Rumah

Kupanggil ia rumah.
Karena di hatinya hatiku bernaung, tak mau pergi

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena setiap kali langkah kakiku melangkah pergi
selalu menyeret setiap ingin untuk kembali

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena meski telah seribu caci maki
selalu ada seribu satu maaf seketika dari hati

kupanggil ia rumah.
karena meski pintu pagar telah tertutup
dan pintu depan telah terkunci
selalu ada cemas dan harap untuk diterima kembali

kupanggil ia rumah
karena mudah saja, untuk selalu mencintai kembali.
berulang ulang kali.
berulang ulang kali.
berulang ulang kali.

Pontianak, 30 September 2013

Episode Singkat

Kuceritakan padamu sebuah cerita tentang kehilangan, katamu sambil memperlihatkan hati dalam genggaman tangan yang asing yang tak mau kau sebut panggilannya.  Seorang anak kecil yang lugu dan polos dalam matamu menari dalam taman kanak kanak imajiner.  Kemudian luruh dan runtuh langit yang tiada itu menjadi deru air mata yang mengalir dari sungai yang tak pernah kau ketahui muaranya.  Atap atap tembikar menyeruak menelusupkan rintik dari celah-celah rajutan ke dalam matanya kemudian ia berlari, mencari keteduhan dari pohon yang begitu rimbun namun rintik masih menitik dalam helai helai dedaunan yang jatuh menua, berjalan pula ia terlalu jauh dan orang yang begitu asing memberikan benda ajaib yang cembung dan menjatuhkan bulir rintik dari terpanya. Tapi anak kecil itu melihat awan yang muram, tidak tega membiarkannya tak berkawan karena alasan.  Jemari yang menapak kemudian terlalu melebur dalam lunak hingga kau tak bisa berpijak. Tiada yang mampu menahan bulir yang menyerahkan dirinya untuk lebur dan hancur. 

Sehingga tinggal genggamanmu dalam hati yang melingkupi resah yang melumat gundah, kuserahkan nadi untuk menjalar ke seluruh semesta. 

Maka kau kecup keningku dan kau bilang itu cinta.

reblogged here

reblogged here 

Phase By Phase

 

with my notulen and friend

 during the trial

Yesterday i was going through one of an important moment from my academic phase, the trial of my script.  As a pessimist, of course i prepared my self to kind of manslaughter, means that i know i have so many mistake that i even dont know what it is. We will never complete all of the standard of every human being, but sometimes we can negotiate, and at trial, its not about the negotiation (like getting a signature of accordance). Anything can happen in trial, any deficiency could be your gate of humiliation and etc. But its okay, its worth enough. Because it will be your way to open another phase of your life. Life would be up and down. Its okay to going through all of that, at least the day still running, after your happiness there comes sadness, after your sadness maybe there would be a contentment. Then a beautiful lyrics from Coldplay just got into my head, If you never try, you never know...

Maaf Ketiga

Malam ini, maaf memberikan tiga.
Hanya Tiga.
Cukup Tiga.
Sementara tiga.

Pertama, untuk orang yang selalu ada,
setiap waktu,
entah apapun di baliknya.
Hanya ada.

Kedua, untuk orang yang telah terlalu banyak mencintai,
dan kurasakan segalanya meskipun tetap tak bisa.
hanya tak bisa saja.

Ketiga, untuk diriku sendiri
yang hingga kini
masih belum memaafkannya,
tapi tetap mencintai yang tiada.

di celah pikiranmu+

Adakahku berada di celah pikiranmu
permisi masuk menjelajahi pikiran liarmu+
tersisakah sejengkal ruang untukku

tak ada kata tersisa
sudah remuk habis
pergi tersesat,
terhambur memuai udara
puluhan purnama tlah engkau denganku
adakah kusesali waktu
jika ku tamak
ingin memilikimu
mencintaimu lebih lama lagi

sat, sept 7 2013

Movies Week

Seriously, being off from my campus and any worth activity is not something i can handle, not because i can't doing anything but i just broke because my saving is not enough to support my needs (and wants) of course.  How come? I just still cant adapt to a blank schedule. 

