Butterflies in stomach

picture from here

The whirl of the wind whispering my skin then a flash on my imagination just hit me.  Wondering if only i can get what i imagine so easy.  What if... Then later i just wondering, then lay in my bed beside the little fan and the little ray of sunshine.  Then your call wakes me up, makes me so anxious, nervous, then i feel this.  Something in my stomach.  Butterflies.

I already know you long long time ago before i cant remember so many things.  But i knew you.  I knew your existence around me.  I see you in my sphere.  Whiff you around without knowing you.  Simple, because i have no interest at all.

I dont know is this an illution or just another manipulation from my mind because i already had someone who ever make me feel this way.  But it is different.  And with you, everything is have no sense and i cant sense at all.

I still remember every single detail in that night. The night when we met, when you sit in front of me then i just looking at you differently.  And knowing how much this feeling grow when your eyes keep looking straight to my eyes.  Then i felt it again.  The butterflies.  

I dont care about whats next.  I dont care the fact we are never really know each other.  And tomorrow we make our first met.  Then i just fall in your side.

Its all i know about me.  Then i dont have clear idea about you.  But, i know i dont care.  Like a song on Maroon 5 song, if i never see your face again, i dont mind.  Even it may better if i see your face again.  Again and again...

I dont have a reason to make you stay, neither do you.  I dont exactly say that i want you to stay forever, neither do you.  I even not really know whats on your mind.  Maybe i dont care because all the fact i know you are here, with me.  

Even in your silly joke about me that makes me wonder do you see me like i see you.  Do you feel the same way like i feel?  

I dont know where the future brings me.  I try not to expect much, more than life can give me.  I just want to enjoy my time, be true to my self.  Speak clearly even without knowing what i really want, neither what i really need. 

But be with you, even with your illution existences.  I really glad...

And to be honest, you completely fix me from my old wounds.  You makes me stop thinking about him.  You makes me stop want him.  Because now i want you.  Even now i must prepare my self from keep falling from yours.  But its okay.  You makes another beautiful day for me.

Thank you. For this moment.  I can't asking more.

:)

Quiet Space

Recently i just realizing that many things has change again.  The different feeling when you face to that problem again and again.  Capability to understand, capability to accept.  Even i can't remember how i can get into this situation.  But it is just relaxing.  Back to my self who dont care about attachment and any other pain.  Just life sincerely with no remorse.  Do what i want to do, being free and tell exactly whats on my mind without any fear to being rejected or hurted.  Then this silence contemplation just hit me.  Could it be better than before or just can ruin my life again? I don't know.  I think people is suppose to have no idea and no clue too in their life.  This is life, when you can't guess what will be happen to you.  Its not in perpetuity good, not in perpetuity bad either.  Maybe the good could lead us to the bad fate, or the bad could bring us to the good things to.  I dont have absolute idea about this.  So, when you get nothing to lose because you are already lose too in your life, why so anxious? You used to getting through something hard before, why dont you take a shoot to get a better chance if the losing is not getting something that you dont have already.  Basically, i dont want to regret anymore. If i'm in rush or looks like i want to make it quick, it is just because i dont want to miss a moment to come.  I really dont know what to think now.

Get over it

Recently got some feeling from the other person that makes me feel comfort. Then i must slapped to realize that too much pushing will not make it end good.  Sometimes its just feel right to take some effort to get what we want.  But in rush is not really good idea too. At least for now when i already do my best.  Now i will leave the rest. I'm done.

The Nearest Layoff

There is so many things change in here. New friend, new understanding that completely change my environment, my perspective and very much, changes me a lot.
Very much memories that sometimes makes me feel it happened my whole life.  Amazing people. Amazing memory.  Now the time is near, and i must prepare my self.  For go to the next stage, next complicate, next step in life.  Hopefully, its going better. It may not be easy, because we are not in the same stage when we come, we are going to the next ! Keep the spirit up ! :)

this feeling

do you ever feel like you dont want to wake up tomorrow morning just because the reality just make you tired and sick? do you ever feel like you want to runaway but when you busy running it will comes to you again and again? do you know how it feel when you are tired to face problem but over a year, your memory still record it as clearly as it happened yesterday and even it happened a long long time ago you will never forget it and always crying when you think about it? do you ever feel that you have create many solutions but it just cant happen. when little things could left you a big big pain that someway you wish you better die to forget it. i know.

please

tumblr.com

Deepest Regret

Sometimes in the middle of the night, or when i'm alone, sitting and wondering.  There is something that comes to my mind and haunt me, annoy and distract my feeling.  Its full me up then i feel sad about it.  Regret.

Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviours.  Regret is often expressed by the term 'sorry'.  Often feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depressiom, annoyance or guilt, after one acts in a manner an later wishes not to have done so (said wiki).

Maybe wiki could choose words to decribe about what i feel even i can't decribe a right words to express it enough.  That something in your past haunt you, left a big hole in your heart that you know no one can fill it again, even you try over and over again.  That no one can replace and erase your memory about the beautiful things, at once the regretful things that even it just comes to you as a flash you will feel a pain, dissapoint, angry, etc that makes your feeling is not good.  Something that unfinished yet but you can't make an action to finish it, something that you can't handle then over and over again humming in your hearts, ears then your eyes. Something that comes to you asking for something you can't aswer.  Something haunt you but you can do anything to fix because its already over.  Something that you must let go but it'll come back again, then you realize you can't.  Or you won't let it go.

Something that you want forget, you want to let go but you end up missing it again and again because you know it is the last thing left that you can stay with.  Something that makes you feel best but also hurt you with the biggest pain, something that you never feel before.  Something that makes you change and be better better person and learn from what ever happened.  Something, that used to be someone.  Who fill you.  Someone that you regret to know, but also thankful to know.  Someone that you want to forget but you can't.  Someone who give you biggest lesson that hardly to get over it.  Someone who is stranger to you now.  Can I?

The past is a great place and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its prisoner either. 

Mick Jagger 

Politic's Misconception?

Managements is an art, said Mary Parker Follet.  Then, what should we do with politics? In this complicated era that makes us more in conflicted zone with the governments, political parties, non-governmental organizations, etc then sometimes we could make a rush conclusion or question, is our system runs in chaos? We can turn on our television and see chaos everywhere, corrupted bureaucrats, corrupted leaders, corrupted firms even corrupted civils. You can see all in the news.  Then, what’s the missing points of all this?

As an ordinary student in a 7th semester in Social and Politics Science I should be worried.  Too many things to worry, even such in my environment.  There is no certain future, nor certain theory to save alive going through this field object.  Not as science or another hematics that have an absolute pattern or theory to apply.  This field, has nothing substanstial but chaos (hypothetichally, of course).   Even I hope we will make some movement that closely to progress with what we have now, like potential leaders and experts.

A little example can come from our environment, if we have different leader, we will have different people that would be judge not because of their achievement or work, but how far they known each other and have emotional relationship.  There is no standard with that, people choose based by their intuition (maybe?) or their personal knowledge about this person’s information.  Only if they want to dig deeper, maybe they will find that wrong.  Then, to much tolerance to each other then no passion at work (?).  I think many people not really doing what they want to do.  Not many people feel ambitious about what they do and sometimes what I see in the government is the people who start boring about their job so they can’t serve as well.  People gets wrong motivation, then gets no proper reward about what they do.  

I don’t know if I have a (right or proper) capability to have my own judgement.  With my ordinary eye’s perspective, I just see there is so many holes in this system so people can make it flexible as their own excuse, or sometimes people just not see what I see, do they ?.

If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all. 

Noam Chomsky 

“Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.” 

― Mark Twain

Review on 2012

Baiklah, sudah tanggal 31 Desember 2012. HARI TERAKHIR di 2012. Oke, terus?... Setidaknya saya sudah sangat lega.  Tahun ini bisa saya lewati dengan selamat *sigh*. Sempat terpikir saya tidak akan selamat, mati karena patah hati, misalnya. HAHAHA. Tapi ternyata enggak (atau belum?). Yah, setidaknya saya sudah bisa sampai pada tahap ini, pada level ini.  Pada stage hidup yang bagian ini.

Resolusi tahun lalu saya ada beberapa yang bisa diceklis. Ada beberapa yang masih belum bisa, sedang dalam proses maupun diubah sana sini tapi saya puas, tahun ini, prioritas saya adalah melewatinya dengan waras, dengan tenang dalam perubahan yang tidak saya rencanakan.

Beberapa resolusi tampaknya masih kabur, belum terlaksana namun sudah pada rel nya untuk diwujudkan, semoga saya masih konsisten, beberapa diantaranya adalah menyelesaikan skripsi saya pada gelombang pertama, dan masih banyak hal lainnya.  Saya bukan orang yang mampu disiplin pada jadwal secara terus menerus, tapi setidaknya resolusi membuat saya tetap tahu apa yang saya inginkan tanpa di tengah jalan bingung dengan tujuan hidup saya sebenarnya.  Karena saya merasa saya sering sekali kehilangan arah, hanya menjalani hidup jangka pendek, sekedar bangun pagi dan mengikuti kegiatan full-booked di kampus tanpa ada passion, tanpa ada semangat, tanpa ada tujuan semenjak saya kehilangan salah satu resolusi saya.  Untungnya, saya membuat tidak hanya satu resolusi, dan resolusi resolusi itulah yang membuat saya bertahan dan merasa sesuatu itu lebih 'makes sense'.

