talk about absurd things with my friend, B.  At the night i just have time alone, sitting in the darkness to think about so many things that happened in my life.

Sometimes i have a dream to life simply like at the village with peaceful place, no crowd, no technology, close to the beach and close to the nature.  Then all the things in this world i should worry just about how i survive then eat, then sit along day with real physical things.

I really like this holiday, because its not just a holiday, it can give me more inspiration to life.  Then i can give my best at what i have because i have the comparison and see about people at other's conditions life.  Sometimes i just wonder what if i born in some different life, and think am i happy with what i get?  Or can i be happy if i feel the other's side of fate?

I still have no idea, and life is full of mystery, but i really want to enjoy what the universe give to me.  It is the only things i have.


-k.o

My Grown Up Puppy

Don't you remember about my puppy, now he grow up, his childhood spend at our backyard and play around with my kitty and now they are BFF.  With all the controversy bringing this dog to our home, i learn so much about different point of view of people.  I feel so thankful to my 'openminded' family, and face things wisely.  So i feel so supported with all of my action, thought from my family even i know everyone around me judging.  Sometimes the right things is not right, and wrong things can't be so wrong.  From my family i learn to make some decisions with consider so many things, then let it all go.  People can judge, or talk about anything.  But finally, the important matter is what's really in you.

armywedges

Just grab my old jacket then mix it with piece of my necklace, then making some new mix.
When things are getting complex, think simply. Breath every breath then smile to cheers up your day :)

Perempuannya

Ia melihat perempuannya tersenyum

Seperti nyala lilin dalam malam yang gelap dan dingin

Maka ia biarkan dirinya kedinginan

Dan mendekapnya agar nyalanya tak jadi beku

Ia mencintai kelopak mawar yang merekah bersinar mekar

Namun tak pernah sampai hati memetiknya

Apalagi membawanya pulang untuk menemani sepinya

Ia busur panah,

Yang akan melepaskan anak panahnya melesat jauh

Sedang ia diam, tak bergerak di tempat

Namun lengkung senyumnya tak pernah berbalik arah

Ia yang mendoakan kebahagian kecilnya diam diam

Dari jauh, diam diam tak perlu diketahui

Telah cukuplah baginya bahagianya

Telah cukuplah baginya tanpa apa apa

14 September 2012. Pontianak, Asrama tengah lapangan
diantara hujan kembang api

*terinspirasi dari kisah seorang teman :)

Suara

Kuteteskan mataku dalam air di matamu

Tenggelam dalam menggapai udara

Sesak

Berjalan menengadah seperti pejuang

Walau hati sudah kalah dan raga tlah lelah

Semoga mati semoga mati

Semoga mati lebih baik

Daripada hancur berkeping

Merangkak dalam peluru berdesing

Malam ini aku ingin jadi mereka

Yang tidur tenang tanpa pikiran

Tapi apalah artinya

Aku ingin terkubur dalam pahitnya

Merasa getir getirnya

Menantang gelisah memperkara gulana

Tidak ada sedih yang mampu menyaingi kesedihan

Ia yang tak mampu lagi menumpahkan airmata

Namun sesak, menelanjangimu hingga ke akar dada

Aku penantang maut

Seketika hidup meskipun tanpa rasa

Menerjang sepi merekakan sunyi

Tapi kupejamkan mata

Dan akan kucoba hingga nanti menikmati hampa

Hatiku berkata lama lama terbiasa juga

Pontianak, 14 September 2012

kau menang

picture from here

hari masih muda
ketika angin lembut mengalun manja
aku lupa dan bersenandung bicara

kau menjerit diam

tatapanmu sedingin air yang membasuhku subuh buta
ketika embun baru saja jatuh
dan kegelapan berkonspirasi membekukan

tiba tiba saja tempat aku bersandar itu
bertransformasi jadi pekik memekakkan
kututup telinga tapi tak menutup apa apa

luruh

gemuruh

di tengah hari siang bolong

aku jatuh
beku
mati rasa

dan aku,
pada akhirnya

tunduk pada sakit
menyerah
pada kalah

kau menang,
kau menang

Adam

picture here

Ia semerdu siulan burung burung kecil di pagi hari
di padang hijau yang luas
mendamaikan

wajahnya cerah oleh harapan
dahinya berpeluh oleh keletihan
tapi di bibirnya tersungging senyum
untuk mentari yang bersinar
setelah gelap pergi

Ototnya berpeluh tentang perang
mulutnya selalu diam bila tak bercerita tentang keindahan
jiwanya bebas sebebas elang
namun hatinya selalu rindu akan pulang

ia jauh disana
namun tak pernah diragukan
ia telah berjalan menyebrangi tujuh samudera
melampaui benua benua
namun ia tidak pernah meninggalkan
rumahnya yang kecil

nuraninya yang kuat
hatinya yang seindah senja

dan setiap rindu akan pulang
ia selalu menundukkan jiwa dan hatinya
ketika lima kali setiap hari
ia menyuruhnya menunggu di sana
di tempat mereka pertama kali bertemu