Okay. Skip the 'curcol' and next to the movies i watched. Thanks to new store near my house for support this hobbies, and thanks for company me! Super!

#1 Now You See Me

Directed by	Louis Leterrier
Produced by	Bobby Cohen Alex Kurtzman Roberto Orci
Screenplay by	Ed Solomon Boaz Yakin Edward Ricourt
Story by	Boaz Yakin Edward Ricourt
Starring	Jesse Eisenberg Mark Ruffalo Woody Harrelson Mélanie Laurent Isla Fisher Dave Franco Common Michael Caine Morgan Freeman

*wiki

I think this is the best movies for this weekend, the plot is so neat and unread. Stunning! Its a perfect combination from strategic thinker and the visual-actions and fights. Plus, the information about the magician history, and more local myths are blended nicely.  I like the concept where people know what they do, passion about it and have a little revenge' things. People who willing to give everything to get anything. I glad that i'm not watching this on the xxi cinema because i would like to rewatch it again! :)

#2 A Good Day To Die Hard

Directed by	John Moore
Produced by	Alex Young Wyck Godfrey
Screenplay by	Skip Woods
Based on	Characters by Roderick Thorp
Starring	Bruce Willis Jai Courtney Sebastian Koch Yuliya Snigir Radivoje Bukvić Cole Hauser

No matter what happen, i will always love Bruce Willis! but i think this movie makes me a little boring, beside the dad-son relationship and sexy russians i think the enemy was made too rush. After all, the damaged set is always amaze me, crushed car everywhere, chaos street, tank, helicopter just a pleasure to my eyes. 

#3 The Mortal Instruments : City Of Bones

 

Directed by	Harald Zwart
Produced by	Don Carmody Robert Kulzer
Screenplay by	Jessica Postigo Paquette
Based on	City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
Starring	Lily Collins Jamie Campbell Bower Robert Sheehan Kevin Zegers Lena Headey Kevin Durand Aidan Turner Jemima West Godfrey Gao C. C. H. Pounder Jared Harris Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Of course like what i predict before i watch it alone at XXI in the middle of the night this is another twilight, but a little... darker? same great point to selling the handsome and pretty face plus a personality style but still, chessy romaticsm sometimes just makes me sick! (no offense to romance but its just too... much...) Quite entertaining, and for the next sequel, i'll choose to watch it at home.

#4 Rectoverso

My favourite Indonesian writer : Dewi Lestari. I cant tell how much i love her writing especially at Supernova. I think her writing just have many contribution to my personality now. *halah. The movie is combine five story that have one idea, one conclusion : an unsaid love. Smart, because of course all of us will feel connected with this movie because all of us maybe have an unsaid love.  The dialogue is poetic, fit but theres some line that just feel too much unrational to said if we are in the real world, btw.  Covered by the excitement of this unusual indonesian movie, because of course they dont expose a physical romantic things, just a description with body language or words. And i think if my story would fit in this movie it could be: Hanya Isyarat. 

#5 Cinta Brontosaurus

Sutradara	Fajar Nugros
Produser	Chand Parwez Servia dan Fiaz Servia
Pemeran	Raditya Dika Eriska Reinisa Soleh Solihun Pamela Bowie Tyas Mirasih Meriam Bellina Ronny P. Tjandra
Studio	Starvision Plus
Tanggal rilis	8 Mei 2013

I think Raditya Dika is good, because he can make people laugh, without him laughing. And i think beside the jokes, its romantic movie, just with predictable ending. The naration just somehow exact, that people will come and go, and he may sure that love have expire date, but its okay, and the most important thing is what you feel now. 

