Saturday, April 30, 2011

Welcoming New May

Today is 30th April 2010.  Tomorrow is sunday and i will make it as my own new moment to new resolution.  I love being busy, when i still at highschool, i like to following courses, it feels good when before sleep i feel so tired.  But now here, my participation at marching band that always spent my time was over because its changed to new people, and i have a little much time.  At first, maybe i like to being relax, but i can't handle too much relax because it was makes me got nothing to do.  So, my plan is having any productive activities beside learning matter from college and studying toefl for the next semester test.  Oh my God it is not a long time anymore.  I must well-prepared to keep my score good. And it was make some pressure but i want to more work hard to reach that.  But sometimes i forget and miss my ambition and lack of motivation doing that.

Once upon a time.  I had so many dreams, one of them is being a writer, the first things motivate me is when i be the first winner for short story competition at 'Balai Bahasa' and i got some money from that.  From that i believe i have at least a little skills and i must improve my writing skills.  When i got some achievement, it increase my motivation, my self-confidence, because i grow up that know sometimes people see me like i don't have any capability.  And i don't want to.  I want to be active.  Or at least, not people who don't need to know.  I want to be the part of the world.  And now, i feel some regret about my character that sometimes i ignored people's feeling.  At my social-life now, i don't make any sense, sometimes i don't care about what people said.  But in here, we must care about our social-life to make our self calm and peace.  With conflict, you will be the enemy for everybody. And its not good here when you are too far away from people who loves youu for everything you are (means : family). So if you want to survive you must refreshing your brain to make a good life here and make your place-where-you-spending-most-of-your-time easier.

My dreams : 
1. Being a writer
2. Getting scholarship for my S2
3. Have a simple-minimalist home
4.  Have a nice and peace family
5. Have enough money to caring my family
6. Traveling at around place in world 
7. Have a fun job and capability to doing that

But by time, dreams sometimes changed.  Like my idea for getting married may erased my number 2's dreams to be a career woman, like my mother, who ever getting scholarship at UGM for S2 but she realized she has the grow up children she can't left.  So she can't. And my father who almost reach his dream to have s3 at australia must wash it away remembered his family here. And would be ruined our family's financial. :( Is family ruined our careers life ? could it both make it on the right way? I still don't have idea for my future.  Anyway, i have a believe i don't have to worried about my future.  I just doing my best for now.  The future, then let it be the future. Reality is what you doing now.  So i will get focused and stop to worried to much.  Just doing and prepare for future ! Bismillahirrahmanirahim :)

10 Things About Me

People said noone knows you than yourself.  But i doubt that, sometimes, i don't know much about the fool mistakes i did.  I know, if i think about it again and again, that is nonsense if i do that things, but i do.  Even i know that is not good for me.  Maybe that is something called the woman's sensitiviness to blame.  Sometimes my feeling works more than my logic and i'll be such a drama queen that if i looked at the mirror and see who i am, i would be ashamed.  But when i at that situation, my feelings says to me to do that, and i can't control it. Anyway, i REALLY must delete my bad behaviour and that is, 10 facts you may didn't know about me:

1. I can crying all night long without really knowing what i'm crying for. (Especially when i got PMS)
2. I love sleeping (but sometimes feel guilt about that)
3. Sometimes i want some attention but i'm always in denial
4. I am very jealousy but i don't want to show it
5. I really like a calm situation, that if i have a problem, i want to left alone so i can think by myself.
6. I can't lied to myself, i can't give you a poker face if i hates you, i just keep silent, i can't lie and pretend to be kind.
7. Sometimes i lied (But i really feel guilt)
8. I really like watching movies about the agent FBI, but it must hollywood and beautiful people
9. I like to see people and looking a reason to look at them if they are beautiful
10. I really thinks my bf now is my soulmate
11. I obsess to translate all my languange to English so i can get use to using English
12. I want have a little house, but with modern and minimalist style
13. I don't like to depend anyone else
14.  Forgive me if sometimes my structure is not good because i just like to trying my skills
15. I don't want to tell something good about myself, i want to proof that
16. If i hate people, it always motivate me to doing something better than them
17. Good books, Good movies and Good Song is always make my day !
18. Sometimes i shops and my future haunted me to have more savings.
19. Sometimes i getting annoyed if people ask me about anything if i'm not in a good mood
20. I really like something mysterious but not-too-mysterious !

Well, That is some random things about me. I write it when it raining and i can't go out at my 'out-time'. So i just stay alone at my room and i planned to surfings, reading, and listening music all day long !!!

 (via tumblr)

Happy weekend everyone !

