At Your Hometown

At your hometown.  I sit around, wondering how is your life here, how you grow up, with who you spend your afternoon time, wondering what are you thinking when you look at this street.  

I still remember how you smile, how awkward your act when you stand beside me.  How you dizzy and look so anxious when you tell me your feeling. I still remember.

The first time we met at the mosque. Our silly chat and our boring talk, even our silly and rough debate.  The memory cant leave me alone even i try to escape.

So, here i am.  At your hometown, i try to face the truth, face to face.  To gather my fear facing your memory and the thought about you.  

The awkward moment when i smell your perfume, cheap perfume but cling to my nose, even my feeling to getting closer to you.  I judge you as a fool, silly and shallow.  But i respect you as an individual.  I respect your heart to each other, i respect your  anger, i respect the world behind your eyes.  Even for now, i'm not the part of it. It is relief to be detached from you. Your silly rules, silly perspective and silly protectiveness.  But i miss you too. 

For now, i will live my life as i know it.  Like a free bird, have a choice to descend upon any branch.  To be free to choose.  Free from other, even free from my self.  Through all the feeling i will feel.  Through all the up and down.  Without expect too much, but do what i can do.  Do what i love to do.  Without any regret, with my mind open to filter and collect the great things world offer me.  

picture from tumblr.com

A (Little) Contribution

Recently just get busy because projects at Sungai Pangkalan Satu village.  I think because this village won  award of the Best Village's Model at Kalimantan Barat, award of Peduli Lingkungan Hutan, and award of Best Library in 2012 our team don't need extra efforts to rehab the administration or facilities.  We learn a lot here.  I think because the people is very dedicated, open minded and have a will to help, especially the village's head or we called it 'Pak Pong' a.k.a 'Kepala Kampong'.  He always monitoring the way of youth's life.  The culture of hang out or 'nongkrong nongkrong' are not complete if he is not around to talk a little or give a joke.  He also control the problem of many people here, like using drugs or alcohols.  So the people here are respect the Village's head and He is willing to help 24 hours and solve people's problem.  

I think this quality of leader are needed beside of the people's character who follow the leader too.  They need to respect, willing to help others, open minded and would do anything positive to make them place improved.  Our existence here would be end for 4 days, even i will take these days to take a trip to the island.  I will miss and remind this place.  Humble people, open minded, and have a will to help each other.

The city people, nowadays i think have this quality to.  Because we have same root-cultures.  The main problem is the 'city-people' is too busy and too lazy to socialite with their own environment.  Some of them would be have a big ambition to make anyhing effective, doing anything, like make a friendship, with a bigger purpose, like for their work, their career, or even for their future, to have some potential spouse.  So this purpose would eliminate the neighbours, and people they meet accidentaly.

So here, some documentation what i do, paint the monument of Sungai Pangkalan Satu, give a socialization with the dentist to brushing teeth for children, give a lesson of daily conversation for elementary children, and cleared the cement for little park and pond we made.  Fun !

Four weeks i spent here was great.  Dont think to do it again but beside of 'insect bite' that makes my skin is flaw and the lack of water i think this volunteering are the greatest experience ever.  Because not like the volunteering before this time we have our own projects, our own money and not bound to office's time.  So we could choose our time to socialization, doing project and synchronize our project with the village's plan.

Go On

How are you? Next month is exact one year you left me behind.  Life is go on, and cant stop.  Now you'r already move on and have another person to loving you. And you love her more.

About three days ago accidentaly i met you at a cafe. Me with my friend so do you. We just have the nice conversation then try to ignore each other.  I dont know, maybe i know that i cant keep loving you then i push my self really hard to not feel again.  And i succeed. Finally i know i can stop this feeling.  Even i still miss you. A lot.

I know i still can't have another people to love in my life.  Or maybe i can find another man, but i dont want to.  I dont know.  Relationship be the funny thing for me now.  Because for now i just in a confused state, and i'm not in a hurry to find it.  Because i know that i still have another feeling.

I dont know.  But i know i'm on my way. To something i dont know too. 

New Perspective at New Horizon

For a month, since 3 March 2013 until 2 April 2013. I stay at Sungai Pangkalan Satu Village, Bengkayang Regency, Kalimantan Barat Province.  I will do some programs which designed by my team for a little of dedication to village.  We have programs that have a target to improve the administrations, socials, infrastructures and spirituals at the village.  Even Sungai Pangkalan Satu's village already won the best village at the regional  competition but i hope our contribution there would make some inspiration for the people to keep going better.  

I really like the village's life.  Simple and calm. The people are amazing, they are really open, especially the village's chief.  He could give us opportunity to blend with all the people in there. At first i dont have any idea what to do.  But with all the idea that continue and the spirit to work and give something to this village.  I hope finally we can make some proper programs that can help local people. 

Sometimes i wonder if i can buy a house at a village, then take a few months to take vacation and live simply there.  Just to enjoy the circumstances there, to clear my head.  Especially a nice house at the shoreside. :)

The Office

 Our 'Home'

 Us

 The Locals

fall

I dont know how much i must fall again and again. To start all over again after all of this.  I will never make a new start. I will never get rid of the shadows.  I want to be free, but i cant. There is something in there hold me back. Don't care how much i success to not look back. But he is there. laugh at me.

My biggest regret, biggest hole that keep me fall again and again. Time cant help it anymore because today, when i wake up, all i see is you. My biggest failure that keep hunting me. The feeling when i wake up in the morning, the itchy, the hole in my heart that hold my breath when i see you. I want it stop but i cant.  I cant because everytime i want to stop there is something reminds me of you. Something makes me go to the same page, same mistakes, same foolness and wasted feeling. It is my choice but i cant do anything, can i ?