I'm a movie freak, but i choose my movie, i usually dont watch horror movie (last movie i watched : orphan, awakening, insidious, the conjuring). My favourite is action movie and any movie that can makes me thinks more, deep, with good plot and set. I usually avoid too much romanticsm because somehow it makes me feel victim, cause its sounds useless (If it too much).  But of course as an open minded person if i read a good recommendation i will watch it too! Have a great day!

Camouflage On Social Media

Latest discussion at the cafe with my friend was about the camouflage on social media. The sample of this analysis is based by our close friends. The method of this post is inductive, means i made conclusion from the specific to general, from the case that i see from my friends, then make a conclusion in general.

Recently, as the development of social media and the easy access of internet could give people a right to use their personal account, like facebook, twitter, path, instagram, or even this blog and so many more. No one or nothing can stop them, so people free to read, or not to read, to share or not to share. But there would be a question, how far they can share thoughts, photos, and who will stop the readers/followers/friends judging them?

Today, the conflict that happen at social media is 'booming' too. Like the controversial post of Marissa Haque at blog, or microblog like twitter that called 'twitwar'. Then (just my personal opinion) a disturbing tweet from farhat abbas, and many anonymous user that claim themselves as investigator or journalist. If one of the user share the frontal statement that affect the mass reaction of other user because they may leak a conspiration theory or just make a stupid statement/even the smart ones. But nowadays people respons more to stupidity than intelligence. Yeah, another show-off, people! :))

The account, that represent the personality of user, sometimes could give us an unpredictable thing that would be very interesting. Like one of my friend, in the society, she would be very quiet, passive and shy, but when she is at home, hold her blackberry that connected with twitter and facebook, would change herself to be more active, seduce and confident. (Personal opinion). The other sample, one of my friend, a boy always shows a sadness, and mellow statement at his 'status' at facebook, but when we meet him, we can see a cheerful boy with light attitude. 

Ah, but you will never see how the pattern comes, and you will never make a solid theory, then. The phenomenon just a mirror to reflect the personal things, human with the complexity of psychology things. I think finally the choice is made by ourselves like how we control our self in a society, it is your choice to show people your different side that may give you another positive respons or to show off what you are good at. Its your choice, but at least dont make it really contrast and annoying if you dont want people laugh at you. Anyway, people will judge anyway, but dont mind to show who you really are. Be yourself, but lets be the best of yourself! 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

- Oscar Wilde

in your eyes, i'll stay.

Theres a shadow, in your window when the wind whispering how your smells when he arounds. Morning would come not so far but the awake eyes can't fake anything but missing you like i always had. 

The touch of your images just resound again and again, calling the past, make my self traped forever.

A second chance i'm willing to have just to make my self sure that i never make a mistake, but i was always wrong because you even not care to belief that i'm exist.

Love would always be a second priority between everything else. But it would always stay, in the lonely night you spend around trying to figure our how your life gonna be if we are still in the same line, talking to each other and sharing the night.

They tell that it would be impossible and it's true. But i always love challenge, and theres just no one can fit with mine. 

In your lonely eyes, i shoud stay, forever. Even i know i will never get out. i will never see freedom because once i see you, i will never be the same. 

someday will never come, and the end from here is near but i wont ever afraid. because you will always there, stay and trap in my eyes, as the one who i always loved. 

future is somewhere nowhere. but i will always here, as a girl who will stay with you and sing a lullaby when you comes around. forever, i promise.

Challenge Yourself

My college's academic phase just near to the final. But in the end, there is so many things happen, so many thoughts.  Maybe all i want before is wrong, maybe i should be at different path. I dont know. Future is so mysterious for me now. So i kinda open my mind, do everything i can or get any chance.  At least i want to make my self busy, because busy is better than being bored! :)

Today i just try to play paintball at TFK, i'm so happy that i have an adventurous friends, open minded, and accept me as who i am. They may not know my past or know me very better, but thats what i want in a friendship, not really close but not too far too. Just keep it as easy as possible. Sometimes people said that boy and girl cant be friend, because they will be fall for each other, especially when you are single. I dont think so, its our choice, its our free will to let ourself fall or not. Thanks for all of you guys! made my day!

