Not so much things in this world really attract me. Not the boring class, not the ceremony, not the routine in my dorm and absolutely not the washing time. I am not really feel motivated these days. Just skip class and sleep. Feel bore about the routine but sometimes need to involve and participate in society's life. Sometimes too much thoughts just makes me careless about the little things happen, makes me ignore because the normative things bore me. Like attend a class, i may have nothing to do but when i must sit in a class for many hours i start to feel empty, bore and not really give my full attention to whats going on. I start to feel not care. Not because class is not important, i also will have mid semester next week but i feel lack of spirit. Maybe my mind is distract, i start not focus about what i am doing here. I forget my reason to be here, sit in this bed and live in this bore dormitory. I just forget about how i feel vibrant when i first got here. I forget night over night i struggle just to enter the test to get here. I forget all stuff i sacrifice to be here. My youths, my freedom, my friends, my chance to be an athlete and so many list that cant be done because i choose this path. I just forget. I feel disconnect from who i am before and start to grumble about what i dont have, start to be ungrateful then spent my time wonder about never end 'what-if' question.
I dont know. Sleep just relax me more than ever recently. Because i already search something that makes me feel empty. Something i can't fight. Then i know i can't. I can't do that. There is something i can't have and something would makes me feel incomplete. And i must start life with that, not spoiled and grumble about it over and over again. I must start the connection with my feeling, my passion and my ambition now. I will start over again, i think. The recent practices class just inspire me to life again. To finish something you start. To stop giving up, then start to do best. To do it perfectly, it is not just the perfect output or the perfect results, but the perfect EFFORT by yourself, by your standard, to be the best of what you have right now. So many things that can inspire me and i must light it up over and over again to makes me see clearly about where i am now and start walking or turning around from the direction. I will make it.