Camouflage On Social Media

Latest discussion at the cafe with my friend was about the camouflage on social media. The sample of this analysis is based by our close friends. The method of this post is inductive, means i made conclusion from the specific to general, from the case that i see from my friends, then make a conclusion in general.

Recently, as the development of social media and the easy access of internet could give people a right to use their personal account, like facebook, twitter, path, instagram, or even this blog and so many more. No one or nothing can stop them, so people free to read, or not to read, to share or not to share. But there would be a question, how far they can share thoughts, photos, and who will stop the readers/followers/friends judging them?

Today, the conflict that happen at social media is 'booming' too. Like the controversial post of Marissa Haque at blog, or microblog like twitter that called 'twitwar'. Then (just my personal opinion) a disturbing tweet from farhat abbas, and many anonymous user that claim themselves as investigator or journalist. If one of the user share the frontal statement that affect the mass reaction of other user because they may leak a conspiration theory or just make a stupid statement/even the smart ones. But nowadays people respons more to stupidity than intelligence. Yeah, another show-off, people! :))

The account, that represent the personality of user, sometimes could give us an unpredictable thing that would be very interesting. Like one of my friend, in the society, she would be very quiet, passive and shy, but when she is at home, hold her blackberry that connected with twitter and facebook, would change herself to be more active, seduce and confident. (Personal opinion). The other sample, one of my friend, a boy always shows a sadness, and mellow statement at his 'status' at facebook, but when we meet him, we can see a cheerful boy with light attitude. 

Ah, but you will never see how the pattern comes, and you will never make a solid theory, then. The phenomenon just a mirror to reflect the personal things, human with the complexity of psychology things. I think finally the choice is made by ourselves like how we control our self in a society, it is your choice to show people your different side that may give you another positive respons or to show off what you are good at. Its your choice, but at least dont make it really contrast and annoying if you dont want people laugh at you. Anyway, people will judge anyway, but dont mind to show who you really are. Be yourself, but lets be the best of yourself! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

- Oscar Wilde

in your eyes, i'll stay.

Theres a shadow, in your window when the wind whispering how your smells when he arounds. Morning would come not so far but the awake eyes can't fake anything but missing you like i always had. 

The touch of your images just resound again and again, calling the past, make my self traped forever.

A second chance i'm willing to have just to make my self sure that i never make a mistake, but i was always wrong because you even not care to belief that i'm exist.

Love would always be a second priority between everything else. But it would always stay, in the lonely night you spend around trying to figure our how your life gonna be if we are still in the same line, talking to each other and sharing the night.

They tell that it would be impossible and it's true. But i always love challenge, and theres just no one can fit with mine. 

In your lonely eyes, i shoud stay, forever. Even i know i will never get out. i will never see freedom because once i see you, i will never be the same. 

someday will never come, and the end from here is near but i wont ever afraid. because you will always there, stay and trap in my eyes, as the one who i always loved. 

future is somewhere nowhere. but i will always here, as a girl who will stay with you and sing a lullaby when you comes around. forever, i promise.

Challenge Yourself

My college's academic phase just near to the final. But in the end, there is so many things happen, so many thoughts.  Maybe all i want before is wrong, maybe i should be at different path. I dont know. Future is so mysterious for me now. So i kinda open my mind, do everything i can or get any chance.  At least i want to make my self busy, because busy is better than being bored! :)

Today i just try to play paintball at TFK, i'm so happy that i have an adventurous friends, open minded, and accept me as who i am. They may not know my past or know me very better, but thats what i want in a friendship, not really close but not too far too. Just keep it as easy as possible. Sometimes people said that boy and girl cant be friend, because they will be fall for each other, especially when you are single. I dont think so, its our choice, its our free will to let ourself fall or not. Thanks for all of you guys! made my day!

