Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Fate or random circumstance ?

picture here

At first i would so hesitant.  Can i feel something to someone again? Dont really think my past is traumatic but almost succeed make me pull my self out from a kind of feeling from before.  I try to accept some people but it just dont work.  Then i become so pessimist.  Until i meet someone i already know, then for the first time he just call me from 1am until +-4am.  We talk a lot about absurd things, but its just the feeling i can't forget.  I never talk so much to someone after about one year i break up with my ex.  With him i just talk shit and not important things.  Then next day i just can't stop smiling.  We practically ever meet about 4 years ago, but i never really know him. Then after a few conversation, voila. Don't understand the thought that hit me. To be with someone that so far away. And face the fact that we can't meet until next three months. Really don't know what i'm doing, practically not logic but can we go back to the fact that we just human?  *excusesss... Just have a rare feeling. But i think it is worth to try. I will try my best.  Hope he would do the same. 

Dear fate or random circumstance, thankyou very much.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Answer The Unanswered

picture from here

So, randomly i ask something random to someone i randomly know from tumblr, and then, he just answer.

Ben, do you have a ‘hole’ in your heart? when you feel something is missing and you cant do anything about that? then what will you do?
We all do don’t we? You can’t do anything about it? But you are doing something about it. It’s just whatever you are doing right now is no longer fulfilling. We fill it with friends, lovers, parties, drugs, sex, alcohol, music and art. With our prayers, our churches, our mosques and our gods, with our faiths and beliefs, with the knowledge we’ve gained, with our identities, our nationalism and our ideologies. We do all that just to make sense of something that is insane. Life is insane, absurd and unpredictable. And all of these things gives us comfort. To belong to something, to be a part of something, to hold on to something gives us comfort.
We always want to belong to something, but very seldom do we want to belong to everything. 
What will I do? What will I do is what I will do. The question is what will you do? What will you do when something is missing? What will you do?

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Better System For Better Government?

picture from here

In this digital era, the progress of technology  is very fast, and everyone who can't follow, could left behind and can't compete at this competitive era. So, government whom ask to serve civilians better, must adapt the   newest technology, even try some innovative idea for more effective and efficient systems.  The chance that innovative or technology could fail then inflict financial loss for the government? Well, at least the government could evaluate and keep up the procedure and theory, then make it based by civilian's needs.  Because government is wanted by people who needs their answer about these people's problem.  Then every problem, must fastly take-over and the gov's must have the better solution that can give win-win solutions.

e-Procurement comes as the answer for the 70-80% corruption case at government's goods and services contracts.  That mostly the corruptor manipulate the calculation, give bribe to win the tender.  Ironic, when you can't trust people anymore, then Indonesia adapt technology from United States.  The technology can minimization the frequent of connection between people and people, then make it to people-machine-people.  This method, for now is the better system than before.  Because the trust issue: "You can trust machine, you can trust software, but never people".

So, can we find who to blame? The people who create the system to eliminate the connection between people to people, people who can't trust other or the human that understand their own emotions, whom easily distract and tempt for money, better offer with minimum risk? 

Monday, April 15, 2013


picture from here

Its amaze  how a song could be a time machine.  To bring my memories back to the past. When you and i still together.  I remember every detail when you are drive in my car, going home.  I turn this song, rivermaya- you'll be safe here.  You may not know what it means.  But i know, and i feel safe with you, i feel the time run slowly, just peace and comfortable to be around you. Your atmosphere.  

After decade, i still turn on this music in my car, wondering, are in the parallel universe we can still be together...

You are different person now, like i am.  And i can't go back to the past, because now i have my own future.  But the song that i turn everytime i getting lonely, makes me feel closer to you.  Like the moment we shared just happen yesterday.  Like you are still mine.   Freeze the time.  
I remember our first met, at the mosque we are literally speaks, our first date at cafe near my campus, my first kiss that seems to be the last.  I remember every detail like your fragrance, your smells, your skin, your coarse hair. I remember everything.  And this song just make it perfect.  This song can makes me feel you, like, i close my eyes, and sense your existence, my feeling when you around.

I dont care maybe its sounds silly.But I can accept my fate. Then i must face one important thing, all of that is just my memory, not yours.  But sometimes i just want something to remember, something that makes me escape from present and go back a little to amazing time i had in my past.  After that, i can be more appreciate for all the things i have now.  And remember the beautiful things, believe somewhere i would have chance to get this feeling again. I believe, don't you? :)

Nobody knowsJust why we're hereCould it be fateOr random circumstanceAt the right placeAt the right timeTwo roads intertwine
And if the universe conspiredTo meld our livesTo make usFuel and fireThen knowWhere ever you will beSo too shall I be
Close your eyesDry your tears'Coz when nothing seems clearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWeary heartYou'll be safe here
Remember how we laughedUntil we criedAt the most stupid thingsLike we were so highBut love was all that we were onWe belong
And though the world wouldNever understandThis unlikely unionAnd why it still standsSomeday we will be set free.Pray and believe
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe hereWhen nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
Save your eyesFrom your tearsWhen everything's unclearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWounded heart
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe here
When nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
In my armsThrough the long cold nightSleep tightYou'll be safe here
When no one understandsi'll believeyou'll be safe,you'll be safeyou'll be safe herePut your heart in my handsYou'll be safe here

