Sunday, January 27, 2013

Butterflies in stomach

picture from here

The whirl of the wind whispering my skin then a flash on my imagination just hit me.  Wondering if only i can get what i imagine so easy.  What if... Then later i just wondering, then lay in my bed beside the little fan and the little ray of sunshine.  Then your call wakes me up, makes me so anxious, nervous, then i feel this.  Something in my stomach.  Butterflies.

I already know you long long time ago before i cant remember so many things.  But i knew you.  I knew your existence around me.  I see you in my sphere.  Whiff you around without knowing you.  Simple, because i have no interest at all.

I dont know is this an illution or just another manipulation from my mind because i already had someone who ever make me feel this way.  But it is different.  And with you, everything is have no sense and i cant sense at all.

I still remember every single detail in that night. The night when we met, when you sit in front of me then i just looking at you differently.  And knowing how much this feeling grow when your eyes keep looking straight to my eyes.  Then i felt it again.  The butterflies.  

I dont care about whats next.  I dont care the fact we are never really know each other.  And tomorrow we make our first met.  Then i just fall in your side.

Its all i know about me.  Then i dont have clear idea about you.  But, i know i dont care.  Like a song on Maroon 5 song, if i never see your face again, i dont mind.  Even it may better if i see your face again.  Again and again...

I dont have a reason to make you stay, neither do you.  I dont exactly say that i want you to stay forever, neither do you.  I even not really know whats on your mind.  Maybe i dont care because all the fact i know you are here, with me.  

Even in your silly joke about me that makes me wonder do you see me like i see you.  Do you feel the same way like i feel?  

I dont know where the future brings me.  I try not to expect much, more than life can give me.  I just want to enjoy my time, be true to my self.  Speak clearly even without knowing what i really want, neither what i really need. 

But be with you, even with your illution existences.  I really glad...

And to be honest, you completely fix me from my old wounds.  You makes me stop thinking about him.  You makes me stop want him.  Because now i want you.  Even now i must prepare my self from keep falling from yours.  But its okay.  You makes another beautiful day for me.

Thank you. For this moment.  I can't asking more.


Friday, January 25, 2013

Quiet Space

Recently i just realizing that many things has change again.  The different feeling when you face to that problem again and again.  Capability to understand, capability to accept.  Even i can't remember how i can get into this situation.  But it is just relaxing.  Back to my self who dont care about attachment and any other pain.  Just life sincerely with no remorse.  Do what i want to do, being free and tell exactly whats on my mind without any fear to being rejected or hurted.  Then this silence contemplation just hit me.  Could it be better than before or just can ruin my life again? I don't know.  I think people is suppose to have no idea and no clue too in their life.  This is life, when you can't guess what will be happen to you.  Its not in perpetuity good, not in perpetuity bad either.  Maybe the good could lead us to the bad fate, or the bad could bring us to the good things to.  I dont have absolute idea about this.  So, when you get nothing to lose because you are already lose too in your life, why so anxious? You used to getting through something hard before, why dont you take a shoot to get a better chance if the losing is not getting something that you dont have already.  Basically, i dont want to regret anymore. If i'm in rush or looks like i want to make it quick, it is just because i dont want to miss a moment to come.  I really dont know what to think now.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Get over it

Recently got some feeling from the other person that makes me feel comfort. Then i must slapped to realize that too much pushing will not make it end good.  Sometimes its just feel right to take some effort to get what we want.  But in rush is not really good idea too. At least for now when i already do my best.  Now i will leave the rest. I'm done.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Nearest Layoff

There is so many things change in here. New friend, new understanding that completely change my environment, my perspective and very much, changes me a lot.
Very much memories that sometimes makes me feel it happened my whole life.  Amazing people. Amazing memory.  Now the time is near, and i must prepare my self.  For go to the next stage, next complicate, next step in life.  Hopefully, its going better. It may not be easy, because we are not in the same stage when we come, we are going to the next ! Keep the spirit up ! :)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

this feeling

do you ever feel like you dont want to wake up tomorrow morning just because the reality just make you tired and sick? do you ever feel like you want to runaway but when you busy running it will comes to you again and again? do you know how it feel when you are tired to face problem but over a year, your memory still record it as clearly as it happened yesterday and even it happened a long long time ago you will never forget it and always crying when you think about it? do you ever feel that you have create many solutions but it just cant happen. when little things could left you a big big pain that someway you wish you better die to forget it. i know.

Monday, January 14, 2013


Deepest Regret

Sometimes in the middle of the night, or when i'm alone, sitting and wondering.  There is something that comes to my mind and haunt me, annoy and distract my feeling.  Its full me up then i feel sad about it.  Regret.

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours.  Regret is often expressed by the term 'sorry'.  Often feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depressiom, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner an later wishes not to have done so (said wiki).

Maybe wiki could choose words to decribe about what i feel even i can't decribe a right words to express it enough.  That something in your past haunt you, left a big hole in your heart that you know no one can fill it again, even you try over and over again.  That no one can replace and erase your memory about the beautiful things, at once the regretful things that even it just comes to you as a flash you will feel a pain, dissapoint, angry, etc that makes your feeling is not good.  Something that unfinished yet but you can't make an action to finish it, something that you can't handle then over and over again humming in your hearts, ears then your eyes. Something that comes to you asking for something you can't aswer.  Something haunt you but you can do anything to fix because its already over.  Something that you must let go but it'll come back again, then you realize you can't.  Or you won't let it go.

Something that you want forget, you want to let go but you end up missing it again and again because you know it is the last thing left that you can stay with.  Something that makes you feel best but also hurt you with the biggest pain, something that you never feel before.  Something that makes you change and be better better person and learn from what ever happened.  Something, that used to be someone.  Who fill you.  Someone that you regret to know, but also thankful to know.  Someone that you want to forget but you can't.  Someone who give you biggest lesson that hardly to get over it.  Someone who is stranger to you now.  Can I?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Politic's Misconception?

Managements is an art, said Mary Parker Follet.  Then, what should we do with politics? In this complicated era that makes us more in conflicted zone with the governments, political parties, non-governmental organizations, etc then sometimes we could make a rush conclusion or question, is our system runs in chaos? We can turn on our television and see chaos everywhere, corrupted bureaucrats, corrupted leaders, corrupted firms even corrupted civils. You can see all in the news.  Then, what’s the missing points of all this?

As an ordinary student in a 7th semester in Social and Politics Science I should be worried.  Too many things to worry, even such in my environment.  There is no certain future, nor certain theory to save alive going through this field object.  Not as science or another hematics that have an absolute pattern or theory to apply.  This field, has nothing substanstial but chaos (hypothetichally, of course).   Even I hope we will make some movement that closely to progress with what we have now, like potential leaders and experts.

A little example can come from our environment, if we have different leader, we will have different people that would be judge not because of their achievement or work, but how far they known each other and have emotional relationship.  There is no standard with that, people choose based by their intuition (maybe?) or their personal knowledge about this person’s information.  Only if they want to dig deeper, maybe they will find that wrong.  Then, to much tolerance to each other then no passion at work (?).  I think many people not really doing what they want to do.  Not many people feel ambitious about what they do and sometimes what I see in the government is the people who start boring about their job so they can’t serve as well.  People gets wrong motivation, then gets no proper reward about what they do.  

I don’t know if I have a (right or proper) capability to have my own judgement.  With my ordinary eye’s perspective, I just see there is so many holes in this system so people can make it flexible as their own excuse, or sometimes people just not see what I see, do they ?.

“Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”