 Taman Fantasia Kalbar (TFK), Ayani 2, Pontianak

yang terakhir kepada rindu

hari ini adalah hari yang akan aku ingat lama. karena entah kenapa angin berbisik dengan berbeda, berkata kau tak akan pulang. lama, dan mungkin akan berbeda. maka waktu membeku. 

tapi entah kenapa kita hanya membisu, menatap cahaya yang jauh di jembatan itu, temaram dalam gemerisik sungai dan dengung perahu yang melaju.

malam ini adalah malam kau pulang, setelah begitu lama dan rasa yang lebih jauh dari jarak.

kita adalah abu, karena tidak ada yang tahu, setidaknya aku. 

kau selalu mengabulkan yang kutanyakan, mengiyakan yang kusebutkan, memberikanku pilihan.

terlalu jauh untuk kupikir aku mempunyai pilihan karena aku tidak pernah ingin memaksakan. 

rasa itu ada, hanya terlalu jauh disana.

dan aku segan, entah pula dengan kau.

kata kata itu ada, lama dibiarkan hingga nanti berdebu dan aku lupa. mengapa kita masih bersama dan apakah hanya aku saja yang merasakannya. 

kuucapkan yang terakhir kepada rindu karena setelah ini tidak akan ada lagi malam malam panjang tertawa dan janggal dalam diam kita berdua. kuucapkan selamat tinggal pada mata yang berkaca kaca dan tangan yang tak pernah sampai ke pelukmu.

sudah terlalu lama kau pergi, tapi tiada yang berubah, tiada pula rasa ganjil itu, tiada pula dada yang berdesir tiap kali kau hadir kembali.

aku tidak minta diyakinkan, tidak pula meminta diragukan. 

aku hanya memintamu. yang terakhir kali. 

mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada rindu.

serasan, agustus 2013

yang tidak tak terbatas

elang terbang terlalu jauh malam ini tak kembali pulang
menembus pelangi memecah cakrawala
ada kepak sayap yang lelah telah terlalu jauh melangkah
menembus ruang waktu
kemudian menghilang

ada puing yang tersisakan dari percikan abu
di tengah pusaran nisanmu
aku bersimpuh

kau lebih buruk dari pagi yang terlalu dingin
dan siang yang terlalu panas
tidak hilang tapi tak juga pergi
tidak pergi tidak pula kembali
tidak ada tapi tak pula tiada

kau satu diantara berjuta
gelap diantara cahaya

kita tiada merasa
tiada mencinta
tersesat dalam pusara tanpa muara
kekal dalam waktu, kekal dalam biru

pontianak, 24 agustus 2013

Shoot!

If its the definition, then i think i already found it. :))

Stay The Same

There would be a memory, trapped. As many things changed, there would always something stay the same. Its the feeling wherever you around. Sometimes we just too naive to admitted, or maybe we dont feel the same.  Or i feel too much.

I just know one thing, i know when i feel happy. Its when i'm with you.

happy eid ul-fitr !

There was a time when many things seems clearer than this video of my self, doing so many things i could remember.  Many things is past that just popped up and happened before i realize anything.  The past is the past.  We can't change that.  There was a time when i realize i keep picturing or memorizing in my mind but sometimes i just lose it.  It happened in past and sometimes we just remember the feeling of being there.

There is so many things in my life that happen out of my control, some of my delusive mind could tell me to.  But what i know for certain is something just left, someone would left. What meant to be can be sure what happen to be. We cant control our destiny, how hard we struggling or how hard we try, we can't control our past, or our future.  We can't be sure about anything else going on in this life. We can't expect anything because you will end up losing your own game.  Just satisfy yourself at this moment.  Do what you want and blend it with something you need to do. Do it for your own happiness because you will never know, you just never know. But at least, have some faith for yourself, your destiny, and people around you. 

Anyway, i made this blog as long as i cant remember how it feel for the first time, just to write something and feel like there would be someone else reading it, like you have a friend and you just talk over and over again, even sometimes they didn't listen what you really meant, but its never matter, because its just when you talk or spill out your words, it just calming down and make you see something clearer, or more ruined it?. But at least you know finally what you will got or what may you imply. Maybe.

