sembilan : what life means

so today you leave me hanging again, and then it bites me a little. but i think im stronger than yesterday. you know, life's trial will come again if i cant pass the test. i still cant get away and passed in this exam but i am willing to try. to keep going and start to focus to the good things in life.  the recovery time will going shorter and shorter until it doesnt matter anymore. 

hardship always give me the valuable lesson. in my past relationship, it was easy until its hard and im falling apart, the recovery is too long and broke me inside. but i think with this kind of relationship, or whatever the name is. i learn to control my feelings too through all your bullshit and all your words.

it means that i should go through all the feelings, experience it all in order to understand more. to go deep again and recognize what's inside my heart, to know my self more, to love my self more. in order to searching for other people to be my company, thats me first, need to know myself, need to understand what i really need, what i really wants, how to handle myself. and then if im ready, i can open my heart again to suitable people who match into my preferences and could use my company too.

to find a meaning of life. we are in search, of something we missed, to fill the empty bottle, to figure the puzzle out. to make ourself feel like our true self again. to feel something strange, exciting, make our life worth something to fight for. still in search for the meaning every second, every day, to re-shape, evaluate, change, transform, differentiate, following the heart, interest, gut, spontaneous ideas, the crazy bucket list, into the unknown. to adventure that holds in every second after, i am ready for everything, i dont fear and scared anymore. cause i, have lost, and ready to found.