 Taman Fantasia Kalbar (TFK), Ayani 2, Pontianak

yang terakhir kepada rindu

hari ini adalah hari yang akan aku ingat lama. karena entah kenapa angin berbisik dengan berbeda, berkata kau tak akan pulang. lama, dan mungkin akan berbeda. maka waktu membeku. 

tapi entah kenapa kita hanya membisu, menatap cahaya yang jauh di jembatan itu, temaram dalam gemerisik sungai dan dengung perahu yang melaju.

malam ini adalah malam kau pulang, setelah begitu lama dan rasa yang lebih jauh dari jarak.

kita adalah abu, karena tidak ada yang tahu, setidaknya aku. 

kau selalu mengabulkan yang kutanyakan, mengiyakan yang kusebutkan, memberikanku pilihan.

terlalu jauh untuk kupikir aku mempunyai pilihan karena aku tidak pernah ingin memaksakan. 

rasa itu ada, hanya terlalu jauh disana.

dan aku segan, entah pula dengan kau.

kata kata itu ada, lama dibiarkan hingga nanti berdebu dan aku lupa. mengapa kita masih bersama dan apakah hanya aku saja yang merasakannya. 

kuucapkan yang terakhir kepada rindu karena setelah ini tidak akan ada lagi malam malam panjang tertawa dan janggal dalam diam kita berdua. kuucapkan selamat tinggal pada mata yang berkaca kaca dan tangan yang tak pernah sampai ke pelukmu.

sudah terlalu lama kau pergi, tapi tiada yang berubah, tiada pula rasa ganjil itu, tiada pula dada yang berdesir tiap kali kau hadir kembali.

aku tidak minta diyakinkan, tidak pula meminta diragukan. 

aku hanya memintamu. yang terakhir kali. 

mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada rindu.

serasan, agustus 2013

yang tidak tak terbatas

elang terbang terlalu jauh malam ini tak kembali pulang
menembus pelangi memecah cakrawala
ada kepak sayap yang lelah telah terlalu jauh melangkah
menembus ruang waktu
kemudian menghilang

ada puing yang tersisakan dari percikan abu
di tengah pusaran nisanmu
aku bersimpuh

kau lebih buruk dari pagi yang terlalu dingin
dan siang yang terlalu panas
tidak hilang tapi tak juga pergi
tidak pergi tidak pula kembali
tidak ada tapi tak pula tiada

kau satu diantara berjuta
gelap diantara cahaya

kita tiada merasa
tiada mencinta
tersesat dalam pusara tanpa muara
kekal dalam waktu, kekal dalam biru

pontianak, 24 agustus 2013

Shoot!

If its the definition, then i think i already found it. :))

Stay The Same

There would be a memory, trapped. As many things changed, there would always something stay the same. Its the feeling wherever you around. Sometimes we just too naive to admitted, or maybe we dont feel the same.  Or i feel too much.

I just know one thing, i know when i feel happy. Its when i'm with you.

happy eid ul-fitr !

There was a time when many things seems clearer than this video of my self, doing so many things i could remember.  Many things is past that just popped up and happened before i realize anything.  The past is the past.  We can't change that.  There was a time when i realize i keep picturing or memorizing in my mind but sometimes i just lose it.  It happened in past and sometimes we just remember the feeling of being there.

There is so many things in my life that happen out of my control, some of my delusive mind could tell me to.  But what i know for certain is something just left, someone would left. What meant to be can be sure what happen to be. We cant control our destiny, how hard we struggling or how hard we try, we can't control our past, or our future.  We can't be sure about anything else going on in this life. We can't expect anything because you will end up losing your own game.  Just satisfy yourself at this moment.  Do what you want and blend it with something you need to do. Do it for your own happiness because you will never know, you just never know. But at least, have some faith for yourself, your destiny, and people around you. 