Yesterday i just go to Singkawang and Sambas to visit the daughter of my deceased grandma and theirs family. Then i visit my friend, Melya. 

at Alianjang's street, Singkawang with my friend, Melya

at Keraton Sambas, beside my family's house with my cousin Zeeva

Meet again with your families and friends for me is just quite touching because sometimes i just feel like i just enjoy to be alone with my self, but sometimes family and friend just enlighten your day. So at this moment, eid fitr, we will visit their home have a nice talk and show them that we are care. That they are meant something to us. They are the part of our lives and we'r very thankful they come to our lifes.

At Danau Sebedang, Sambas

Happy eid ul-fitr everyone! Minal aidin wal faidzin :)

Jeda

Di tengah televisi yang menggumam itu, ada segelas air putih yang sudah terlanjur habis dan belum lagi diisi. Beberapa jemari telah mengisi jeda di jemarimu yang renggang namun tidak juga kau acuhkan, ketika kau terlalu sibuk dengan duniamu, ambisimu yang menghantui dengan jam jam sibuk dan penuh tekanan.
Tapi rupanya aku salah, ketidakmampuanmu merasa bukan karena kau tidak perduli, tapi kau terlalu naif untuk melepaskan, dan egomu terlalu tinggi untuk mengakui apa yang sebenarnya kau rasakan.
Hidup itu membosankan, katamu, untuk datang dengan hal yang biasa, menjadi biasa dan melakukan hal hal yang biasa. Tidak pernah cukup untukku, katamu.

Setiap hari kau berlari, mengejar entah apa, yang kau definisikan sebagai jam jam panjang dengan aku, sebagai jeda yang manis di antara mimpi-mimpimu yang mati matian kau wujudkan. Lama aku baru menyadari akhirnya, bukan kesibukan yang mengejarmu, tapi kamu yang mengejar kesibukan itu. Kesibukan yang kau kira mampu membunuh kesepian kesepianmu, malam malam yang penuh dengan kebosanan dan pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu yang terlalu panjang tentang hidup.

Kau adalah orang teregois yang pernah aku kenal, tapi kemudian adalah orang yang paling bisa kupahami karena aku tahu apa yang telah kau lalui hari demi hari.  Dan dalam kehidupan yang tidak pernah terduga, aku hanya datang, untuk menggenggam tanganmu dan menenangkanmu.

Kadang aku tidak mengakui diriku jadi yang kedua, tidak pula kau yang menegaskan bahwa aku adalah yang kedua. Tidak, hubungan kita terlalu jauh untuk dapat diberi label dan diberi nama.

Kita hanya, kita...

Kekecewaan bukan lagi hal baru untuk kita, pengkhianatan, cinta yang tak tersampaikan dan tak terabaikan bukan lagi barang mewah. Apalagi sebuah cinta yang setia.

Aku tidak mengenal cinta yang setia, tidak pula kau. Mungkin karena hal hal yang telah terlalu sering kita lihat untuk memaknai apa yang ada tidak seperti kacamata orang lain.

Kita tidak bermasalah, hanya memandangnya dengan cara yang berbeda dari sudut pandang orang lain.

Tidak, kita tidak menggombal kata cinta, tidak pula melakukan hal hal yang harusnya belum dilakukan. Tidak, kita jauh dari itu.

Kita hanya, berbagi. Berbagi rasa, berbagi cerita, berbagai keluh, berbagi rasa sakit. Dan kemudian saling menenangkan.

Untuk itu, aku tidak perlu memotong hubungan asmara siapapun juga karena aku sudah tahu rasanya, dan aku sudah pernah melaluinya. Aku mengerti.

Aku tidak pernah menuntut, tidak pula mengejar.

Kita hanya menyediakan waktu masing-masing, menyesuaikan jadwal, mengisi jeda dalam hidup kita masing-masing, kemudian menghabiskannya bersama.

Terlalu munafik untuk melihat kembali masa lalu, tidak pula terlalu terburu buru untuk menjalani masa depan, kita adalah saat ini, detik ini dalam kerapatan jemari yang saling menggenggam untuk saling menguatkan.