Sedikit Lagi

masih ada sesak yang tersisa
ketika tangis yang keluar
menunggu

ketika kerlingan yang aneh dari sudut matamu
menghancurkanku

masih ada hari hari yang tersisa
sebelum kita saling meninggalkan satu sama lain
dan takkan bertemu sama lagi

masih ada sedikit lagi waktu menyisakan
hari hari terakhir
aku menemukanmu di tempat ini
di tempat semuanya berawal

berakhir tidak akan lama lagi
ketika kita kembali
ke jalan kita masing masing
dan tidak akan pernah
saling menemukan lagi

aku tidak ingin mengucapkan selamat tinggal
aku tidak pernah mau kehilangan kepastian menemukanmu di sudut itu
meskipun semuanya sudah tidak akan pernah sama lagi
meskipun semuanya akan saling meninggalkan, tidak dalam keabadian

selamat tinggal sebentar lagi
kita akan menemukan jalan
untuk tidak pernah saling menemukan

dan untuk hari itu
kusiapkan hati
agar tidak tumpah
dan mengemis
sisa sisa kenangan
yang manis namun menjadi pahit

*ir

The Bourne Legacy : Review

Director : Tony Gilroy
Main Cast : Jeremy Renner as Aaron Cross
Rachel Weisz as Dr. Martha Stewart
Watch : Saturday, 1 September 2012
Theater 4 - 15.00

Awalnya nonton ini karena tertarik untuk melihat aksinya Jeremy Renner setelah jadi Hawkeye di The Avengers.  Kemudian karena ini adalah film action, maka wajib nonton di XXI.
Saya juga bukan penggila bourne franchise yang dulunya dimainkan Jason Bourne atau Matt Damon atas nama bourne identity, dll. Bahkan jalan ceritanya hanya sedikit-sedikit.  Tentang identitas sang proyek rahasia pemerintah yang kemudian ditutup dan disembunyikan ke publik.

The Bourne Legacy juga hampir sama jalan ceritanya, dimulai dari konspirasi pembuat kebijakan yang berujung penghancuran operasi rahasia yang mengembangkan virus untuk merubah gen manusia sehingga mampu menjadi senjata penghancur untuk negara.  Berujung pada bocornya pembicaraan bisnis ke youtube yang tiba tiba membuat proyek rahasia yang bernama outcome ini ditutup.  Kemudian kepala lab nya tiba tiba membunuh semua orang di lab dalam proyek ini, menyisakan satu orang yang selamat, Dr. Martha Stewart yang kemudian diselamatkan Aaron dari orang-orang yang ditugaskan membunuhnya.  Seems like a real gentleman (plus sixpack) hero! :)) kemudian Martha membalas dengan membantu Aaron Cross yang lari dari Atlanta dan berhasil beruntung kabur dari ledakan.

Cerita pun bergulir dalam kejar-kejaran berbagai polisi, FBI dan agen rahasia yang berlomba lomba membunuh Aaron dan Martha, hingga sampai ke Vietnam dimana Martha bisa meracik obat agar Aaron lepas dari ketergantungan virus, untuk kemudian permanen mengunci genetik yang telah dikirim oleh virus tersebut beberapa tahun.

Epic lah. Adegan dengan motor menembus kemacetan yang panjang itu noted banget sama adegan lari larian di atap penduduk Vietnam yang hectic banget plus gang gang sempit.  But, i actually kesel sama endingnya? Why? Karena akhirnya Rachel and Jeremy get lost berdua. Ditutup dengan adegan di kapal layar. Envy ! Hahaha

picture source

Ketika kau dan aku bertemu

Kita bertemu pada suatu senja yang kelabu.  Penuh dengan usapan semu.  Penuh penat ketika masa lalu itu hanyalah bayang-bayang yang mengganggu.
Kamu lelah.  Aku lelah.  Kita hanya telah lelah dengan kepenatan.
Aku hanya rindu.  Tenggelam dalam tenang ketika bibirmu mengecupku untuk mengucapkan selamat malam.
Dan kita menghabiskan kebosanan bersama.  Hujan di luar.  Hangat bersamamu.  Hanyalah ketenangan.
Jalan pulang.  Telah lama tak kurindukan.  Aku pun merindukannya lagi.