Thursday, April 28, 2011

singing loves

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am. 

the way i am- Ingrid Michaelson

Listening this song this morning.  And feel like, such a butterflies in my stomach.  Love would be never crazier like now.  After all fights, debates, act like a foe, revenge and all the jealousy things.  I still have the feelings.  I really want to fight again, take a chance...


Monday, April 25, 2011

Happy Regional Autonomy’s Day ! 25th April 2011

Regional Autonomy's Day of Indonesia. 25th April 2011

A few of my friends was attended the ceremonial at governor's office that remembered  the regional autonomy's day This Regional Autonomy's day based by Presidential Decrees Number 11, 1965 about Regional’s Autonomy. I just know it has remembered. So i want to have a little post about it.  And forgive me for my english, i just want to try my skill to write in English. :)

The new era of government starts from Law Number 32, 2004 that basically changed the paradigm of government, the Law about Regional Autonomy.  Even that idea with decentralization had been substained at the Law before. But the euphoria of regional autonomy that hopes could bring the new era of democracy still haves so many problems too.

Its just not about to changed the law, but how to implement that at the whole of republic Indonesia, about the relationship between people and state.  Its just not about to increase the regional’s income, its about how the region make sure bring all of them people to the better way without corruption, collusion and nepotism. Its about how we fight the injustice and poverty.  Its about how we make the public policy that really based by public's interest.

And then, we meet another problems, money politic. With the political things that substained at local election, we can’t deny the money politics, the interest politics, how they fight and survive with right or wrong way to stay at they place, if they already have a position, or how they can get the position. They will do so many tricks, but and when they already accomplish their purpose, they will relax and pay their effort to get there who involve many people. They must be thankful too with people who support and help them until they get their position, with make their ‘clients’ as a priority.  That makes the publics, of course must wait from them.

The excellent service is the popular things too, how the governments make a good government that based by transparency, following rule of law, accountable, participatory, consensus oriented, responsive and also equitable and inclusive.  But after the all dynamics of politics and attraction of interest, I can’t agreed more with the popular term “Good Government is Less Government”. Just let people work and government just control about their act so they can’t ruin our country and make a bad effect for environments.  Happy Regional Autonomy’s day people !!! 

Thanks God !

Just staring at my old photos, in my memory, this is me when i want to go to pre-elementary school or called 'taman kanak-kanak' at Ketapang. When i was child, so many blurred memory, and i remember i made many mistakes that makes me feel stupid and silly. Until now, i still makes mistakes that sometimes makes me feel guilt. Sometimes its haunts me. Makes me think about that.  But i know, i must accept the fact that i am human.  Make a mistakes, again and again. Doing something that i must regret.  I must forgive myself. For all the fates that comes to me. And i must sure to make it not happened anymore. Because at life, people made mistakes. I must accept myself.  And working to make it better each day. 

So many precious time spent with my family, before i went to the university that must makes me live at dormitory and following so many rules. One of them is i just can see my family at the weekend, saturday and monday (and 1st year you just can go out once!) its about 4-7 hours.  Then i must go back to my campus.  At first, its really hard to not hearing my mother's called my name in the morning to wake me up and cook for me.  Really felt missing when i lost my 'night-time' with whole my family that we spent to discuss about anything while watching television and played with our cats at our parents bedroom, then silly fight with my sister and my brother.  At first it is so hard to adapt my not-so-dicipline with the dicipline time and rules at my new habbit.  

But its paid when i see that my parent give me a big support to be here.  And i know, this is my time for grow up, from the girl who can't ironing, washing her clothes alone, the girl who hated life with so many people and rather to be alone. Until now i must iron, wash, and live with roommate at one dormitory that filled with another 21 girls and with all the busiest things at my new environment.  All the hatred, joy, love just raised and growth make who i am now.  And i just can be more and more thankful for all the time that God give to me to life and feel another dynamics feelings, included anger, sad, depression a little.  Then i know, nothing to worried, all the problem will heal by time, by life.  World still cirling, and. The show must go on.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Its Ours

At life, thing ends up. Old quotes says nothing last forever.  But i never want it to be happen easily. I want at least i have a chance to do my best. My relationship with him always not in a stable situation. I never want to lose him. But i always makes a mistakes. I know, as a girl i always want to have fun and sometimes i don't think about his feeling. I felt sorrow. I remembered all the precious and beautiful things happen between us. He is the only one who ever in my heart. The one and only. But i'm too fool. I always think i need more break. But he always keep my feeling as a priority and i don't. I realize i want to do anyhthing to make he feel comfort.  We have much unforgettable moment. And i realized i love him so much.

and, uh i'm crying when i read this post, i never want to lose my ones :'(

post's source : here
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I'm a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Movies To You