Mungkin suatu hari semuanya itu akan berhenti ketika kita berdua tidak lagi nyaman, waktu yang tidak lagi pas dan hasrat yang tidak lagi cukup.

Mungkin juga suatu hari kita akan masuk ke dalam sebuah tahap yang baru, tahap yang jelas, tahap yang berkomitmen dan mengikat untuk memperbolehkan kita tidak hanya berbagi diri kita berdua tetapi juga teman dan keluarga.

Mungkin juga suatu hari nanti, ini semua tidak lagi berarti apa apa.

Mungkin.

Siapa yang tahu?

Goodbye July

If i seen through this month a year before, i could surprise to make it through like now. Where i am now, improved than myself one year before on this July. I'm glad finally i could learn much to unlove. I learn a lot to finally think about myself. I learn to be egoist.  I learn to make myself as a prior than anyone. Because people come and go, but my self will always stay.

taken from www.indiesart.com

So finally i can say goodbye July,goodbye my hardest time i ever been through. Thank you for so much lesson.  Thank you for fill my last four years. Happy or Sad. Passionate or Desperate. The whole package that could be my pebble stone to step higher.  I will stop feel pathetic, i will stop playing victim, i will stop feel sorry and i will stop make any harm for my self. Life will go on and i hope will be better.

never forget to enjoy and having fun!

Welcome August!

Vulnerable

When you experience it once, you may call it mistake, but if you experience it twice then let yourself drag into a deep hole, maybe its time to think you are addicted to falling.  Or it just the idea of a person is same with what you ever had. You want it, not because you fall for this guy maybe because you want your past back.

I dont think we are on the same page, i have a feeling that you just want to play around, then i know i being played but i just enjoy it because i know maybe i have a chance to get similar experience from my past. Life is funny, humorous, yet tragic.

So many silly things i ever did, but the worse is when i feel too adhere to something, or someone. Because the after effect is i can't let it go and i just keep pushing even i know my time and my moment is done.

I hope i can forgive my self for making that mistakes and know when to stop my self.

Cinta dan Hal Hal Yang Tidak Akan Terucap

Ada yang tidak terucap dalam kata di jarak hati yang keruh dan berduka. Ada yang kehilangan dalam baris kata kata yang menghambur namun tanpa makna. Ada yang bisu bukan karena tak mampu berkata kata tapi telah lama kehilangan seseorang untuknya berbicara.

Ada cinta, namun ada pula hal hal yang tidak akan pernah diucapkan. Bukan, bukan karena kau tidak bisa mengucapkannya kepada orang yang tepat, hanya saja kepada orang yang ucapkan, ia sudah tidak mau lagi mendengar. Karena waktumu sudah habis.

Ada yang telah kau ucapkan berulang-ulang namun sudah tak bisa lagi didengar. Dan ia sengaja pergi. Ia sudah tidak mau lagi mendengar. Ketika hal itu terjadi, maka hanya ada cinta, dan hal hal yang tidak akan terucapkan lagi selain sebuah kesempatan.

Sebuah kesempatan yang tidak akan datang lagi. Karena dari sepersejuta kemungkinan tidak ada tali tali yang mampu mengikat lagi. Kesempatan itu telah habis. Peluang itu telah selesai.

Cinta itu? Hanya meninggalkan dirinya sendiri dan hal hal yang tetap tidak akan terucap.

Simpan rapat di hatimu saja.

Norwegian Wood

I once had a girl 

Or should I say she once had me 

She showed me her room 

Isn't it good Norwegian wood? 

She asked me to stay 

And she told me to sit anywhere 

So I looked around 

And I noticed there wasn't a chair 

I sat on a rug biding my time 

Drinking her wine 

We talked until two and then she said 

"It's time for bed" 

She told me she worked 

In the morning and started to laugh 

I told her I didn't 

And crawled off to sleep in the bath 

And when I awoke I was alone 

This bird had flown 

So I lit a fire 

Isn't it good Norwegian wood?

The Beatles- Norwegian Wood

"Its a trigger, to push imagination far from home, cuddling and struggling to found.