Ketika kita bertemu lagi.  Jangan lelah dengan penat, jangan lelah dengan bosan.  Karena untuk itu kita ada. Untuk itu kita saling menemukan.  Aku rindu jalan pulang.  Bersamamu.  Berulang-ulang.
Dulu bagiku cinta itu hanya satu dan aku hanya mengerti satu yang kupunya.  Yang berakhir dengan penyesalan, pengecualian, dan kepedihan dalam suatu peninggalan.
Tapi bersamamu, aku bebas.  Aku bebas mencintai.  Aku bebas untuk bosan berulang-ulang. Aku bebas untuk sedih, untuk menangis, untuk merindu yang tak bisa kurindukan. Bersamamu aku menemukan jalan keluar dari tanya yang menghimpit.  Ketika hidup yang kulalui terlalu monoton, jemu.
Bersamamu bahagia itu sederhana, kecil kecil dan sedikit sedikit namun membahagiakan.

Ketika kau dan aku bertemu suatu saat nanti lagi.  Sampaikan salamku pada seluruh tanah yang telah kau jejaki, sampaikan salamku pada alam yang berbeda, orang orang yang berbeda, perasaan perasaan berbeda yang telah kau lalui untuk kemudian kau ceritakan padaku.  Pergilah menjelajahi dunia.  Pergilah jauh, kemudian dekaplah aku di seluruh samudera yang kau temui.

Ketika kau dan aku bertemu suatu saat nanti.  Hiburlah aku.  Buatlah aku tertawa dalam diammu, dalam ketenanganmu.  Buatlah aku menangis karena merindukanmu.  Buatlah aku takut kehilangan.  Buatlah aku rapuh.  Untuk kemudian jatuh, kemudian belajar dari kejatuhanku dan mencintai lagi.  Mencintai kamu satu kali lagi.

Ketika kau dan aku bertemu suatu saat nanti.  Peluklah aku.  Lama.  Dan jangan pernah kau lepaskan lagi.

#septemberloveletter

untuk kehilangan

rindu menyapa dalam senyawa tawa
menghembus pelan pelan
ragu
dalam kedip matamu aku rindu
dalam senyummu aku rindu
dalam hangatmu aku rindu
dalam tenangmu aku rindu
sedikit demi sedikit
lambaian semilir meninggalkan
biarkan saja aku terbuai
terjebak kesendirian yang memilukan
dan bosan yang menyedihkan
kuciptakan ulang tangisku
agar sedikit merasuk pedihmu
sejenak di lukamu aku menunggu
untukmu, yang menemukan
kemudian kehilangan

au revoir

senja menyapa, celah diam bertanya
menanyakan sisa sisa cinta
kisah ini baru kubuka di lembaran kedua
baru kusapa dalam rangkulan doa doa
bilurkan aku dalam dosa
rentangkan aku dalam jelaga
jika mencinta adalah hina
leburkan aku sepenuhnya hingga jera
hancurkan aku yang akan lelah akhirnya
kau lenyap tiba tiba
perlahan saja
meninggalkan jelaga dalam duka duka

ir -
au revoir

Dear God

Big hurricane. Is the way i describe what i feel just right now.  The concept of loving someone and being loved. The different path of what other people's think, mind.  I step to the point where i really can say things like i'm tired and sick of this.  I want a change.

I want a change to make me feel better, happy, complete again.  Can I?

I dont know either.

Maybe life is the proccess, learn, and learn again.

You can do this, if you want...

God, are You there? Are you hear my sadness? Can you tell me everything gonna be okay then?
I tired erase my own tears, hold myself when i feel alone.

I know, its not You. Its me not doing better.
I hope, someday you will hear.

I really sorry.

yang biasa

Just make soundcloud ! :  karinaoktriastra

Then record myself read one of my poet, and backsound from here, you can see it on my latest post here , :)
happy idul fitri everyone.  mohon maaf lahir dan batin .

untuk yang kehilangan

ada rindu yang mengalun
berbisik pelan pelan
berhembus jauh jauh
ada bahagia yang terselip
kekecewaan yang kadang terlupa
isyarat yang mengacuhkan pertanda
entah mengapa
ada perhatian yang mengintip
dari cinta yang semakin sulit
ada kehilangan yang panjang
jeda kebosanan yang memilukan
untuk yang pernah menemukan
kemudian kehilangan

alone

source here

Lagi Pengen Sendiri

steven jam - feel the vibration album 

Menyendiri nikmati malam yang gak berbintang
Tanpa rembulan bikin gue cukup tenang
Walau yang terjadi oh menyakitkan
Mengecewakan tapi gue tetap tenang

saat sepi saat hayati, perlu konsentrasi tingkat tinggi
Jadi biar gue sendiri, coba pahami yang tlah terjadi

Reff:
Bukan gak mau berbagi, gue harap loe mau ngerti
Gue cuma lagi pengen sendiri, cuma sendiri
Bukan gak mau ditemeni, bukan juga gak menghargai
Gue cuma lagi pengen sendiri, cuma sendiri

Repeat *
Repeat reff [2x]

Sendiri yeahh cuma sendiri yeah

...