In my boring time, one of my hobby to killing time at the dormitory is watching DVD !!! Through dvd, i can open my eyes, there is still another life beside my life now. I can see many things without go there or feel another situation that could life gift us. Because at life, we can't know what will be it present to us. We just can sit here and waiting, what else? we wait and prepare ourselves and do best. So we can have a good preparation even never can be one hundred percent. Like my favourite quotations, Victory Loves Preparation... :)

#1 Movie

Last movie i watched is WE ARE FAMILY, india movie that touching heart. Tell us about the broken-home family and the daddy who already have another woman to married, kareena kapoor who are an ambitious career woman try to adapt her life with her boyfriend. Quite romantic, especially when Aman and Kareena looks like fall in love to each other. Hmm. Looks a little bit like me! The messages of the story is if you believe in love, you should always believe to your love and make it last forever for all of your life. The precious moment is when you are around people who you loved and loved you back bigger. Love for everyone !!!

#2 Movie

The second movie i watched is WEDDING DRESS... Don't ask me. Drama korea movies always makes me cry and makes me feels so guilty and sad about my life. The story was epic, i give all my finger for the actrees's act !!! The little kids are so cute and adorable, and the story is close to our life. About a very busy woman that become a mother and not make her daughter as a priority, until her life is changed when she realized that she is sick and not life for a long time anymore... The messages at this story is you just life once, never spent it to something you would regret. Be grateful for every moment you spent with your family, your mom, daddy, children, friends, you will never know when you will lose them. And when you lose them you will never regret that you are already give your best attitude and spent your best moment with them. So, just think more wiser and more realize that every moment should be gratefull.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I Ordered My Wife From The Universe

Di tengah kepenatan mid semester, saya sempatkan membaca sebuah novel karangan Stanley Dirgapradja, yang ternyata lahir di Kalimantan Barat, Anjungan. Yah, buku yang okelah buat menghabiskan akhir pekan saya. Mengenai seorang lelaki gemuk yang kurang percaya diri ketika berhadapan dengan pacarnya yang cantik, padahal ia adalah orang yang mapan dari segi finansial hingga akhirnya dia memilih untuk lepas dari pacarnya ketika terbukti pacarnya berselingkuh. Ternyata hanyalah ketidakpercayadirian dari sang pacar yang malah juga merasa tidak pantas untuk bersama lelaki gemuk itu karena terlampau baik. Hingga akhirnya lelaki gemuk itu memilih kenalannya dari dunia maya yang duduk di kursi roda.

Cerita yang lumayan menghibur di tengah kepenatan mid yang akhirnya selesai hari ini namun masih dilanjutkan dengan 2 lembar soal take home exam.  Cerita itu membuat saya teringat dengan banyak kisah cinta yang tak terduga akhir-akhir ini. Memang kisah cinta itu, tidak sedikit yang tidak dramatis, bahkan jika dipikir ulang sudah seperti sinetron murahan yang tayang berulang-ulang dengan juara episode kesekian, tidak habis habis. Tapi kadang-kadang, itulah hidup. Yang membuatkan cinta selalu tidak pernah kehabisan cerita dan yang selalu menjadi bahan gosip mulai dari yang tua sampai yang muda.

Tapi satu pesan papa saya yang begitu melekat dalam kepala saya, yaitu cinta itu 99% adalah usaha. Bagaimana memperjuangkan cinta itu bertahan, bagaimana menghadapi permasalahan tentang perasaan, bagaimana menemukan titik temu, bagaimana membuat keinginan masing-masing tercapai, ego yang tersalurkan, tanpa harus ada yang terbebani maupun melukai diri sendiri. Cinta adalah... Keputusan... Keputusan untuk maju atau melepaskan diri. Keputusan untuk mempertahankannya atau menghancurkannya. Keputusan untuk tetap bersama dia yang sekarang atau keputusan untuk mencari yang lain. Keputusan untuk tetap mencintai dan berusaha mencintai atau menjadi bosan.

Semuanya adalah keputusan-keputusan kecil yang membentuk cinta dalam hidup kita. Memutuskan untuk memberi perhatiannya lebih atau harus menerima untuk ketidakpeduliannya, memutuskan untuk bersabar atau untuk ikut larut dalam pertengkaran yang akan menghancurkan hubungan, untuk berpikir dengan tenang atau dengan emosi. Semuanya, anda yang memutuskan...

a blog and a wishes

I start a blog. Again.  Like all of my target that always make at new year, and all the situation that makes me feel down. I need to do something. To proof that i still can do something besides my fail.  I'm not believe in fail. I believe people still have a chance. Even human makes mistakes not only once. But again and again. From that people grow. Learning, have a more energy to start a new things again.  Its all not just about target, its about how we can change ourself, from weak, to be more powerful because of our decision. Our decision to change. I believe i can. I believe. In Me.