At first i read Haruki Murakami's book, Norwegian Wood written at english than found it interesting and so poetic, then i listen the beatles then watched the movie. I still not finish it yet. but all the substance just makes me wonder and wonder. Make a new perspectives of my loneliness, more understanding to feel not okay.

to feel lost. to feel alone.  to feel disconnected with people.

i also had some similarity and feel the loss, the feeling from the past that calls me over and over again.

and how past could be so haunt our present. Echoing our relationship with others.

Its a crowded feeling come around from a lonely man.

A lonely man whom still searching what he lost.

Feel lost and disconnected over and over again..."

can we find the better place, norwegian wood?

...

Peculiar Chance

Need some more time, need some more space to make our time freeze and echoing to the present. I can see my self, long time ago feeling like what i'm feeling. but something is missing.
Something is not set on the right track.

People looking. Everyone looking for something that they feel missing in their live.
Whats the probability you can have, at least a chance to get what you really want in life?
Do you really sure you want what you want, and then pursue the biggest opportunity?
you dont know, like no one knows.

just keep it forward, and make today the best day of your life, make it meaningful, make it productive, make it rich, be grateful for anything you have and anything you dont.

Let everything you cant control, take every chance you got.

And, enjoy.

i hope i'm on the right track to makes my dream comes true.
:)

happy monday everyone!

dini hari itu

ada yang kurang dini hari itu
sejanggal secangkir kopi yang kubuat susah payah
lalu tak kau minum seperti biasanya

ada yang hilang dini hari itu
setaknyaman matamu yang tak lagi menatap mataku
meninggalkan bisu

ada yang mengganjal dini hari itu
serunyam hatiku di kala kau datang senja itu
tapi tak lagi ada rasa

ada yang tak beres dini hari itu
ketika kudekap dan kau meminta maaf
untuk dosa yang tak pernah kau perbuat

ada yang kuketahui sejak lama di dini hari itu
yang kusadari sejak lama
namun tak mampu terkata

ada yang kupahami sejak lama di dini hari itu
cinta itu buta
dan maaf kan datang begitu saja

begitu saja
seperti pagi ini
...

Something Missing

I wake up early in this morning and feel lost. I dont know whats hitting me now. Beside my unfinish script and many things i delay to give my self a break. Then I go back to the place where we spent our most time together. I sit and all things just felt missing.  Some piece of my self is not complete.  Some memories are hit me again and again that makes me feel sorry for my self.  

Then i just stare at the window while i was with you years ago i always feel vibrant, dynamic, full of love and always missing you when you are not around. Now looking at that point just makes me feel lonely, here i am. Still loving you as much as i was, whether you dont even care at all.

My feeling never changed until now, even i try to fill it with somebody else, i always try to open, but you are the best. With you, all my time is worth wasted. its just me be mellow because of morning sickness or what. LOL. I feel lucky for my my self, but its just something is not complete yet. Maybe i must start looking again. :)

Salvador Dali, A Chemist Lifting with Extreme Precaution the Cuticle of a Grand Piano, 1936

Write it out!

I love writing. I really do. It starts when i was a very little kid since i remember, my father always tell a story before i sleep, and i always imagine and really excited.  When i grow up, my father always support me if i want to buy a book, even i collect penny or 'recehan' from everyone to bike far away then buy a newest crayon shinchan's comicbook. When i was high school, i start to buy novel, but most of them are not makes me satisfy.  So i really want to make the good book from my own version.  One of my Bahasa Teacher, is one of my father's friend, she is an idealist teacher then she push me to follow a competition at Balai Bahasa, and i write my first short story, 'Aku dan Dunia'. I'm very surprised that i won it at first place, but i failed at national level, and sign again next year with 'Sepasang Sayap Imajiner', then fail again. But it wont stop me. I just love to write, to vomit all my anxiousity into words.  When i'm in college for now, i love to write article, or blog like this, just feel relaxed when i can write all my feelings, make me feel good like i share and talk with my friend.  I need my friend to talk too, but when i write i can read it again someday and feel glad that i ever through that phase. Now, i must write with other's standard, at my paper, my final task for complete my graduation later.  A script.  Spend so much energy, but i love it when i just can try over and over again with something i can do.  At least i can do something about it.  I hate when i cant do anything to make my dream happen.  At least for now, i can try.  Step by step to my future.  Welcome!