Anyway, i made this blog as long as i cant remember how it feel for the first time, just to write something and feel like there would be someone else reading it, like you have a friend and you just talk over and over again, even sometimes they didn't listen what you really meant, but its never matter, because its just when you talk or spill out your words, it just calming down and make you see something clearer, or more ruined it?. But at least you know finally what you will got or what may you imply. Maybe.

Yesterday i just go to Singkawang and Sambas to visit the daughter of my deceased grandma and theirs family. Then i visit my friend, Melya. 

at Alianjang's street, Singkawang with my friend, Melya

at Keraton Sambas, beside my family's house with my cousin Zeeva

Meet again with your families and friends for me is just quite touching because sometimes i just feel like i just enjoy to be alone with my self, but sometimes family and friend just enlighten your day. So at this moment, eid fitr, we will visit their home have a nice talk and show them that we are care. That they are meant something to us. They are the part of our lives and we'r very thankful they come to our lifes.

At Danau Sebedang, Sambas

Happy eid ul-fitr everyone! Minal aidin wal faidzin :)

Jeda

Di tengah televisi yang menggumam itu, ada segelas air putih yang sudah terlanjur habis dan belum lagi diisi. Beberapa jemari telah mengisi jeda di jemarimu yang renggang namun tidak juga kau acuhkan, ketika kau terlalu sibuk dengan duniamu, ambisimu yang menghantui dengan jam jam sibuk dan penuh tekanan.
Tapi rupanya aku salah, ketidakmampuanmu merasa bukan karena kau tidak perduli, tapi kau terlalu naif untuk melepaskan, dan egomu terlalu tinggi untuk mengakui apa yang sebenarnya kau rasakan.
Hidup itu membosankan, katamu, untuk datang dengan hal yang biasa, menjadi biasa dan melakukan hal hal yang biasa. Tidak pernah cukup untukku, katamu.

Setiap hari kau berlari, mengejar entah apa, yang kau definisikan sebagai jam jam panjang dengan aku, sebagai jeda yang manis di antara mimpi-mimpimu yang mati matian kau wujudkan. Lama aku baru menyadari akhirnya, bukan kesibukan yang mengejarmu, tapi kamu yang mengejar kesibukan itu. Kesibukan yang kau kira mampu membunuh kesepian kesepianmu, malam malam yang penuh dengan kebosanan dan pertanyaan-pertanyaanmu yang terlalu panjang tentang hidup.

Kau adalah orang teregois yang pernah aku kenal, tapi kemudian adalah orang yang paling bisa kupahami karena aku tahu apa yang telah kau lalui hari demi hari.  Dan dalam kehidupan yang tidak pernah terduga, aku hanya datang, untuk menggenggam tanganmu dan menenangkanmu.

Kadang aku tidak mengakui diriku jadi yang kedua, tidak pula kau yang menegaskan bahwa aku adalah yang kedua. Tidak, hubungan kita terlalu jauh untuk dapat diberi label dan diberi nama.

Kita hanya, kita...

Kekecewaan bukan lagi hal baru untuk kita, pengkhianatan, cinta yang tak tersampaikan dan tak terabaikan bukan lagi barang mewah. Apalagi sebuah cinta yang setia.

Aku tidak mengenal cinta yang setia, tidak pula kau. Mungkin karena hal hal yang telah terlalu sering kita lihat untuk memaknai apa yang ada tidak seperti kacamata orang lain.

Kita tidak bermasalah, hanya memandangnya dengan cara yang berbeda dari sudut pandang orang lain.

Tidak, kita tidak menggombal kata cinta, tidak pula melakukan hal hal yang harusnya belum dilakukan. Tidak, kita jauh dari itu.

Kita hanya, berbagi. Berbagi rasa, berbagi cerita, berbagai keluh, berbagi rasa sakit. Dan kemudian saling menenangkan.

Untuk itu, aku tidak perlu memotong hubungan asmara siapapun juga karena aku sudah tahu rasanya, dan aku sudah pernah melaluinya. Aku mengerti.