Tahun 2012 ini saya tidak terlalu ambisius seperti tahun tahun sebelumnya, mungkin saya belajar dari pengalaman bahwa semuanya mungkin tidak akan berjalan sesuai rencana dan bisa sangat berubah dari apa yang telah saya perkirakan. Kemudian saya juga baru pertama kali merasakan kehilangan yang sangat #jleb bagi saya, yaitu pacar dan anjing kesayangan saya.  HAHA. Baiklah, setidaknya saya masih punya harapan karena tahun ini sudah bisa saya lalui, meski saya kehilangan beberapa semangat yang sangat tidak mencerminkan diri saya sendiri. Saya berjanji kepada diri saya sendiri tahun 2013 ini akan berbeda.  Saya  akan membuka kesempatan, dan semampu saya mencoba lagi yang terbaik.  Tahun ini saya akan lebih kuat, lebih baik karena saya berharap, what doesn't kill me will makes me stronger.  Semoga.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. -Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Walking Away

  

Recently i visit Kuching for around 3 days.  By riding Bintang Jaya's bus for depart and Damri's buss for return.  After 10 hours sit at the bus finally i arrived.  The city is so clean, the public facilities is good.  I think i could enjoy my self there.  The neat country with concious people to following rules.  I dont even spend much time to walk away, just sitting around the cafe and staring, thinking about my self. What i have done in this year, and what lesson i learn.

This is the rough years for me after all.  I had my first fall.  I feel extra for everything.  I feel something more that i never feel before.  I learn and learn.  But i hope i still not missing my hope.  To being better.  To be grateful for what i have now.  This is not about other person.  It is about my decision to taking control of my self, taking control of many things i can't control and try to let it go because life is go on, and i should move on.

There is many more in future, many dreams i can believe rather than stuck with something i cant control.  Its nice to remember all the memories, but what in past, stay in past.  All i have is this present.  And i can do is do my best.  

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky (Discworld, #32)

Mother. For me.

This is mother’s day.

Okay.  Because now I’m in a holiday and I have time to write this blog.  And today is a mother’s day so I will share some thoughts about my mothers today.

For me, my memories about mother is … hmm… I cant describe it in one word.  I think it’s quite complicated. LOL.

My relationship with my mother is not like the other *sigh*. Its not means we are not love each other.  I know and I really feel her love, and I love her too, I don’t want to see her hurt.  But we don’t really show our love with exact expression, nor a words, nor a hugs.  

When I was young.  My mother always teach me hard, with diciplines and more yells.  And in my memories I always oppositing her when I was child.  We don’t show much affection.

Now at my 21 ages, we are not talk so much like other mother-daughter.  I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t beef about my days.  But we do talk in different ways. We talk to share, we talk to have solution, we talk to give motivation to each other.  I will never show my weakness to her and so do her.  We always talk to each other like we have not a problem.  And from that, we become stronger.

Our relationship is tough, she never spoil me, but she never refuse me.  She always listen, even I must have many reason to make her sure about me.  I must try harder to impress her.  She never hugs me, but she always supply what I need.  She never kiss me in forehead but she always prepare and support my dreams.  She never cry with me but she always try to find solution with me.  And I can’t asking more.

In this mother days, we are not even talking about it because we are not mellow people (?) and it will be funny if we talk about it. LOL. Our family’s atmosphere is more like ‘what we do to make it have sense than celebrate the nonsense, how we really make means to each other than show our affections.

So in this mothers day, I will take a trip with her and my little sister.  I hope at this trip we are not arguing to much because we always push each other *sigh*.

I may try, sometimes, but we are different.  We have different things yet we thinks differently but it doesn’t means we hurt each other.  Because all we want is the best for each other. 

Mom, maybe i cant say this right to you but i'm sorry if i always dissapointed you.  I'm sorry if we are arguing.  I'm sorry if we'll be hard to each other.  I'm sorry.  Because sometimes i am not like what you want.  And i can't accede all you want me to.  I'm sorry to not do what you tell me to do.  I'm sorry to not do what you want.  I'm sorry to not be with your side even you are always in my side. i'm really sorry.