Picture Url

Coffee Talks

Sometimes at our busy schedule, we need to reflect our self, with talking.  Share our memories together, to embrace our reflection, our courage to keep walk and smile.  That all of bad things and good things happen in our life for some reason, some way lead us to another level, another achievement.  All of our flaws and all of our regret maybe are the most important aspects to make us now.  Sometimes we just need others.  Its our needs as a human.

Peacefulness

The Rage of Achilles by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo

I can't say i'm a very patient woman, i'm not think i'm that evil but i'm not a saint, either. Sometimes, or often i just lose my temper. I easily getting distracted if people, especially my friend if they just cross my line. The definition of 'my line' is very absurd with my mood for that day. Sometimes i think that i'm too individual, or i don't know, have a different view and perception of mostly people at my circle. I have a big ego to feed, and i will never harm other if they are not disrupt me first.  I'm vicious, egoist, have a bad temper, individualist sometimes, i think i have all the bad character but sometimes its just not stay long of course. I'm human.  I made a mistake and will always do something that i may regret.  But i'm realize that all of that okay, if i can make it as a lesson to make my self better.  Of course for someone who do bad things to me i will not just be patient and defencelessness, i will make them pay. But i still have heart and my head could think to whats the best for me, for that time, whats the consequences, whats the impact from what i do.  Sometimes i will count all, sometimes i just lost that and decide to follow my heart.  For future we can't predict, for mysterious fate, i hope all of that can make me a better person.

So, based on wikipedia.com (I try to be a little bit scientific) there are two simple dichotomy from anger, passive anger and aggresive anger, passive anger expressed in dispassion, evasiveness, defeatism, obsessive behaviour, physchological manipulation, secretive behaviour, self blame and self-sacrifice and aggresive anger expressed in bullying, destructiveness, grandiosity, hurtfulness, manic behavious, selfishness, threats, unjust blaming, unpredictability and vengeance. Hmm I dont even really understand a few definition of them.  But we are getting upset sometimes, have a 'fire' in our heart, sometimes makes us release it to someone, or something.  Sometimes the anger is the stack of sadness that haunt for a long time.  Sometimes the anger is just another excuse for a dream that can't be achieved, a failed target, or a pressure from people so we make people suffer like we all do. Never can despite the fact that all of us is suffering.  We suffer from this life, even for the lowest level or life, we are suffer to live life.  Even just to keep alive day by day, we attack by this sense of boredom, and so many things that sometimes we just cant find the solution.  We can't have all the solution in life. We can't win all. We can't take everything.  We can't be okay everyday. That's the fact. That's natural and that is life.  Keep open your mind and try more to understand, even with people who have different idea, different perspective, fanatic person. Try more, try again.  Can't we just life in a peace?

Fling

I think its silly idea to think that i still can't move on. Or its me that labelling my self, the fact is, i still can't find someone who can stay in a relationship with me (Or me) more than two years. I don't know, until now i think  i am go back like i was still on high school, date with a few man but its just like a crush and fling.  Its like a very mysterious fate that send me a man that just don't fit me for a long time, or not yet?.  I think its how the universe give me a damn lesson to fail again until finally i meet the right guy that makes all of this shit right. LOL.  Sometimes its so fun, i can meet and date all the man who come to me.  Try to go out with someone who may have different life-background, to have a relationship with people i dont really know, and i can't meet, meet someone who already married and have a son. I'm very open to have a communication or relationship to anyone. Its fun to meet people with any background. Fortunately i'm an open-minded and understanding. :)) Future is a very mysterious place, you can't make it predictable with analyse all the detail. Just enjoy and balance with everything comes. And make the best for everything. :)

pict taken here