... simple lyric, simple instrument, simple honest :)

seduhan kopi

Berbisiklah sedikit, bergumam tentang perpisahan.  Malam ketika ku terpejam. Hapuskanlah semua kenangan.  Tidak akan pernah ada gunanya. Keterlaluan mencintai tidak pernah ada artinya. Semu, sia dan hina.  Sanggupkah kau menginjaknya lagi pelan pelan.

Aku hanya cahaya yang tersilaukan oleh gelap. Aku tidak ingin pergi, hanya karena aku tidak ingin kembali. Aku takut.

Jika cinta adalah luka. Dan aku memilih tenggelam. Lama dan terpuruk. Tapi itu dulu. Ketika aku buta. Ketika aku tidak mampu melihat.

Duka dan lara dalam cinta adalah fatamorgana. Cinta harusnya membebaskan, memberikan inspirasi, memberikan kehidupan. Bukan mematikannya.

Lepaskanlah sayap itu perlahan, sedikit demi sedikit. Menginjak bumi. Mengetahui lantai lantai yang kasar dan dingin. Peluklah kesendirian. Berjalanlah jauh sendirian. Berjalanlah pulang, sambil menari tanpa mengingat lagi kesedihan.
Nikmatilah perjalanan yang masih panjang ini. Selamilah samudera, terbanglah sesekali dan pergilah jauh. Tapi ingat, untuk kembali suatu waktu. Sedikit mengenang, kemudian menyenandungkan dan melupakannya. Tutuplah mata dan telanlah ia bulat bulat dalam kegelapan. Mungkin akan butuh waktu lama. Mungkin nanti, di tengah jalan kau akan lupa.  Rayakanlah cinta, nikmatilah waktu, nyanyikanlah lagu indah. Mungkin, suatu hari, kau akan menemukan lagi…

xoxo

Vignette Drawing

My drawing

My messy spot

Di tengah masa menunggu liburan, suatu malam yang random dan melukis kanvas kosong yang janggal.  Entahlah, hahaha. Menemui kesulitan juga melukis di kanvas, lebih sulit daripada membuat sketsa.  Sketsa di kertas yang direncanakan juga berubah 180 derajat. Merencanakan melukis dengan tema perempuan dan bunga.  Kesulitan dengan pencampuran warna dan detail.  Hasilnya pun masih jauh dari memuaskan versi saya.  Hmm tapi setidaknya di kala menunggu liburan kali ini saya sudah mencoba hal yang baru satu lagi dan menghasilkan sesuatu.  Melukis.

Total Recall

Kate Beckinsale as Lori Quaid

Jessica Biel as Melina

Collin Farrel as Douglas Quaid / Hauser

photo from here

Director : Len Wiseman

Production Year : 2012

"Bayangkan terbangun dan merasa sangat jemu dan bosan dengan hidup.  Rutinitas, sistem yang tak terjangkau.  Hingga suatu hari, ada sebuah program bernama Total Recall, yang bisa menciptakan kembali ingatanmu.   Mengubah apa yang kita alami, ilusi-ilusi yang direfleksikan secara subjektif menjadi bagian dari diri kita."

Total Recall yang saya tonton, hampir saja terlewatkan kalau tidak sahabat saya, Almizar tiba-tiba datang dan mengajak untuk menonton.  Sempat melirik sekilas total recall versi Arnold Schwanegger, hampir dibuat ilfeel gara-gara drama dan visual yang kurang nyaman dan peralatan yang janggal.  Untung saja, sinematografi di film remake nya ini mampu membuat saya bernafas lega.  Lebih baik secara visual dan oke ! *Sesuai tujuan saya menghabiskan uang jajan menonton di 21, apalagi kalau bukan memanjakan mata dengan action hollywood*.  Walau saja, entah kenapa dalam menonton film ini saya agak terganggu dengan ketidaklogisan scene per scene.  Adegan action dan tembak-tembakannya hampir hanya berjarak lolos permilimeter detik dan sangat cepat, membuat saya agak stres. Hahaha.  Tentu saja sangat menyenangkan jika menonton film dan tidak sesuai dengan realita, tetapi mungkin akan lebih nyaman jika tidak terlalu mustahil dilakukan oleh manusia biasa.  

Alur cerita di film ini, juga berbeda dari total recall versi sebelumnya sehingga saya yang was-was kalau ending film ini akan sama seperti adegan polisi masa depan menggerebek Hauser, yang sama persis. Lucunya, jika total recall versi sebelumnya nuansa tempat 'praktek' total recall nya bernuansa masa depan, justru di versi yang sekarang bernuansa cina dan tradisional.  

Tidak terlalu banyak drama, dan full action.  My film's genre, typically. :)