We never give gift to each other suprisingly, if I want, then I ask, or they’ll ask what I need. So one day I ever give present to my dad and he said, why you give us something from our money then laughing, he said he don’t want a gift just want me to be the better child *sigh*.  So I think in this mother’s day I will give her my love that I show in my effort to be better person, to be success like what she wants.  I hope i will be her successful wish.

happy mother's day !

" Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice DEEP LOOKING directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. 

If you cannot understand, you cannot love."

 -Buddha

i cant say

there is something in the air
stopping my breath
when i try to find a light
but i see an empty room in you

when i ask a way
but you offer nothing

losing every inch of you
is the biggest leap
turn around over and over again

say something i cant whisper
to your listening ears
your warm hugs
your bright lips

see the unspeakable words from my eyes
then i would tell you something i cant say

i miss you.
i always be.

Who Watch The Watcher

So recently this hierarchy system may build so good foundation, so reasonable and strong structure.  But what if this system corrupted by incapability person that makes very immoral act.  The harshness that violate people's right.  The unfounded reason that build up to destroy the pure purpose then substituting the act just to feed their ego.  At 'this system' the domination and the power that had by 'the watcher' just violate person's right by broke people's property with the reason to educate.   

Educate? What is the purpose to educate? What is the basic standard of morality, of behaviour? If mostly people judging something, is it really right? What if their conclusion and judgement is basically wrong? who's the protector of the weak and minor people? 

Education basicly from wiki is the general sense of form of learning in which knowledge, skills and habits of a group of people are transferred from one generation to the next through teaching, training, research or simply through autodidactism.  When it comes to experience then we can stand by just one situation, isn't it? So what if this educational purpose go off the track because of the pesonality is have a psychological's problem? 

I dont know, maybe in this (un)fair world, there is so many unfair things too.  Afterall, everything will comes back to ourself, which way we choose to respond? How we can make it fair with the version of ourself? How far and what consequence we can through to make the justice?

From my perspective, some problems and unjustice will neglect if we don't know the better solution or the smart way to protect ourself or we dont have authority to change.  But people will remember, violate will make scars to people's heart and they can take their own conclusion how to react.  To make the lesson learned and stay away from problem's we can't control then just focus to our bigger purpose.  To make a better change.  Can we?

Pull the string, and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will go nowhere at all.

-Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Political Will

Aristotle said, human is zoon politicon. It comes from the idea that when we grow, instinctly grow our individualist characters, the passion to feed our ego.  Sometimes it can comes immoral, or egoistic based by principles we had.  Our interest, could be very ambitious or low, based by our individual character.  Finally it could end up to the power issues.  How we have power to feed our needs, by the resources.  The resources in this world is limited, so we compete each other to have an access to that.  John Locke said it is valid to do everything needs to get what we want, lay aside everything that may people see not right.

Ambitious goal, i think is the most motivational trigger for us to reach our limit, to maximize our potential.  But also, can't deny the morality things.  The basic principles of morality that also synchronize with our pure heart, it is the kindness, equality, equity, liberty, goodness value that could we apply to our daily principles.  So what we do are not conflicted with ourself.  Doing something good, is also give us a composure because we do something right, or we'r on the right path that can't harm another.  In this complicated human's behaviour we can't stand by ourselves.  We live in a social environment that also needs our empathy, careness, friendship, connection to make us feel more alive.  To not only feed our ego but also feed our basic need to give, share, love and have a social life.  So finally it will come to us again, what would we do to complete our needs? What path would we choose?

In politics, there are many issues that may ruin our perception about whats going on.  The greedy politican, the cheater one could make people losing trust.  People start to feel betrayed because of so many cases that we read on newspaper, watch in television and see with our own eyes that something is going wrong in this system.  The corruption, collution and nepotism is the ugly disease start make our system collapse.  People start whisper the badness of politics then the chaos start when this country lead by someone who people can't trust.  Government will lose their legitimate and their authority to make the rule when people start to ignore and revolt.  I hope this phenomenon will not happen, because i still optimist with the potential of the youth people.  The new idea has come based by people's loathe of the foul system, the new methods of leadership, the new reformation's of bureacration has developed to bring changes.  One of the interesting methods of leadership i admire for now is Jokowi-Ahok because the spirit and the right idea to come lower, going down to collect the voice of minority people.  Then, they are comes from independent's lane, even could bring some intern issues, but also they can think out of box to not really affect by many interest and responsibility to sets their political party's will.  

Then sometimes i wonder, can i make any difference in this system?  How could i participate and involve to not just curse the darkness but also have a capability and chance to light a candle ? So when i asked to myself i had a question comes back to me, what i will do to make it? how far i will make an effort to make it happen?  So with this path and what i do now, this only possible direction for me to reach my own satisfaction is to doing this right.  I hope.