Aku tidak pernah menuntut, tidak pula mengejar.

Kita hanya menyediakan waktu masing-masing, menyesuaikan jadwal, mengisi jeda dalam hidup kita masing-masing, kemudian menghabiskannya bersama.

Terlalu munafik untuk melihat kembali masa lalu, tidak pula terlalu terburu buru untuk menjalani masa depan, kita adalah saat ini, detik ini dalam kerapatan jemari yang saling menggenggam untuk saling menguatkan.

Mungkin suatu hari semuanya itu akan berhenti ketika kita berdua tidak lagi nyaman, waktu yang tidak lagi pas dan hasrat yang tidak lagi cukup.

Mungkin juga suatu hari kita akan masuk ke dalam sebuah tahap yang baru, tahap yang jelas, tahap yang berkomitmen dan mengikat untuk memperbolehkan kita tidak hanya berbagi diri kita berdua tetapi juga teman dan keluarga.

Mungkin juga suatu hari nanti, ini semua tidak lagi berarti apa apa.

Mungkin.

Siapa yang tahu?

Goodbye July

If i seen through this month a year before, i could surprise to make it through like now. Where i am now, improved than myself one year before on this July. I'm glad finally i could learn much to unlove. I learn a lot to finally think about myself. I learn to be egoist.  I learn to make myself as a prior than anyone. Because people come and go, but my self will always stay.

taken from www.indiesart.com

So finally i can say goodbye July,goodbye my hardest time i ever been through. Thank you for so much lesson.  Thank you for fill my last four years. Happy or Sad. Passionate or Desperate. The whole package that could be my pebble stone to step higher.  I will stop feel pathetic, i will stop playing victim, i will stop feel sorry and i will stop make any harm for my self. Life will go on and i hope will be better.

never forget to enjoy and having fun!

Welcome August!

Vulnerable

When you experience it once, you may call it mistake, but if you experience it twice then let yourself drag into a deep hole, maybe its time to think you are addicted to falling.  Or it just the idea of a person is same with what you ever had. You want it, not because you fall for this guy maybe because you want your past back.

I dont think we are on the same page, i have a feeling that you just want to play around, then i know i being played but i just enjoy it because i know maybe i have a chance to get similar experience from my past. Life is funny, humorous, yet tragic.

So many silly things i ever did, but the worse is when i feel too adhere to something, or someone. Because the after effect is i can't let it go and i just keep pushing even i know my time and my moment is done.

I hope i can forgive my self for making that mistakes and know when to stop my self.

Cinta dan Hal Hal Yang Tidak Akan Terucap

Ada yang tidak terucap dalam kata di jarak hati yang keruh dan berduka. Ada yang kehilangan dalam baris kata kata yang menghambur namun tanpa makna. Ada yang bisu bukan karena tak mampu berkata kata tapi telah lama kehilangan seseorang untuknya berbicara.

Ada cinta, namun ada pula hal hal yang tidak akan pernah diucapkan. Bukan, bukan karena kau tidak bisa mengucapkannya kepada orang yang tepat, hanya saja kepada orang yang ucapkan, ia sudah tidak mau lagi mendengar. Karena waktumu sudah habis.

Ada yang telah kau ucapkan berulang-ulang namun sudah tak bisa lagi didengar. Dan ia sengaja pergi. Ia sudah tidak mau lagi mendengar. Ketika hal itu terjadi, maka hanya ada cinta, dan hal hal yang tidak akan terucapkan lagi selain sebuah kesempatan.

Sebuah kesempatan yang tidak akan datang lagi. Karena dari sepersejuta kemungkinan tidak ada tali tali yang mampu mengikat lagi. Kesempatan itu telah habis. Peluang itu telah selesai.

Cinta itu? Hanya meninggalkan dirinya sendiri dan hal hal yang tetap tidak akan terucap.

Simpan rapat di hatimu saja.