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Sebuah memori yang alpa kulupa. Enggan kuingat.  Semua tempat, momen dan cerita yang pernah terlalui bagaikan sebuah gelombang magnetik yang memantul dan menggedor alam bawah sadar untuk kembali tenggelam.  Setiap luka tidak pernah hinggap, karena hati pun enggan dan tidak siap.  Karena telah ada separuh dari sesuatu yang telah jauh hilang dan tak akan mungkin dilukai lagi.
Waktu bersamamu adalah cukup.  Segalanya. Dan sudah lebih dari cukup.
Aku tidak pernah meminta kembali, tidak pula memohon untuk mengulang kembali.  Setiap lembar lembar baru yang kumula hanya awal baru, petualangan baru dan cerita baru.  Masih belum cukup, dan tidak akan pernah cukup untukku. 
Aku memang terlalu ambisius untuk lupa, kemudian lelah mengingat, kemudian membiarkannya tenggelam kala ku lebih jauh berjalan ke tempat yang tidak pernah kuduga.  Hidup dalam sebenar-benarnya hidup.  Tanpa takut kehilangan sesuatu karena hal itu telah hilang, jauh sebelum aku menemukan.
Hidup adalah rimba yang tidak mampu kau tebak apa yang akan datang selanjutnya.  Tapi pula bukan tanpa hukum dan pola pola berulang untuk diprediksi.  Ketika yang bisa kujawab hanya entah, untuk memuaskan batin dan raga mengarungi semuanya, mempelajari semuanya.  Untuk membunuh waktu, mencari arti yang bahkan aku belum tau benar apa yang kucari.
Tidak akan pernah kehilangan makna ketika segala yang ditawarkan adalah loncatan demi loncatan untuk menguatkan masa lalu.  Memaafkan kealpaan yang kubuat sendiri untuk menenangkan diri.  Memberi alasan hati untuk berpijak kemudian melesat pergi.  Aku meminta maaf dalam ketidaktahuan.  Aku meminta maaf karena lupa mengingatkan, bahwa aku akan pergi dan meninggalkanmu. Segera setelah waktunya cukup.
Aku tidak mudah melupakan, juga bukan orang yang mudah menerima.  Tapi aku selalu membuka kesempataan kedua, namun pula tak ragu menutupnya.  Berjalan dalam roda roda yang ku tak tahu kemana, seorang pengamat, seorang penonton. 
Entah apa yang merasuki pikiranku ketika beberapa memori tentangmu masih saja kusimpan di recycle bin.  Tidak akan pernah ku-recycle lagi.  Tidak pula kuhapus utuh.  Kau cukup.  Tidak lebih dan tidak kurang.
Kau masih belum bisa kulupakan, hanya tempat ku berlari ketika aku dalam kejenuhan, untuk kemudian mengingat ingat masa yang telah lewat, kemudian lari dari tempatku sekarang. Semuanya lebih dari cukup.
Saat ini cukup.

Thursday, April 11, 2013


In my life, after a 'disaster' and haunted of past.  Now i keep move on.  Life through anything in front of me.  Do what i want to do, without much expectation but do what i can do.  Even now i try to get into relationship but i dont think i'm ready.  Then realize i end up hurt anyone else so i decide to stop.  Stop pretend and force my feeling into some relationship again.  Then just let it go.  I dont want to think about it.  My priority just changed and i know there is more to life than that feeling.  Or maybe the right person still not come. I dont know, i just want to clear out my feeling for now.  Enjoy every sunrise and every sunset. Blend with some new people, flirt with any guy i want but not yet get into deep relation again.  Don't want to far away from people but not too close to.  Maybe just in the middle.  To keep in balance, to keep my logic and my feeling separate so may i can make it healed or maybe stronger.  Then go for my dream and focus to do what needed to do.  Then, go out and life, do what you want to do, while you try more to reach your dream. Happy Thursday, anyone.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Turning Point

Life is a funny thing. When you convinve about one thing, then came out that you now nothing. You dont know about people, even sometimes you cant be so sure about yourself.   I ever be so sure about something, about the future, but it ended up i fail. Biggest fail and biggest regret in my life is when i be so sure about what will happen in the future.  In fact, we can predict future but there is no predictable future.  Many things happen for now, and being single, i mean with no relationship like this, no really close friend.  I think i have some space to know my self again without any intervene of others.  Just people who can support me and find my self more.  I think this is the right time, without anythings hold me, or give some advice and give me pressure to do anything.  I even can left my handphone and have no worry.  I'm free to choose where i want to be, be free to decide to taste some new food or beverage, to break the law or to doubt my own faith.
Turning point, to find who i am.  Because when you lose something, the next is your turn to find again.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Sweet Escape

Recently i just go out. Not the smartest holiday, i think but i take a risk to have a trip with people i dont know, with less equipment.  I go to Randayan island, then almost sink because our boat have problem with the water pumps.  Then my bags was drained.  Just getting worse when i put my galaxy tab, blackberry and digital camera there.  But when it happen, i dont know i just feel calm. I dont know maybe just a little bit relief, to know that i dont bring anything else in this world, and i would left this world without anything too.

At the island, with people who i dont really know.  I feel free. Free from judgement and attachment. That i know this life is short, and enjoy anything universe give to you.  Be pure, dont whining, just close your eyes, and enjoy it. 

Too much attachment would broke you when you cant let it go.  Anything would come, anything would left.  Save your energy from the wasted complaint. 

Be free. From people. From your expectation. From yourself.  

(did i mention before i just lost my digital camera? :P)