“A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.” 
― Barack Obama

Sesuatu yang Berhenti

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
daripada mendoakan kebahagianmu diam diam
jauh ketika cahaya pun sudah memudar di muka bumi
di tempat yang terasing
yang telah lama kau tinggalkanku sendirian

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
dalam ketertinggalanku mengejar langkahmu
yang tidak lagi menapak bersamaku
beriring namun sudah tak saling memeluk
subuh saja telah tak mampu memadamkan

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit.
ketika melihat kau tertawa bahagia
di depan kelopak mata
ketika jantungmu hanya berjarak sedetak jantungku
dan kehilanganmu hanya sedenyut nadiku
tapi cintamu tak lagi tersisa

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit
ketika ku tak mampu bersuara,
berbicara dan mendengarmu
tapi sisa hangat senyummu
masih tersenyum dalam relung yang terdalam
menertawakan kegagalanku

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit
ketika kau sudah mampu bahagia
mencari cinta dan terang dunia
dan ku hanya sesunggukan
menunggu yang tidak pernah ada
tidak akan pernah kembali.

apa lagi yang bisa lebih sakit?
daripada mencintaimu terus menerus...
mungkin tanpa berhenti
ketika kau telah lama berhenti ?

The Chaos System

In this unperfect lifes, chaos systems, awkward moments and coincidences we stands.  Sometimes we dont have capacity to do action, even our mind make a better solution, or sometimes we speak unspeakable word about what's right or not right.  Sometimes we just grumble, and feeling sad about how bad the situation could go.  We losing our trust to government, then we losing our trust to people.  After that, we losing hope that make us more ignore about what happening around.  Because we know the situation couldn't be better and not right based by our judgement.  Mostly i feel the similar ways about this world behind my eyes that makes me pessimist about where i will go in this chaos system.  When my brain and my mind speaks critically inside, i know i losing my capability to trust the universe.  I know i losing hope when i can't do anything about the wrong policy, wrong people who lead, wrong situation that just felt not right.  Sometimes i feel i can't do anything and my action can't change anything and make any impact to anyone.  

The chaos system, comes from the behaviour of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions.  Small differences in initial conditions yield widely diverging outsomes for such dynamical systems, rendering long term prediction impossible in general, well said from wikipedia.org.  That definitions comes from mathematics' diciplines study but also can we applied to this amateur philosophy thought.  How we can jump from this static situation, and because of small differences, the determinant could trigger the ripple effect to the biggest scale.  What we predict now, this second, this moment, what we thought about something now, could be so different after this second passed, things changed, little cells of our micro body moved.  Then we comes to the conclusion: nothing going constant in this chaos, noone survive forever, then if the conclusion is everything have the same possiblty to change, little things can make things going differently, that means we also have our time to grow, to move, to feel the new things, to see this world with another perspective, to not being constantly boring or constantly wrong or constantly not right, because nothing constant, isn't it?

Then we still have a chance to do our best to wait for opportunity, to wait the 'not constant' chaos to disturbed because of unknow and unidentify things then make another chaos.  Our chaos.

I will do my best while i'm waiting, don't you?

“A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” 
― Maya Angelou

This Weekend

So finally i got ib or permission to go outside my dorm from this thursday, friday, saturday and sunday.  I don't have absolute planning.  Maybe the essence of having holiday is not have busy planning, just being lazy.  But, i dont like the idea of just stay at home.  I want to go out, doing something else.  Being busy, being productive.  I want to have many many experience, to feel more in this life.

the skyfallaughing :))

... Just the right moment after i watched skyfall. LOL.

SkyFall

 pict here

So I just watched another James Bond movie, Skyfall.  Feature Daniel Craig as James Bond, the 007 secret agent.  The enemy, is Javier Bardem as Raoul Silva or Tiago Rodriguez that have a revenge to M, James Bond’s boss.  Quite interesting and palpitating because the action scene from train and high tower.  That makes the action seems really impossible to do (even I want to survive on that scene, lol).  Even from my common observe and taste, I think the James Bond Girl are not satisfied because as long as I can remember the girls is always hotter and younger than this edition.  

Then after I give this shallow comment after I watched skyfall and grumbling about how I cant find this Adele’s soundtrack song at 4shared, maybe I can continue my study for mid, then I must have preparation to this comprehensive test about 3 weeks again and prepare my manuscript.  This month will be busy too with my campus’ 5th  anniversary event that I will organized with my friends.  I think this would be my last contribution to this campus, after manuscript to do.  So, wish me luck ! :)

good point

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